Joan Ascends

Chapter 31: Rage and loss

A strange sound, like the pop of a firecracker, pierces the air. A soft sound escapes Addie, somewhere between a gasp and a whimper, before she falls to the floor. It's only then that I see Dr. Avery holding a type of gun so old that I've only seen it in movies. He's pale, and his hand is shaking.

My gaze moves down to Addie. In the middle of her forehead is an angry red wound, and blood is already pooling behind her head. Her blue eyes are wide open, and her body has the perfect motionlessness that only the dead can achieve.

A sound comes out of me that isn't human. It's a howl of rage and loss that comes from a primitive part of my mind that I'm not totally in control of.

I look back up at Dr. Avery, who is clearly in shock. "I...I...she was rushing in. She would have killed me if I hadn't killed her."

He's not talking to me; he's talking to himself. I hate him. I hate him with a ferocity that surpasses any other emotion I've ever known. With a flick of my thumb, I change the setting on the laser pen to kill.

Dr. Avery's eyes meet mine, and I move faster than I knew I could. It takes less than a second to point and shoot, and he falls to the ground.

My breaths come in short, shallow gasps, and darkness creeps into the edges of my vision. I fall to my knees, and my pants are instantly soaked with Addie's blood. I cradle her head in my lap, but no tears come.

Leaving Addie is unthinkable, so I curl up next to her instead. Maybe I'll bleed out from the wound on my leg, or perhaps Strand's goons will find me and kill me. If neither outcome happens, I'll find a way to end my life myself.

When darkness takes me, I hope that I never have to wake from it again.

***

"Oh my God."

"Are they both dead?"

"No, Joan's breathing."

"Justus! Justus, snap out of it! You need to get Joan out of here. Mason and I will bring Addie. Go!"

Two sets of arms haul me up, and then I'm thrown over someone's shoulder. I groan, wanting to demand that they leave me here to die, but my mouth won't form the words.

Instead, I fade in and out of consciousness as someone—Justus—hauls me out a back exit and into a waiting van. He's speaking to me, but I can't make sense of what he's saying. He lays me across one of the seats and efficiently rips my pant leg to expose the wound in my upper thigh.

I briefly register Harriet and Mason getting in the front seats and the van taking off. The vehicle jolts violently several times, and Harriet changes the setting of the car from self-driving to manual. Justus grips me tightly so that I don't fall off the seat.

Seconds or minutes or hours later, the van slows to a more normal speed and Justus opens a med kit. His hands move efficiently as they clean and numb my wound. Talking to me all the while in low, soothing tones, he stitches it closed.

"Hang in there," Harriet says. I don't deserve the empathy in her warm brown eyes.

"Nnnnn—" I keep trying to form words, but the pain in my chest is so intense I can't fully focus on anything else—until a vision hits me.

I'm in a tiny enclosed space, laying down flat on my back. A cabinet? No, it's long enough that my legs can stretch out fully, and the sides are made of something padded and satiny. My fingers explore every surface, and I realize where I am.

A coffin. They've buried me alive. I pound on the lid, straining my muscles and pushing with everything I have. But no amount of struggling will succeed in pushing open a lid covered by six feet of dirt.

The panic drains out of me as I remember I have a choice. I slide my hand in my pocket, and find the pill that I've been carrying with me all these weeks. I've been saving it for just this moment.

I place it in my mouth, at peace with the knowledge that with one swallow, all the pain will be gone.

I snap back into the present. Harriet is holding one of my hands, and Justus has his fingers on my pulse, likely monitoring my heart rate while I was under the spell of my vision. He relaxes slightly when he sees that I'm conscious.

"You're okay, Joan. You're safe."

Harriet nods. "We're laying low for a while, because this van is now too recognizable by Strand to be driven. But Marie is sending another vehicle for us to take back to the Chrysalis. And Joan—Lozen and the others made it out alive."

And Addie would have, too, if not for my bad call. But I don't say that. "I want..."

"What do you want?" Justus asks me softly, cradling my chin in his hands as if I'm the most precious thing in the world. But even Justus's gentle touch doesn't lessen the grief weighing on my heart. Addie is dead, and all I can think of is how much I wish I could switch places with her.

I remember that magic, lethal little pill that I held in my mouth in my vision. "I want...to die."