Under Pressure

Argumentative

"Raph, you can't just-" Leo started to correct him.

"I do what I want!" Raph cracked his knuckles. "And right now, I want to go find Donnie and make things right for once, even if you don't!"

"Raph!" Leo got up and grabbed Raph's shoulder. "Listen to me, we're all going to work on bringing him back and making things right, but arguing about who does and doesn't care doesn't help. We're all worried and we all care, but hurting each other will only make things worse. The best thing we can do right now is take a little break, then go to look for him again. When we find him, we can apologize and make up for it, but acting like that won't help anyone or do anything but fuel a feeling of self righteousness."

"I was down for everything you said until you made it about ego!" Raph moved Leo's hand off. "I was starting to think you had a point until you started acting like this was about me trying to feel better than you guys! I thought you were going to actually pay attention to thinks and then help me find our little brother! I thought you were actually changing for a moment but I guess the great leader Leonardo isn't capable of it!" he got sarcastic.

"Raph, can you just stop it?" Leo groaned. "I'm sick of you acting like you aren't a part of this, like you didn't yell at him all the time too! I know-"

"Stop it, stop arguing with each other!" Mikey shouted over them both, only to get their attention. "Normally I have Donnie here to make me feel better and tell you guys to stop but now he's not here... I just wanted to sit down because I'm tired and then get our brother back, but you guys won't even stop arguing just to rest..." he looked down, he was taking things a lot more seriously than usual. "I miss Donnie, I just want him back and I don't know what to do because he's not here, telling me what we're gonna do next... I hate being here without him because you two don't do anything other than argue and fight."

"Mikey, I'm-..." Leo spoke softer than before. "I'm sorry. I know you want him back, we all do. I should focus more on the mission. Let's actually take a break and then keep looking." he closed his eyes, making sure to fully rest.

"Fine." Raph sat down, crossing his legs while looking into the distance. They sat in silence as they rested. Why had they been arguing over my wellbeing? Why did they miss me? Why did they want me back? I was so confused, Raph had pointed out so many things about who I was rather than what I could do, he pointed out my joy and my pain. Why did he care, why had he noticed that? How was I supposed to fight them knowing that they all wanted me back and genuinely cared about me? The only fuel I had, the doubt of them caring, was gone now that I'd heard what they said without me there. They weren't functioning like a normal family without me, I'd been at least at home before then. Now they were even more dysfunctional than before, which was saying something considering the fact that our family wasn't exactly healthy to begin with. How was I supposed to fight the people that wanted to save me, to protect me? I had to get over it, it was either I get some form of petty revenge I didn't even want or Voice would kill me and traumatize them rather than them just deal with me hitting them with a metal stick. I had to get myself to start it somehow, so I grabbed a pebble off of the ground I was standing on, then threw it near them.

"What was that?" Mikey looked around.

"I don't know, it could've been anything." Leo got up, carefully drawing his swords. "Get ready for anything, okay?"

"Don't just jump into a fight, it could be Donnie." Raph added. 

"I know that." Mikey scoffed quietly. I then jumped down onto the roof they were on and stood in front of them. "Donnie!" Mikey immediately cheered at seeing me.

"New look?" Raph gestured to my mask.

"I'm not here to come back." I had to act like I didn't care about them, they didn't need to know that I was struggling more than they already thought. "If you're going to treat me like an enemy, then I'll be one. But I know your secrets, I know all of your flaws and how to take each one of you down now that I'm serious about this."

"Donnie, what are you talking about?" Leo spoke slowly, he was going through denial about the situation.

"Now that I'm not holding back, I can make you feel the pain I felt." I hated speaking like that, I didn't want to do what I was doing. But what else was I supposed to do, betray Voice and get myself killed? That wouldn't help them. I spun my staff for a bit, then held it, ready to fight with it. "Who's first? Maybe Raph?"

"What?!" Raph looked at me. "I'm not gonna fight you!"

"Oh, now you're not going to fight me." I, even during a time of extreme stress, could see the way that didn't line up with things he'd said not that long ago. "You can't fight me, then fine. I'll just take that as a sign to get this over with faster."

"Donnie, what's wrong with you?" Mikey looked at me, fear in his eyes. He wasn't scared of me though, he was scared for me. He was worried about me.

"Oh, you finally say what I've been waiting for you to say and it's not even out of concern." I sighed. "The only time someone will ask what's wrong is when they're asking what's wrong with me, like they're trying to figure out just how crazy I am now."

"Donnie, this isn't you." Leo stayed on guard, his swords were ready to block an attack.

"Yeah, just like it isn't me to not manipulate people." I was still upset with Leo, so that part wasn't as difficult to say. "I'm tired of allowing you to define me, I'm tired of pretending like you know who I am when you clearly don't see me as a person."

"That's not true, Donnie-" Leo looked more upset.

"I don't have all day, I can't just sit around and talk the entire time like it's going to fix things. I tried to talk about it before, but you didn't listen." I didn't want to have to feel any more bad about it, so I decided it was enough talking about it. "It really does suck it has to be like this though, I would've appreciated having loving brothers." I lunged at Mikey, who was clearly the least prepared to fight, and got ready to strike. Leo jumped in front of me and used his swords to block my staff. The clang of metal hitting metal was something he wasn't used to when fighting me based on him cringing slightly to the sound. I kicked him in the stomach to push him away, both glad that I had longer legs than the rest of them and cursing myself for treating my brothers poorly. 

"Donnie, listen to us!" Leo looked at me desperately. "Listen to me! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you!" I fought with Raph and Mikey both while Leo talked, they kept me from having an easy way to attack Leo so he could speak. "I didn't know how bad it was, I couldn't figure out the right time to fix things between us! I didn't mean for all of this to happen, I'm really sorry! We all missed you, we want you back! Please just come back, it doesn't have to be like this!"

"It does!" I disagreed with him. "It does have to be this way! You might not understand, in fact you can't understand, why. But that doesn't matter, it doesn't change things! It has to be this way whether you like it or not!"

"Just tell us why then!" Mikey ran up behind me and hugged onto me, my arms were stuck and I accidentally dropped my staff. "Just tell us what's making you upset and we can work on it together!"

"Mikey, get off." I tried to get out of his arms, I didn't give it my all since him being upset was tugging at my heartstrings. That wasn't fair at all, him truly being sad always hurt to see.

"No! I don't want to let you go only for you to run away again! I don't wanna lose you!" Mikey's eyes welled up with tears. "I'm not letting you go, we can work things out! I love you!"

"I-..." I looked down. I couldn't do this, I couldn't bring myself to hurt them. I stopped struggling against his grip and just let him hug onto me. "okay..." it wouldn't be so bad to just give up, it didn't hurt as much to stop refusing the help. They cared about me, they were there just to help me. The least I could do is work with them, they were clearly willing to do whatever it took to help me, they didn't even hurt me the entire time during the fight when they had so many chances to. I couldn't just overlook that and pretend like I didn't know what they were capable of and what they would've done to me had I been an actual enemy to them. I couldn't turn a blind eye to them caring, despite how much I wanted to.

Voice stepped out of the shadows and into view. "Donatello, what did I tell you?"