Lola Wade

Chapter 4

I had spent the night in the ward with my grandma but I got very little sleep. So many things were whirring round in my mind, but the most common to pop up was the text that I had received from Tash. I felt guilty about this, as I had plenty more important things to be worrying about that would have a much bigger impact on my life. Tash would almost certainly understand why I wasn’t there and why I didn’t call. I was almost certain that when I told her she would be completely ridiculously sympathetic. That was Tash.

Much like my grandmother she was incredibly kind and would always put other people first. No matter what the cost to her would be. Others feelings and needs would be her up most priority. I wish I was more like her. I wish I could be, but people like me had to worry about ourselves. We were number one; we had much more on our plates than the average person, much more than people like Tash.

I had made up my mind, at around two in the morning, that I would text her back, but when I went to remind myself of exactly what she had messaged me, I had no idea what to reply. Only Tash could display so much hurt and emotion in one simple text. I couldn’t ever apologise to her enough.

As I put my phone back down onto the cabinet by my bed, I wishfully thought that if the situation was the other way round and it had been Tash in my situation, she would know how to fix it. Then again, she probably wouldn’t be stupid enough to forget her best friend’s birthday and on top of that, to forget to tell her that she couldn’t make it. Ah, I could have killed myself I was so stupid.

Unable to sleep and tired of trying, I decided to go for a wander around the empty hospital. I slipped on my shoes along with one of the hospital dressing gowns and swiftly left the room, closing the door carefully behind me so as not to wake any of the sleeping patients. The halls were silent, so quiet that I could have heard a pin drop from the other end of the building (wherever that was as I still had no idea of my way round!)

With no clear direction, I aimlessly wandered in the hope that I may find something of interest to do. Not that I had any chance of succeeding as this was quite possibly the most boring place that I had ever been in.

I must have spent hours walking along the hospital corridors. Walking was probably the wrong word, as I was so tired that my feet dragged and my arms hung loosely at my sides.

Several times I thought about curling up in a corner and sleeping, but every time I came to it I found that I was no longer tired. I was in a state of shock and sadness that prevented me from functioning properly. As I wandered alone in the silence, I found that the darkness was somewhat comforting. Everyone fears the unknown, yet now I feel as if that’s just what I need. I want to head somewhere without knowing where I’m going, without having to worry about who else it will effect. I wished that I truly was alone.

I could have sworn that I had passed the same corridor multiple times, but kept walking in circles anyway. I didn’t really care; I just didn’t want to be in the ward with the ever present silence closing in on me.

This only lasted so long though as on my third or fourth time round the loop, I bumped into a doctor. It was dark so I couldn’t see much of his face, but as soon as he started to speak I immediately recognised him. I looked down at the floor in an effort to reduce the risk of him recognising me.

Too late, he had flipped the light on. I briskly turned away from him and started speed walking back to my grandma’s ward, too late again.

“Someone’s in a hurry” I gave up running away and turned around slowly. Instead of looking frightened, which I was, I contorted my face into a confrontational angry grimace. Just as I had expected, the doctor looked taken aback and became slightly uneasy. He didn’t back down though.

“So you found your grandma then I hear” he sounded confident and slightly stuck up in himself. It made me cross and therefore I would continue to make him uncomfortable.

“Yeah, no thanks to you misleading me” I gave him a sarcastic smile and turned away, heading back to the ward. I knew deep down that he only wanted to help me before, and that he had meant nothing offensively, but I wasn’t going to admit that.

“You just wait a minute” he called after me, “I could be wrong, but I think that you might just owe me an apology” he seemed to be quite pleased with the way that he had phrased his retort, so I simply replied,

“Yes, I think you must be wrong” and this time successfully walked away, leaving the Doctor standing in the hallway completely gob smacked; an expression enhanced by his bandaged broken nose.

Upon returning back to the ward, I went to sit on a lone chair in the corner of the room. It seemed that the common trait in the seats was the hardness of the cushioning, but I didn’t mind as I was out the way.

When I was looking around I noticed that one of the other elderly residents of this room was staring at me. He looked sad, weirdly sad and somewhat apologetic. It wasn’t evident whether this was aimed at me or was just how his distorted and well worn face presented itself. I stared back at him, but nothing could change the expression on his face.

“Wish I had a granddaughter here” the old man in the corner spoke. He must have been eighty, possibly in his early nineties. Not only was his skin purple and mottled with protruding veins and bruises, but his teeth were yellowed and damaged by time. When he spoke the words were slurred and blended into one another, much like you would speak when drunk. Feeling pretty certain that this gentleman wasn’t a drinker (at least not anymore) I figured that it must have been to do with his age. His arms fell limply at his sides and he sat at an uncomfortable looking angle. As he spoke I could see the pain that every word was causing him and for a moment pitied him. He thought that he was missing out in the absence of family, but really he was lucky. He was free from people who he had to worry about or please, no one was there to stop him from living where he wanted; how he wanted. I’d like that. Don’t get me wrong my grandma was great, but I felt that sometimes she could be a little selfish.

“No you don’t” I replied bitterly “you don’t realise what you’ve got ‘cos you’ve never had a stupid family”. I was rude to him, but really. He should learn to appreciate the few remaining pleasures that he had in life, the most important being no family to burden you with their unwanted presence. I would hate to have people constantly visiting me if I got like him; pitying me.

“Oh, I did have a family.” He breathed heavily in between each word. Every breath was a desperate struggle for air and must have been incredibly painful. “I had everything that I could ever want,” again he paused “I had a wife, children, even a grandchild, but.” He sighed. This time that sadness was clear. It radiated from every small twitch he made, every exasperated breath.

There was no need to finish. Perhaps I was wrong; perhaps I did need somebody in my life that really cared about me.

I needed Tash.

I left the old man to sleep, as he was nodding off right in front of me, and went to get my phone from the desk beside my bed. It was dark so I turned the small pale coloured and faded lampshade on, that was beside my bed. To my surprise, I had a new message from Tash. Simultaneously, I was relieved but also anxious as to what she had to say to me. Although I was nervous, I quickly clicked the “open” button to read what she had said.

It took a few seconds to sink in. The text read:

Die Bitch