I've played baseball my entire life, ever since I could hold something in my hands. My dad taught me to play. aswell as my little brother, Hamilton 'Ham' Porter. We were close when we were younger but we just happened to grow apart, find our own friends.
I played baseball with a bunch of other girls who wanted to play but the boys wouldn't let them on their team, so we made our own. We never really got close. We'll they got close with eachother but not with me. My only true friend was Mr. Mertle. Sad I know.
And then you have my brother and his friends. Bertram, the Timmons twins, Yeah-Yeah, Squints, Kenny and Benny. I always was drawn to Benny. I don't know what it was but there was something about him that made him sort of sparkle, I'll never sparkle, not like him at least.
It was lunch time and I went out to join the girls to play baseball. When I got over to them everyone was already there. I was first up to bat. I held the bat in my hands, adjusting my grip, getting ready to swing. The ball was flying towards me hard and fast.
CRACK
The ball made contact with the bat and was off flying again. It was still flying, I had hit a home run. I ran around the bases. First. Second. Third. And home. I just stood there as I felt everyone's eyes on me, but not in a good way. "Yeah, your off the team." One of the girls said.
""What. Why?" I asked her and the rest of the team.
"Because you don't fit in with us." Another girl said. Not even trying to be nice.
"What! That's bullshit!" I yelled. "I shouldn't have to trow away the only partially good thing in my life because I'm to good for you!" I felt tears building up in my eyes. Not sad tears, angry tears.
"Sorry, but your also kinda a bitch." Another girl said.
"Thats it!" I was fuming now. In less than a couple seconds my fist had collided with her face.
"What is going on here!" I heard someone yell from behind me. It was the principle. Just what I needed on the last day of school before summer break. "To my office now!" She yelled at the other girl and I.
I slowly followed behind hoping that I could slip away without her noticing. But that didn't happen. I took a seat in the principles office next to the other girl. The principle came in, shut the door then took a seat at her desk. "What was going on out there." She asked rather calmly.
"THEY CUT ME FROM THE TEAM!"
"SHE SAID IT WAS BULLSHIT!"
"SHE CALLED ME A BITCH!"
"YOU PUNCHED ME!"
"BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME A------" I got cut of by the principle.
"BOTH OF YOU DETENTION AFTER SCHOOL!" She yelled. Then the bell rang. I went to my last class of the day before my detention. Benny was in this class and he sat right next to me. We became reasonably close with eachother over the past year.
"What happened at lunch?" Benny whispered to me.
"They cut me off the team then called me a bitch so I punched the girl that called me a bitch." I wispered back.
"Why did they cut you from the team? your their best player."
"That's the reason they cut me from their team. Because I'm the best player. I told them it was bullshit but they didn't care."
"Care to share that with the class." The teacher asked in her unpleasant teacher voice that sounds like a 60 year old lady on drugs.
"I would share it with the class, but I wouldn't want to waste more of your precious time." I said. I was pretty pissed off, and there was nothing she could do I already had a detention and it was the last day of school.
The bell rang for the end of the day but all that ment for me was time for detention. "You're going the wrong way." Ham said.
"No I'm not dipshit, I've got detention." I replied in that tone that sblings use to tell eachother their stupid. He poked his tongue at me so I pulled the finger at him and walked into the detention room.
°•°Time Skip°•°
I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling while throwing a baseball to myself. Thoughts were rushing threw my head to fast for me to process.
The only good thing in my life is gone. Is there anything to live for.
Mabey I should just end it.
What would my parents think.
What would Mr. Mertle think.
Is there any point of living.
I felt tears stream down my face. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel anything except numb. Like my soul was broken and could never be fixed.
I opened my window and sat on the windowsill with my legs dangling outside. I thought about jumping I really, really did. I almost did it. Until I heard someone coming up the srairs. I climbed back inside my window and lay back down on my bed.
I reached for my switchblade off my bedside table and played with it in my hand. Felt it sit in my hand. I opened it and ran my thumb along the blade. I then grabbed it by the handle properly and put a slit in my arm for each time I had let people down or just been worthless.
One for today. One for yesterday. One for the night I sat on the edge of the rooftop thinking about jumping. One for the time on the rail road. Ten, one for each night I didn't come home this month. One for detention. I dropped my switchblade onto the floor and it made a clink. I watched as blood pored out my arm yet still I felt nothing. Just broken and numb.
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