Case 420 /finished BxB/

12. some things i need to accept

I run after him following the mans footsteps. "Ash?" I ask way to loud and feel my heartbeat raise up. Is it him? Everything inside my body tells me its him. I feel a sence of emotions i havent had before.

The man turns around and all the hope in me had vanished away. It wasnt him. "Oh sorry" i apologize and walk even more. The man wasnt him. It was just a stranger.

My legs start hurting from the walks i had been taking and i sit down at a cannel. I watch the boats go by and let the time wash over me.

I watch the people around me laugh and talk to eachother for hours. Some stay longer and some take a small break and then leave again.

All these people have someone while im just here. Watching their lives go by.

I lay down on the small wooden piere. I let the rain wash over my face drenching myself in it.

After this week in amsterdam i had learned that hart means dutch in heart. In ash his document the nationality had been left out.

I guess i finally found out where he is from. Or atleast the origin of his last name.

The rain starts to clear into sun and i feel cold when the warm sun shines on my cold skin.

I get up and walk towards the box apartment thats just a 4 minute walk away. I open the door and walk in the small hallway feeling like its going to close up on me.

I go through the door and feel the door and see the same boring apartment. The bed is pushed agaisnt the wall and the kitchen is right at the opening. A small 2 person coutch is next to the bed and across from it a table with some of my stuff resting on it.

The bathroom is right next to my bed and im so fucking glad nobody is over or else i wouldve flashed them way to many times.

I open the window thats almost to a rotten point. The apartment is hot and feels like its suffocating me. I hate feeling of it. I hate it all.

I lay down on the coutch letting my body rest there.

A notification pops up on my phone and i made a bet with myself that it must be a push email.

But it was my boss. I look at the notification like i never saw one before almost shocked that he reached out to me.

I read the text and felt so tempted to leave him on read. "Now that youre in amsterdam you should meet someone nice there" he says and i roll my eyes. "Im fine alone" i type out the lie that used to be my truth.

I let my head rest agaisnt the coutch and stare at the ceiling.

"Aspen youre on leave right now for approximately a month or two you can meet someone there and maybe even have fun, youre allowed to have fun you know" my boss texts me and i decided to leave him on read.

I dont deserve even a slight bit of happiness. Atleast not with my past and not with the future that holds me.

Days pass by and i cant seem to shake the feeling away. I googled how to beat boredom but all the things arent working.

The hours walking around are getting boring and i know every single street out of my head.

I have seen some shit thay i shouldnt have and had random people speak to me and saying crazy shit. After these few weeks i am not even shocked anymore.

Maybe if i was with someone i wouldnt feel this empty.

Even the stupid spotter could chear me up at this point. The shops are all the same. Coffee shops, weed shops, clothing stores, more weed shops.

Boring boring boring.

People watching had been my favorite thing while being here. Once it rained a lot and it was really funny seeing the way people tried to not get soaked.

A few people had given up and walked straight through it like its normal. Once a couple ran through the rain holding eachothers hand and i wondered what it felt like.

Their smiles looks free and bright. Little do they know the rain could probably make them sick ass hell for the rest of the vacation.

Speaking of the experience i had myself. Walking in the rain wasnt the brightest idea i had on the first day of being in amsterdam.

The fever hit me hard and the seccond day it came even worse. Maybe it was a sign that this city wasnt going to be my favorite.

But non the less i cant leave until im allowed to. I hate that im forced to stay in this place.

My boss told me it is one of the 'fun' hideouts he has and would be better then sending me to a farming state in America.

I think the farming state wouldve been even worse then this but who knows. Maybe the next time i kill someone with a higher profile i can try it out.

As the end of the day comes near i walk back to the all to familiar street to my apartment.