Falling in and out of love (#Wattys2015)

Part 21

Dr Turner tapped his watched as I entered. I'd got home, my face red from running, hardly able to breathe, and I'd had to endure ten minutes of Mum telling me off for being late before we'd encountered a traffic jam on the way... so we may have been about half an hour late...

"Sorry," I mumbled,

"Your face looks pink,"

"That's because I was running,"

"Oh, I see..." he raised an eyebrow, "You have a good reason for being late I presume?"

"I was out with my friend, Lizzy,"

"It's nice that you have a friend now,"

"Yes, I think so. We went to the cinema,"

"And you didn't have any...outbursts?"

"No, this is strange, as I usually get pissed..." Dr Turner gave me a disapproving look and I looked down at my feet as I sat onto the sofa, "...I mean angry, sorry- at someone when I see them at least once,"

"Maybe you're trying to hold onto the friends you have because you don't want to lose them,"

"...Maybe..."

"Anyway," Dr Turner said, "I thought we could work on some ways to control your anger."

"But I can't..."

"In this room, there's no such word as 'can't..."

I rolled my eyes; I'd heard this from so many teachers before...

"Come on, you want to be happy? This is the first step."

"Ok then, show me your magical mumbo jumbo," I said sarcastically, and he pushed his glasses up his nose just like Oliver, and I had to look away.

"Ok, I want you to think of something that makes you angry," he said, gesturing for me to close my eyes. I did so, and thought of Oliver. I thought of him, and his slightly greasy hair, with his stupid voice, and his stupid glasses that he was always pushing up his stupid nose on his stupid face...and then I thought of our stupid...kiss. Oh, Oliver. He'd been my first kiss, and I'd treated him like shit when I had been with him. I would get him back. I was bubbling with anger, but not at Oliver; at myself.

"Samantha?" Dr Turner asked quietly, and my eyes snapped open. I swallowed a lump in my throat and gulped, "Yes, sorry, what did you say?"

"I want you to think of what makes you angry, and think of something counteracting it, to make it better. Another idea is to count to ten in your head."

I closed my eyes again, and thought of how stupid I was. I always took things the wrong way, always pushed away people I loved, always messed up somehow; never paid attention in school. I was such a bitch, such a worthless human being. The world would be better without me...

And then I thought of Lizzy. I'd pushed her away, threatened her, and yet she still stood by me; even went to the cinema with me. She cared, even if it was too late for me and Oliver...but of course it wasn't. I was going to change, and I would be back with Oliver, I would...

"Samantha?"

I blinked, "Huh?"

"It's been a minute, have you done it?"

I thought of Lizzy and Oliver, and a welcome calmness swept over me like a wave. I nodded,

"Yes,"

"What did you think of?"

"My friend and my...boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?"

"Ex..." I started but tears cut me off, and I sighed sadly. Dr Turner smiled kindly,

"This must be hard for you, and you only just got over your philophobia."

"I think I've still got it to be honest," I shrugged, and he leaned forward in his seat,

"Go on," he prompted.

"I would kiss him and laugh with him, but then I would push him away again, and I would hurt him, which hurt me too,"

"Do you think that maybe you did this because you didn't want him to get too close that you would hurt him,"

"Well I've hurt so many people, why is he any different?"

"Because it sounds to me that you don't want to hurt him, and that's enough." He pushed his glasses up his nose and blinked at me.

"How did you break up?"

"We fought while I was at the hospital waiting for my Mum,"

"And after?"

"He said he wanted to be friends, but I know he want us to get back together,"

"Oh?"

"Well he..." I trailed off, not really knowing what to say properly.

"Are you sure you're not just hanging on because this is your first relationship, and you don't want to let go?"

I looked at him for a moment, "No." I said softly and a tear slipped from my eye and fell onto my knee, darkening the material of my trousers.

"My dad's gone, my Mum might..." I couldn't go on as a torrent of tears fell uncontrollably and I fell back against the sofa and cried, trying to find comfort in the comfortable material.

"Your Mum's told me she's feeling better, and she's having the operation isn't she?"

"Yes, but what if something goes wrong, what if it's already spread, what if she..."

"She won't give up that easily,"

"I don't want to be alone,"

"I know, I know...here," he handed me a tissue and I sobbed into it.

"I just want my boyfriend back," I sobbed quietly, just so he could hear, but no louder.

"Samantha. You will probably go through this again, and again. People usually go through this several times before finding the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. I hate to say this, but you might want to face the fact that you and Oliver might not..."

"Please don't say it," I mumbled quietly, through the tears, my voice hard, a voice inside me head counting to ten, just like he suggested. Dr Turner stopped mid-sentence and pinched the bridge of his nose,

"Just...think about it," he said quietly, sadly. He glanced at his watch, "Our time today is finished, think about everything we've done today, and if you need to talk, I'm here, ok?"

I didn't look at him, but I nodded slowly, "Ok."

I got up and tossed my wet tissue into the bin on the way out. I then went to the bathroom and splashed some cold water onto my eyes until the red rings around them disappeared and I looked almost happy.

'You might want to face the fact that you and Oliver might not...'

I shook my head, no, we would get back together and he would see; he would!

I went out to the front of the centre and slid into the car.

"Did he mind you being late?" Mum asked as I closed the door behind me.

"I wouldn't have wanted to stay in there any longer," I mumbled, staring out of the window just as rain started to pitter patter against the glass, the raindrops in a race to get to the bottom of the window pane.

"Are you still wanting to come here; you can stop if you..."

"No," I said instantly as one of the raindrops reached the bottom, "I need to do this, Mum, I need to because if I don't then..." Oliver flashed into my mind, and I pushed him away, no, he will come back. I liked going to see Dr Turner, because I could just let everything out and he wouldn't judge me. I could cry a river over everything that had happened, and no-one would ever know. It meant I wasn't bottling everything up, so I could forget it; be happier- and I liked it that way. Oh Oliver, just wait for me a little longer, just a little...