Red Wolf

Thornbrook

12 February 2024

I haven't written in a while. Not since dad passed away.

The pen rests uncomfortably between my fingers, it feels like a foreign weight I can't quite get a hold of properly. I have to admit, I'd forgotten what it feels like to write, but I need to clear my troubled mind.

This vacation had felt both too short and too long. The former because when you're afraid like I am, time goes by faster. You can try to stall it by waking up early and laying around all day so that the weeks don't slip by. You can desperately comb your fingers through the sand in Cronus' hourglass all you want but in the end it's foolish to undermine his authority. The future will always be inevitable no matter how much you beg for it not to come.

Now, I say the latter because of my excitement. All my hard work paid off. I've been accepted into Thornbrook University! I can finally follow my dream and become a veterinarian. As happy and as proud as I am of myself, I'm also pretty nervous. For the first time in my life I'm going to have to leave home. I'm going to be all on my own.

I'm taking the bus tomorrow, it'll be a four hour drive from Westford to Thornbrook. The thought itself makes my heart want to escape from within the cavity of my chest. This all came too soon. I don't feel ready.

An abrupt knock made me jolt. I shut my journal reflexively, keeping the pen inside. I hid it in the cavity of my bedside table. As I cast my gaze to the door I saw that my mother had already opened it. She peeked at me from within the small opening; only wide enough to fit her narrow face.

"Is it ok if I come in?" I scooted aside to make space on the small single bed for her, the icy wall burned into my side. I hugged my knees. "Sure."

My eyes followed her as she closed the distance between us, every stride of hers was always so elegant- the characteristic of a ballet dancer. I always watched her dance when I was little.

She was retired now.

"Tomorrow's the big day, huh?"

I nodded. "I can't believe you grew up so fast." Neither could I.

"It just feels like yesterday when I saw you take your first steps, now you're leaving home already. All grown up." Her eyes glistened in the lamplight, seeing her lip quiver as she spoke cut through me, piercing my chest like a steak knife. This brought up another concern of mine. I knew once I stepped foot on that bus tomorrow, she'd be alone. After dad died she's only had me to keep her company.

Truth be told, I'm scared, too.

Not just about the muddy path ahead, but of being alone. I don't know what I'd have done if I didn't have my mom to comfort me after losing dad. It was a long, jagged year and we only had each other to hold on to. Everything happened so suddenly, in a moment like that you don't exactly know what to do. You're dumb with shock, absolutely lost and then you're pressed for funeral bills and final exams.

The world cruelly moves on like nothing happened, like they don't even care that your whole world just collapsed. It doesn't feel fair. Why should we mourn by ourselves, does no one else understand how great this loss is? It's not just another man that died that day. He was Dr. Daniel Martin, a hero, a guardian, a protector, a caregiver, but most importantly...He was my father.

I had to swallow the knot in my throat so that I could speak, ignoring how my own eyes began heating up with moisture. "I can't believe it either. I don't know where the years went."

"Your father would've been so proud of you." I sat stiffly. I hugged my knees more tightly, trying to keep my composure as my mother's cool fingers brushed up against my cheek. I bit the inside of my cheek hard, forcing my lips into a straight line. I fought my tears as I stared into her warm eyes. It wasn't long before it all came flooding out like a broken dam, unrestrained.