Lights Out

The Open Door

Entertainment business is the perfect example of the proverb 'All the glitters are not gold'. People use the ones on the screen to create a fantasy, an escape from their own dull life. And if one of them makes a mistake, they use them to hide their own insecurities. To show that at they are better at being a human. Hearts are not just broken but stomped everyday. The happier we show, the lonelier we are in real life. Homes empty, no one waiting for us. Fake friends laughing at your jokes that you yourself don't find funny, accompanying you for purpose. You trust no one, you let no one in, if you do, you let them take what's left for your heart, for you to be called human.

Korean Idols, also known as kpop idols has it the worst. The pressure of being perfect is the worst part. It is about not exceeding their expectations. Even if I die on the stage, they could still call me lazy. If I miss a note because I couldn't breathe, I would still be called a bad singer. I have worked so hard to be in this industry for 8 years. It is a little easier now but doesn't mean I can slack off. They just need me to make one mistake and it will be me on the headline tomorrow morning. Even if alone in my room I could feel their eyes on me.

"Jongin, Jongin, Kim Kai', a voice snapped me out of my thoughts, "Are you even listening to me?"

It is Chris Lee, the CEO of SM entertainment, one of the biggest companies in Korean entertainment industry. I am honestly lucky to be here but I couldn't care less

"Yes, I am listening, sir", I sit up straight to show him that he got my full attention when it is not the truth.
"So this album's concept..."and slowly his words fades away as I begin to overthink again. After the longest meeting, most of which I spent uninterested not unintentionally but unapologetically. The summary was that I may make a comeback in coming 3 months for which I need to work hard.

I still have 3 more hours to call it day and since my body needs to work hard starting tomorrow, I decided to ease my body into the hectic schedule by little chill freestyling. Dancing has always been my forté, my only source of happiness. I have never felt so free, not even when I am opening up to someone, it is my only vent, my only expression. The only way I can survive this life. The only reason I chose this life.

I had no idea that I spent almost 5 hours dancing. There one more thing with dancing time flies away when I dance. There is no one in the practice room except me in that dimly lit corner. I sit down with a water bottle in my hand. I have told everyone to leave since I didn't know when I would finish and moreover I can drive home myself. I chug the whole bottle down, wiping my lips with back of my hand. I look in the mirror in front of me, reflecting back the sweaty hair sticking to my forehead. My Adam's apple moving up and down due to heavy breathing my clothes sweaty sticking to my boney structure. It is really crazy how much weight I have lost in a few years. My cheekbones are so visible so are my collar bones. I have a broad structure so I don't look that skinny. But the weight loss has been tremendous and I'm not sure what's the reason.

I get up from the floor regaining my breathe. I took my bag and went straight to parking lot. It is finally time to go home. I feel so tired, that i might collapse. Heaving a deep sigh, i reved the engine of my car and went off.

It is almost midnight, the road are almost empty, it feel nice to drive like this, i rolled my window down to feel the spring breeze. It was until I started feeling nauseous. I stopped the car at the nearest parking lot. I felt like I can't breathe, I took off my mask and got off my car. I leaned my back on car sliding down on the floor as I felt no power to stand. My head feels heavy and i feel like collapsing down. My stomach is aching, then I remembered I didn't eat anything today.

After sometime I finally collected some off my energy to get up. I thought it would be too dangerous to drive so I decided to hunt for food on foot. I can barely feel my legs as I stood up putting my weight on the car window.

It was almost midnight barely any restaurant was open, I couldn't even find a convenient store near by. It was until i smelled something cooking. I made me feel ill so ill that i could barely hold on to myself, I feel like throwing up. But I need to eat. After walking in the alley following the smell, i find a small restaurant, lights still on and I could hear someone in there. There was closed sign but it was the only open door.

I reached the door barely holding on the my life, and as soon as I entered I stumbled upon my own foot falling on my knees with loud sound. The light sounds of clinking utensil and running water stopped and I looked up to see a stoned headed man with my clouded eyes.

I am still on my knees, my hands on the floor, my head down as if I am begging. I suddenly felt hands around my shoulder helping me up. I look to the side to see the same buzz cut guy. I can barely see his features and I am on the verge of passing out.

He helped me sit on a chair and drink some water. I instantly held his hand on the glass.

"Food...Hun...Hungry", I can barely form sentences. He put down the glass as soon as I said the words and ran to somewhere I could barely see. I might lose consciousness before I get food. I put my head on the table. I got up when I felt a pat on my elbow. I smelled food from a proximity. I sat up straight, resting a bit and water helped a bit. My eyes are no longer cloudy, so now i can see the buzz cut guy clearly. He is carrying a tray with a black bowl. He kept it in front of me as soon as I sat up straight.

"I am sorry, this is all I could make from the leftovers. Please enjoy your meal.", He said politely while taking a seat in front of me.

It was a seafood porridge but it smelled so crazy. I took the spoon and put a big bite in my mouth, it tasted so good, I looked back at the stranger, I am so sure he could see my eyes shining. He was looking at me so intensely like he was going to ask me what ingredients are used in this dish. I gulped my food almost choking. He stilled stared at me like he was waiting for something. It continued until I finished the bowl.

He licked his lips and looked at me with those round curious eyes,"So how was it?" His speaking voice is so good, I could easily get distracted.

I looked down at the bowl clean without any traces of food.

"It wa-", my voice cracked so i cleared my throat and said," It was good"

"Really can you explain how it tasted, I didn't get to taste it in the kitchen.",he has now leaned over the table, curiosity still clear on his face.

"I don't really know how to describe it, it was fresh and light, the fish in it was also good. This is definitely one of the best porridge I have ever had.",then I saw a little proud smile on his face. It is probably the first expression I have seen on his face and he looks kinda cute.

He stood up taking the empty bowl with him back to kitchen which I now notice is an open kitchen. The interior remind you of an old Chinese movie but it feels so comfortable like home.

His back is turned on me as he washes the dishes. I went to kitchen separation which divides the dining area and the kitchen. I still don't know if it is okay to enter the kitchen. So I stayed there and called him

"Excuse me, how much would be that porridge.", he looked at me while wiping his hands with a small towel near him.

"Oh that, you don't have to pay for that. It was leftovers and would be thrown out tomorrow if you didn't eat it.", he said now wiping the countertops.

"But still, It feels weird.", I tried to counter his excuse.

"It's okay", he then looked at my eyes. I never thought it was this easy to convince me.

But then I looked at myself, my white tshirt now almost brown maybe because of leaning against the car and sweat is still not dried even I think I sweated more when I was nauseating and now I stink. He probably think I am a beggar. What a way to make first impression Jongin.