Case 420 /finished BxB/

23. dancing words

The reality of this all is crashing me in and the decision i have to take is making me nauseous thinking about it.

Days pass me by and before i knew it its time to leave again. I told my boss i had failed to kill him and turned off my phone.

I pack everything i have and dont bother to have it nice and neat. These past few days i did nothing but stay inside and eat the worst diet you could imagine.

But here i am, leaving. I take a taxi to the airport and wait for hours to take the plane back "home".

I watch every person who passes me by hoping i see his face. The look he gave him at last was burned into my mind.

I still see it in my nightmares but with a knife in his stomach and blood spewing out of his mouth.

But he didnt come. Nobody did.

The plane was long and boring. I couldnt fall asleep and the kid next to me couldnt too. He cried the whole time screaming at his mother who slept through it all.

I didnt even have energy to pay attention to it or to even be bothered by it. I felt like i was a walking corpse. Nobody was inside me, not a soul to see.

The plane landed and i returned back home. My apartment was left alone this whole time.

Dust got collected on the shelfs and a weird smell of forgotten painted over it. The air was stiff and the window curtains were only open a small bit.

The night made the apartment feel even colder. I left my luggage behind my front door and walked straight to my bed and fell asleep.

I woke up the next day with a headache that felt like it could kill me. I take some medicine i had and drank it down with cold water.

I hated this apartment a lot. When i first came here i felt so happy. I felt complete. A big apartment to show off the power i hold. But now it means nothing.

It is empty and cold and nobody to come home to. Nobody like ash. I miss the time in amsterdam already but i know it cant travel back in time.

I look through my phone and watch the pictures we took. It was never of us together.

There were pictures of streets and allyways i thought were pretty and the bussy streets that didnt bother me at that moment.

One single pictures is one i hold close to me. Close to my heart and burning in my mind sticking around like a tattoo.

A picture of mine and ash hands intertwined together. Holding eachother while walking trough the crowds.

I accidently took the picture when i wanted to take a picture of the street to remeber this time i helt his hand.

But here it was. The moment felt so real. I could almost feel his hands into mine again. The feeling i had came rushing back and disapearing the moment i realise what i did.

What i have to do. I know i have to do it. I still remeber the way his voice begged me to kill him.

I dont know the company would mean something to me now. Yes i would be rich and have everything i wished for since the age of 15.

To proof them all wrong. To know i got myself to this place by myself and wasnt the weakest one there.

But do i still want it? Am i still chasing after a dream that shouldve died long ago. Maybe i am.

Is it really worth it to have a reputation thats build on dead body's of people that you got hired to kill.

Is it really? I dont know the awsner to that. But one thing i know is that i dont want ash to die. I truly dont.

No matter how much i twist my mind around it and invision me as the ceo. I dont want it without him.

I dont know if ash will forgive me for this all. But i have to hope. I have to. For his sake and for mine.

I have to go to him. I have to see him even if its for the last time. Even if he tells me to go away and hurt me. I have to see him.

I need to have his arms wrapped around me and to smell him and be back into his embrace.

I want to look him into his eyes and see the whole world shine in them.

I want to tell him that i am sorry no matter what the after math is. I want to say it to him. I owe it to him.

I owe it to him when he was younger and to the version he is right now. To the version of him without and the version of him with me.

After all my sister is the reason he is this way. The reason why he is so fucked in the head and the reason why he cant go back to a normal life. The reason why his nightmares will forever follow him and the reason why he cant look at my face without seeing her.

I take a bath and sink right into it letting the water rush over my face imurging myelf in the water. I hold my breath until it feels like i am going to explode and come back to the surface breathing unsteady.

I used to do that when i was younger. Too get rid of the feeling i had because physical pain made my head feel quiet.

It started of small but later i started getting more habits along the way. I was self destructive to the point nobody could save me.

I still remember what i did when i heared the news. The news that my sister was killed.