Our Last Lover

The Last Day

The sun glared into the cold, white room. The smell of medicine was overwhelming. It was a smell i always hated.  I sat up slightly in the chair, my back aching from bending in such an uncomfortable position for so long. My eyes felt hot and sore from the lack of sleep for the past week. 

I stared at the white bedding. It was so white in here, couldn't they think of a different colour choice. I looked further up the bed, my hand laid upon the hand resting on the soft, white bedding. The hand was wrinkled and callused proving the fact that the owner of the hand was of an older age. I finally locked my eyes on the face. The pale, slim face that looks like it belonged to a dead person. The face scrunched slightly feeling my eyes on them. Icy blue eyes opened, looking lost of a soul, empty of life. They stared back at me and seemed to relax slightly. 

My mother lay there staring into my eyes as i did hers. She looked almost guilty. Guilty that she was dying, like it was her fault. It could never have been her fault. It wasn't old age sure, but it's not her fault her husband had left. After my "father" left us a few months ago, her health deteriorated faster than i could even warn her or help her with it like she always did for me.

She smiled slightly. Her hand moving from underneath mine now laying a top of mine, she squeezed my hands and took a deep breath as if she wanted to say something but all that came out was a small whisper. She looked miserable as she removed her gaze from me and looked out the window. Her looking like this broke my heart. She had always been a role model towards me. Always smiling, always thought about the positive side. I could never be like that, i always thought the negative first.

"Ma, don't worry. You'll be fine. You always are. You're strong, stronger than you think." I smiled softly at her as her eyes slowly glided back over to me. I knew she wouldn't be fine. The doctor said she wouldn't. But i didn't want her feeling sorrowful for her last few days. I wanted her to feel happy for once. She smiled almost regretfully. She didn't know what to do. She always looked at me like she was proud. She always said she would be with me until the day she died. I remember the days she said that i would burst out crying and shouting at her to never leave me, that she couldn't leave me alone, that i would kill myself if she left. "Ma, i promise i'll be with you until your last breath. How about i get some chocolate. Hmm what about the one you really liked the cookies and cream one? Would you like that?" i smiled happily. although it wasn't real i knew i had to get her mind off of the thoughts. She nodded happily, she had always loved chocolate. Quite often i thought she loved it more than me. "Okay then. I'll be right back, i'll just go down to the shop on the ground floor." i jumped up and gave her a kiss before walking out of the room.

I slowly made my way down to the ground floor. Deciding to take the stairs instead of the lift. I thought of everything. My past, my present, my future. The future that i could not imagine anymore because i knew my mother wouldn't be in it.

The shop came into view as i mindlessly walked. knowing the way like the back of my hand by now. The friendly shop keeper smiled sadly at me. I walked in and grabbed a chocolate. As i started walking towards the shop keeper, she looked at me like i was an orphan. I WAS NOT AN ORPHAN! not yet anyway... I gave her a tight smile. She grabbed the chocolate and rung it up. I grabbed my card and started paying.

"Darling, are you going to be okay. I know about your mother. I just hope you'll be okay sweetheart." She smiled gently at me. Every word filled with pity. If there was one thing i really didn't like it was the the fact that people would call me pet names. I hated it, especially if i didn't know them.

"I'll be fine, thanks." I said in a slightly angered voice. I didn't mean to sound so rude. I just couldn't deal with more pity. I smiled and started walking away after grabbing the receipt. The walk back up to the room was slow and painful. The silence was one thing, the cold was another but the feeling of loneliness was a whole nothing story. It feels like a part of my soul was chipping away. I stared up as i walked, my mind blank of things to think. 

I heard shouting for backup from a room near by. The tears still in my eyes affected my vision from seeing the room number, but it sounded serious as several doctors and nurses started running towards the room. I stopped dead in my tracks. That room... that room was my mothers room. Why were they there. No they can't be there. THEY CAN'T BE THERE!

Staring at the room i fell to the floor. Doctors surrounded the bed and the constant beeping had stopped. The doctors barking orders for equipment and drugs they could use. It was no use. She was gone. 

She was gone...

How could she leave me...

She said she wouldn't leave...

She promised...

A nurse lightly tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up at her. My tears hadn't fallen. They wouldn't fall. I told her i would be strong. "Your mother had this under her pillow, i think this was meant to be given to you." she walked away as i stared at the note she had passed to me. It was a soft blue paper. Her favourite colour. I slowly opened the note. My tears threatening to make their presence known. 

In my mothers shaky handwriting on the small piece of paper was written. 

"I love you, and i always will. I will always be with you. I'm proud of you.

XOXO your ma"

And that was the day that my life changed forever. From joyful, ecstatic, carefree and comfortable to regretful, sorrowful, fearful and most importantly loneliness. It all turned black.

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-Rosey_Coffee