Joan Ascends

Chapter 20: I know what I'm getting into

"Maybe they won't murder her. But there are still ways to punish her," Harriet says, staring at the ground. "Ways that could make her wish she were dead."

Even Wilde's expression is serious now.

"I know what I'm getting into," I insist, but no one will look at me. "I'm going to make it back out, with enough proof of Strand's crimes to ensure that they are destroyed for good."

No one says anything in response to my words. It's worse than if they openly disagreed. I think of the memorial that is somewhere in the near future, and swallow any more false promises.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all," Wilde says. "So says one of the most brilliant men to ever walk the earth."

"Oscar Wilde?" I guess.

Wilde nods. "You are choosing to set aside your fear and live, Joan. It is the best and boldest choice you could possibly make, and I, for one, believe that it is the right one. Now get moving. I'll see you in two hours, after hair and makeup."

~ ~ ~

I meet Wilde, Sun, and several members of our filming crew in front of the broken-down Bunker. While I was getting in costume, I reviewed a rough script that Sun sent me. It includes key messages that he wants to be able to insert into future episodes, as well as a longer monologue for the final episode.

Once the cameras are rolling, I find that I don't need a script to say the things that Sun needs from me. Every word comes directly from my heart. I talk about my past, and what it means to me to be a Throwback after spending most of my life Evolved.

For the first time, I open up about the friends I've lost, and the battles that have left more than the scar across my face that everyone notices first. In case the worst happens, Wilde even has me film a message of farewell. None of it feels forced, until the final monologue.

"We need something iconic, rousing people to action," Wilde says, flipping through a rough script that he'd been workshopping with students at Seattle Secondary. "We had something written for you and Justus to do together but..."

"But he wouldn't do it," I guess, and Wilde nods. I'm grateful when he doesn't try to crack a joke about it, because the thought of not being able to make things right with Justus before I step inside Strand hurts my heart.

"I'm going down there, and you're not stopping me!" a little voice insists.

I look up and see Mav climbing down the nearest ladder into the Lab.

"Buddy, it's not safe down here. They aren't finished reinforcing the tunnel to make sure it doesn't collapse," I tell him when he jumps off the ladder and faces me.

"If it's safe enough for you, it's safe enough for me," he says, with a stubborn tilt of his head. "Jin heard Harriet and Mason say that you're going to Strand tomorrow. You wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to me, would you?"

"Give us a minute," I tell Wilde and the Crew.

I pull Mav down the tunnel, to where it widens into a room that used to be the makeshift cafeteria for the homeless Throwback kids who lived here. We sit on two overturned crates. Mav looks at me with eyes that are too old to belong in such a young face.

"I wouldn't have left without saying goodbye."

"Blu says that they might hurt you. Even kill you. Don't go, Joan. I don't want you to be that brave."

"Do you remember when you stole your dad's tablet, so that we could prove to the world that he was a bad man? Or when you, Jin and Blu acted as spies and found out who on the police force was spying for Crew? Or, my personal favorite, when you helped us break into the Seattle Psychiatric Institute?"

Mav nods.

"I never wanted you to be brave all those times, either."

"But I did it anyway."

It's my turn to nod.

"Because it was the right thing to do, and I knew I could help," he says, and I can practically see the wheels in his mind spinning. "That's what you're doing."

"Exactly. I'm doing this because nobody else can."

"I wish you could take me with you," Mav says, resting his head on my shoulder. His head smells like shampoo and sweat, and it's the best smell in the world.

"In a way you'll be with me, buddy. Because every time that I'm scared or hurting, I'll remember how brave you were, and how you didn't give up, no matter how hard things got. And if it seems like there's no way out, I'll know that I have to find a way, because you're out here waiting for me."

Mav hugs me tightly, and when he releases me, there are tears swimming in his eyes. "I know you can do this."

"Thanks, Mav," I say, trying to keep my voice steady. He's the first person to say that to me, and it feels like one of my visions. If Mav believes I'll make it back out, then it has to be true.

A prickle of awareness has me searching the dark tunnels around us for eyes that might be watching. For the first time, I notice that a tiny flying camera has captured this moment with Mav. Leave it to Wilde to take my private moment and turn it into primetime entertainment.

Mav notices the camera, too, and grins. "Headmaster Wilde says me, Jin and Blu are the real stars of the show. No wonder he's following me around with a camera."

The camera isn't the only one watching us. Justus is leaning against the wall just outside the room Mav and I are in.

"Mav, can you make sure this camera makes it back to Sun and Wilde?"

Mav nods and follows it back toward the Bunker where the film crew is set up. When we're alone, Justus takes the seat next to me and puts his head in his hands, threading his fingers through his hair.

He looks up at me with haunted eyes. "I bet Nic could have thought of a way to stop you from doing this. But for the life of me I can't think of a single way to save you from this decision."

"Maybe he would have," I admit. "But one of the many reasons I love you is because you never take my choices from me. You tell me the truth, even when the truth guts me, and accept that I am going to make up my own mind."

"Just come back."

I want to tell him I will, and beg him to forgive me so that we can still be together. But the truth is that I don't know whether this is the decision that will lead me to the memorial service I saw in my vision or not. All I know is that time is speeding ever closer to our last goodbye, and pulling Justus closer now will only hurt him more in the end. So instead of pouring out my heart and kissing him one more time, I stuff my feelings deep inside and hope that losing me won't break everyone I love.