razorblade | sebastian vettel ✓

chapter 20 | the last time

Later someone would ask him if he was alright, and another person would tell him to cheer up that he just won one more championship, and that he was acting like he was at a funeral. His dad would ask in the middle of the celebrations about the girl, and Sebastian would swallow everything and tell him she was just someone he knew from the paddock, not Cassandra the person who wrote the article and a letter. He would get drunk for the victory or the heartbreak. Or both. Then he would blame himself because he should've known.

The worst of it all was that he still remembered her smiling. And would probably be like that until he managed to forget.

Someday.

—

Silverstone, 2017

«It's been a long time, and seeing the shape of your name still spells out pain. It wasn't right the way it all went down. Looks like you know that now.»

Sebastian stopped writing in his journal, he slightly raised his eyebrows at the sight of the Ferrari employee in front of him reading attentively in front of him. She was even nodding from time to time as she took the words from her book in, sometimes taking the time to mark some passages that she found interesting, or so she thought.

He was a people person, he liked to pay attention, sometimes a bit too much, so no one could blame him for feeling so amused at the level of concentration the woman in front of him was putting on her book. When she stopped reading for a moment to take a sip from her coffee or tea, or whatever, he took advantage to ask her what she was reading. Out of pure curiosity and interest.

"What do you have there?" He asked, pointing with his finger at the book in her hand.

She was startled for a second but smiled in relief when she saw the driver. Sebastian could recognise her from working with Silvia. The woman flipped the book so they could take a look at the cover of it. A minimalist red title against a white background was all he could catch.

"Oh, it's called Love Or The End Of It." Her smile grew bigger. "It's a pretty interesting read, the author narrates her view of love through the three times she lost it, and how that changed her perceptions about life and human relationships." She made it sound like a description from the internet, then continued. "It's about unknown love, paternal love, and romantic love. Really good views if you're into how life circumstances affect our feelings." Sebastian slowly nodded. "It's by this English writer," She checked the cover again, just to make sure she was getting the name right. "Cassandra Ritter. If you want to give it a try." She smiled politely.

The mention of the name felt like a cold shower, but he hoped he'd put on a decent expression to mask the real feelings that those two words brought to him. It was like someone had sucked the air out of his lungs. His lips just tugged into a smile before he expressed how he would search for the book because it sounded interesting, and the conversation died. But not the name echoing in his mind.

Cassandra. His Cassandra. Or the girl he used to know as that. Sebastian wished he could focus on how she had achieved something he knew meant the world to her, but his brain kept pulling him back to the image of the last time he saw her. It wasn't ideal, but he remembered her for what she was. So beautiful, so regretful and so cruel. He remembered champagne drying on his lips as he read her words, that he needed someone better than her, that she wasn't the one for him and that she hoped one day he could forgive her. He had.

He'd searched for her after that day in Brazil. Despite the letter and the circumstances, he went to Milton Keynes and tried to reach her again, and again, but it was like she had vanished off the face of the earth. Sebastian also tried with her friend, Abigail, but when he showed up at their flat in Milton Keynes all he got was an apologetic expression and more sorries, but nothing more. Nothing about Cassandra. All of the sadness and dejection eventually turned into resentment, and then into something else, maybe acceptance.