golden boy : stozier

thirty three

was he overthinking it? maybe he was overthinking it.

"what ib courses do you take?" pj asked suddenly, turning her head to stanley briefly as she drove. stanley could see the resemblance between her and richie as he watched her eyes.

"uh, bio, chem, philosophy, math, english, and hebrew. i do physics online, but that's kinda easy," stanley spoke finally, his voice quieter than he wanted it to be. pj nodded. as they came to a stop light, stanley watched the radio, flashing the name of a song playing at five volume—so low he couldn't even hear it.

"you must be having an awful time," she replied, but there was a smile on her face. stanley nodded, exhaling through his nose. as they neared richie's house, he could feel his voice shrinking back into his throat. why had richie done this? why had richie done this to him?

"s'okay, stan's so smart it doesn't matter. way smarter than you, anyway," richie replied, pj reaching an arm behind her to flip him off. he stuck his tongue out at her, not that she was looking enough to notice.

"yeah, yeah, okay, get the fuck out of my car," she said, pulling to a stop in front of the tozier driveway. richie unbuckled his seatbelt, getting his backpack around one shoulder.

"two star taxi, and both stars are for the genius sitting in shotgun," richie commented, pushing open the door with his foot. she rolled her eyes dramatically at him, and stanley couldn't tell if they were really fighting. he had a weird feeling this was the most normal they'd been with each other in a long time. "see ya, staniel," he said, then shut the door.

stanley watched as he wandered off to the front door, then turned his head back, only to see pj doing the same thing. she looked away, clearly a little embarrassed.

"i'm gonna be honest, i don't really know what richie wanted out of this, i'm sorry," stanley began, pj waving her hand at him as she shushed. he stopped himself, watching her fiddle with the gear of the car. she pushed it into drive, and turned around on the street.

"listen, i... i hate to say this, but i'm glad you have richie." she spoke quieter than she had with richie in the car, her tone softening. stanley gulped, tucking his hands underneath his legs. "i mean, when i did ib, it was awful. i don't know if richie's told you anything."

"he hasn't," stanley said meekly, pj nodding as she looked across an intersection. he watched her eyes squint before turning her turn signal on.

"i got a 45. i got an a on my extended essay, all that shit. and you know what else? i made up every single one of my tok reflections," pj said, and stanley laughed, a laugh only the two of them could have shared. suddenly, stanley was beginning to understand pj. it had been quick, but it was clicking. "i had no friends in high school. seriously, i mean none. by the time i hit grade eleven, richie was in fifth grade, and they already knew they... i mean, they gave up on him."

stanley nodded along, listening to her speak. it was crazy to him, to be able to give up this much this fast. but, in a weird way, it was how he'd felt when he'd met richie.

"anyway, so they put all this pressure on me. i couldn't go anywhere, and i didn't have any friends, and i was so depressed, and i hated richie for not having to deal with the pressure i did," she went on, driving down the main road like traffic was no matter. stanley kept his eyes on her. "it fucking sucked. it wasn't worth the 45."

he'd heard it before, from richie, that it wasn't worth sacrificing his life for a made up number, but he wasn't sure he believed it then. he was hardly sure he believed it now. but she'd been through it—surely she'd know.

"and you know what? when i got to university, and i got my first c, we argued, and i just told them that i was going to do what i wanted, and that they had had their time to control me. that they'd taken my high school life from me, and i wasn't going to let them take university from me too." pj seemed so calm for talking about something personal with what was basically a complete stranger. still, stanley understood that the comfort came from a place of growth. pj cleared her throat, "and they said okay."

"really?"

"yeah. like it was never really that important." pj shook her head, as if in disbelief. "and i know—well, richie says your parents do some awful things, and that is straight up shit, i mean, complete bullshit, but  i don't know, maybe it's worth a shot."

"but i want to do well, too." stanley let himself answer her, his hands going numb under his thighs. "left here," he motioned with his head to the next light, and she switched lanes.

"i know. and you will, too, 'cause richie tells me you're smart as hell, and i trust him on that. but you don't need to torture yourself to do that." pj turned left, looking to stanley cautiously. stanley bit his tongue. "um, where next?"

"right in three streets," stanley mumbled. "i'm their only kid, though."

"doesn't mean they get to do that shit to you." pj's response was immediate, like she'd known that would be his next argument. she turned down the right street, and he gave her another direction. "anyway, i don't know if anything i'm saying is actually helping you at all, but richie cares about you more than i've ever seen him care about anything, so i figured i'd give it a shot," she said, offhandedly. stanley blinked a couple times.

maybe he would never understand siblings.

when they got to stanley's house, pj pulled over, and as he went to grab his backpack, pj put the gear into park, "you can sit here a sec, if you want." she read his mind, and he settled back into the seat.

"why does richie call you percy?" stanley asked suddenly, the question sitting in the back of his head the whole car ride. as far as he'd ever met her, people had only ever called her pj. richie was the only exception to that—as he was to being called stanley.

"it's my first name," pj answered, but when she looked at stanley, she continued, "i'm not really sure. he never took to pj. he used to call me per-thee, 'cause he couldn't pronounce the c right. habit, i guess." she shrugged. stanley couldn't put his finger on why it felt important.

"what does the j stand for?" he asked, again unable to help it. she laughed quietly for a moment.

"joanne. they really went in two separate directions with the names, i'm not quite sure why." she leaned against the headrest, and stanley did the same, shuffling to look over at her. "can i ask—sorry if this is overstepping, i'm just honestly curious—does richie, um, totally hate me... or?" she trailed off, and stanley could see the big sister in her.

"um, i don't think so." stanley replied, though richie had told him the direct opposite to his face. "he doesn't, um, like you. but i don't think he really hates you." stanley had watched richie warm up to beverly, despite his so-called hatred for her. so maybe it was possible, what he was saying.

"okay, cool." she tapped her fingers on the wheel, and stanley thought that maybe she wasn't all that put together after all. the thought gave him comfort. "i don't blame him, if he does."

stanley decided it was time to go, pulling his backpack up onto his lap. as he pulled the handle to open the door, pj spoke once more.

"richie really does love you, you know. i... admittedly i don't know much about him, but i can tell he loves you. so, if you can't stand up to them for yourself... do it for richie." she gave him a sad smile, and stanley returned it as he got out of the car. he wasn't sure if she'd understood the implications of what she'd said. either way, as he glanced back at his house, he felt something churn in his stomach.

"thank you." he closed the car door, forcing himself to turn on his heels and walk off towards the door. when he glanced back, from the front door, he saw her, still sitting in there, her head now in her hands.