Joan Ascends

Chapter 33: I don't want to be without you

"You might not like what I'm about to say, but it was my choice to make," Justus begins.

I hold back my sigh, wishing that we could hold on to this last moment together a little longer.

"It's okay, Justus. I understand."

"You really don't," he says, and something in his tone makes me turn to look him in the eye.

He doesn't have the resigned expression of a man about to break a girl's heart. Instead, his cheeks are flushed and there's a strange glitter in his eyes that makes me nervous. Justus is always the steady one, but tonight he looks like how I feel when I've done something dangerous.

"Tell me."

"I infected myself with H2IV," Justus says. My adrenaline spikes, making my heart pound in my chest. "But before you freak out—"

"What the fuck?!"

"I insisted on being the guinea pig for Marie's serum, and my H2IV is now dormant. Just like yours. The serum works."

"Why? WHY? There are literally hundreds of Throwbacks who are already infected who would have gladly tested Marie's serum. Justus...do you want to die?"

The idea that the love of my life—my God, he's the love of my life—might want to die hits me in the heart like a sledgehammer.

"I didn't know that you were feeling this way. I should have been there for you. We'll get you help."

Justus puts both of his hands on my shoulders. He's...smiling at me. "I'm not suicidal, Joan. I did it for us. Because now that the H2IV is dormant in my system, we can be together, as surely as if I were a Throwback myself."

My mouth opens and then closes again, but no words come out. Justus rushes to fill in the silence.

"The most miserable time of my entire life was when you were locked up in Strand and I was helpless to save you. But even then, I'd rather be miserable and in love with you than to never have met you. I can't live without you."

And, even if it's selfish, I won't ask him to. I rise up on my toes, stopping when my lips are a breath from his. I thread my fingers through his hair with one hand, and rest the other on his heart, which is beating so hard that I can feel it beneath my palm.

"You're not mad?" he asks tentatively, eyes full of hope.

"I'm fucking furious. You're going to have to spend the rest of your life watching every move you make so that you don't accidentally activate the virus."

"This is worth it. And you would have done the exact same thing, if our situations were reversed."

I swallow, trying to keep "The fact that someone as brilliant and bold and good as you truly sees me, and chooses to be with me anyway, is the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"Thank God," Justus breathes, and then his mouth is on mine, and we don't need words for a long, long time.

***

Much later, when we're back in our room, entangled together in a way I never thought we would be, peace settles over me. It's strange, in spite of my grief and fear about what's still to come, that in this moment I can be happy.

"You feel okay?" Justus asks, his tone a little tentative.

My head is tucked into his shoulder, so he can't see me blush. "Okay doesn't begin to cover it. I feel amazing."

Justus laughs, and I shift so that I can see his face while he's still flushed with pleasure and joy. Knowing that he wants to be with me is my own personal miracle, and I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can.

"I'm glad we're on the same page," he says.

As much as I don't want to break the mood, there are things I need to tell him. The visions of my memorial might come true tomorrow or a year from now, but I can't face that future if I don't know that he'll be okay. Justus must feel the shift in my emotions, because his face becomes serious.

"I'm not sure I want to know what's going on in your head right now," he admits.

"I get why you were mad when I surrendered myself to Strand. If you had done that, I would have lost my mind."

Justus releases a long breath. "I know that you'll fight to your last breath to save others. But you don't fight for yourself with the same conviction. If you did, I wouldn't be so afraid when you decide to take a risk."

He's not wrong. I turn his words over in my mind before speaking. "I'll try harder. I'll do what I'd want you to do if you were in my place."

"What do you have planned?"

"Right now? Nothing. But these visions of mine show me a future that I don't survive."

Justus presses his forehead against mine. "Where you go, I go. We'll face whatever is coming together."

"That's not what I want, Justus. I'll fight with everything I have to get back to you. But if I can't, I want you to be happy."

Justus's face hardens, and I know that this is one battle I won't win. "You aren't the only one who gets to make their own decisions, Joan. And I've decided to link my fate to yours. Whatever goes down, we do it together."

And with those words, my peace vanishes as I contemplate a future where I have to watch Justus die, just like Addie.