LGBTQIA- Oneshots

Not a monster

Book: Hell followed with us
Benjamin x Nicholas
Trans/Gay
Word count: 1016

The mission is relatively easy. He'll take Seraph to the church and after things are done it will be given to the Vanguard.

The only problem being Nick is every day less and less sure he can see Benji only as the Seraph he's going to turn into.

It should be easy. He only met him a week ago. There's no reason for him to feel guilty, it's for a good cause. The Vanguards are not allowed to abdomen them, they would die of starvation in days. They're necessary for their survival.

Yet the thought of betraying Benji like that makes Nick wanna throw up. Yes the boy is gonna die inevitably but shouldn't Nick fight equally for him as for all the others? Who is he to decide Benjis faith? He's not one of the angels and he swore to never be like them again.

Unsatisfied with his own plan Nick decides to take a walk, clenching his jaw, counting the beads in his mind, fidgeting with his knife instead the little lizard.

Nick walks around the courtyard, kicking little stones in-front of him, deep in his mind, when he hears an unsettling sound right around the corner. It takes him a moment to realise it's a person vomiting. Storming around the corner he almost runs right into Benji vomiting out his guts.

Unsure what to do Nick freezes standing completely still staring down at Benji. His mind rushes, his hands start sweating uncomfortably and he almost breaks down overwhelmed but when he sees Benji slumping drained on the floor he decides he needs to help. Benji might be a Seraph but right now he's just a helpless boy in pain.

Nick crouches down in front of him. 'Hey, can I touch you?' Benji doesn't answer so Nick precautionary settles for not touching him, instead he reaches into his pocket pulling out his bead lizard, handing it out to Benji.

'What?' 'It's my lizard.' Nick answers trying to make it sound comforting, unsure if he delivered it correctly. 'I know.'

Benji stares questioning up to Nick a look Nick knows all too well. Usually people look at him like this when he failed to communicate his intentions and they're trying to figure him out.

He cringes. He had thought he had gotten better at this but maybe it would always be a little bit noticeable that he's autistic. 'Look this is- I mean- I use him when-'

Oh god.

Nick starts to panic, chocking out a bunch of random words, suddenly feeling like he never learned how to talk, unable to keep his hands steady.

But somehow Benji seems to understand that Nick was offering his lizard for comfort, laying his own hand around Nicks hand with the lizard. Instantly Nick flinches away, his whole body tensing up. He has a really hard time with touch when he has a meltdown but Benji couldn't have known and in the end it was Nick who had offered his lizard in the first place. Luckily instantly Benji releases the touch putting some distance between the two boys.

'Okay, okay. No touch?' Still unable to speak Nick just frantically shakes his head, his knuckles turning white from the force with wich he holds onto the lizard.

Thirty-six yellow beads.

Fourteen blue beads.

Nick starts counting the beads again, slowly rocking back and forth.

This shouldn't happen. Not here. Not now. And absolutely not with Benji seeing him like this. Nick doesn't make a big deal out of telling people he's autistic. But he hates to show it. He's the leader. He's supposed to have it all together. No one's allowed to see him like this. But it's too late now.

'Don't clench your jaw like that. You're gonna hurt yourself.'

Taken back by the fact that that seems to be the only thing concerning Benji Nick stares at him. He doesn't call him a freak, doesn't pray for him, doesn't talk down to him. All he does his preventing him from pain.

Nick chokes out, 'It's too loud.' 'Too loud?' Benji seems surprised, they're surrounded by dead silence. Chewing on his lip Nick starts fidgeting with the beads, tears streaming down his face. Nick's past bothering trying to hide it, his mind racing overwhelmingly, his clothes starting to itch disgustingly, his hands still busy fiddling with the beads.

Unsure how to help Nick Benji starts getting anxious himself. At the community they once had an autistic person and even though Benji doesn't know how to help Nick he knows the way the church treated it is the wrong way. So he sits down behind Nick, slowly drawing closer.

'I'm going to touch you, okay?'

Nick can't bring himself to answer. On the one side he really hates to be touched on the other side he's desperate and just want's it to be over no matter how.

'Okay,' Benji sits now right behind him, Nicks back touching Benjis chest. For a second Benji is unsure of this, dysphoric thoughts entering his brain but he decides that Nick has currently bigger problems than  questioning why Benji has breasts.  Additionally Benji is pretty sure Nick does already know he's trans. So he continues. 'Please hit me or give me any sign at all if this just makes everything worse, aright?'

Nick doesn't answer again but Benji didn't expect him too. He just takes it as yes, hoping he isn't misinterpreting Nick.

Carefully he starts to put his hands over Nicks ears, blocking any potential noise.

Nick tenses unsure how to feel about the touch and Benji already regrets his decision thinking he made it worse when Nick lets himself lean against Benji, finding a certain peace in the total silence, visibly calming down.

They sit like that for minutes, no one moving, besides Nicks hands slowly running over the beads.

Maybe Benji is more than the monster, the Seraph, after all. Nick thinks to himself before falling asleep right there on the grass in Benjis arms.