razorblade | sebastian vettel ✓

chapter 20 | the last time

"Where's Cassandra?" Sebastian asked again, louder this time because there was too much noise.

The woman looked at him weirdly, and he didn't know if that was good or bad. Later he would though. "Seb—"

She never got to finish of course because he was already being engulfed in another round of congratulations. He knew what that was like. The itching feeling was still there, but he smiled because he was happy. He won again. But Cassandra was nowhere to be seen. His stomach dropped at that thought. The fuzz slowly died down as everything, the twisting feeling was still there, and when Sebastian made it to his driver's room to find his phone and call her but saw Britta standing there looking at him with a weird expression, something shifted inside him.

Cassandra truly wasn't there. He felt pressure in his chest.

"Seb, someone told me to give you this." She passed him what seemed to be an envelope.

He grabbed it with shaky hands and looked down at it. To Sebastian was scribbled on one of the sides. Britta placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed in a recomforting manner before telling him that she'd be back later when he was ready. His whole body felt heavy as he slipped into his driver's room. When he sat down and opened the envelope, his heart sank.

« Dear Sebastian,

By the time you get this letter, you'll be celebrating your championship. I know you said you might win it, several times, but I'm sure you're going to be the winner. That much I know.

I also know this is strange, and I should be there, but I hope you get to understand why I'm doing this. Not only for myself but also for you. Especially for you. I have lied and hurt you, and for that all my sorries were real. The thing is, you're a good man, a lot better than I am for sure, and I don't want to risk hurting you again. You forgave me for what I did and even dared to look past my mistakes, which not a lot of people would do, but you did because you're good. I like to believe this is just because feelings blind reality. It's the only explanation I have for things.

What I'm doing here isn't easy for me, and you'll probably hate me after this, more than you ever hated me before, when the article came out or when you thought I was sleeping with Matteo, but the reason I'm doing this is that I thoughtfully believe you deserve better than me. I'm not as terrible as I used to be, part of that is thanks to you, but I'm still not in a good place. At least not to be with someone like you. Sebastian, you need more than me.

There's no guarantee that we would've lasted enough for this, but you deserve someone who wants the same things as you, and I'm not that person. What I'm trying to say here is that I don't want to lead us into something that won't have a good end. I hate to think you would feel miserable by my side one day, and the other way around. I wanted to change things for you, but I'm not sure that would ever be enough. I think you should be with someone better, with someone who isn't deathly afraid of meeting your parents, someone who isn't going to make you feel like you have to be responsible for her and her well-being. Someone who loves the way I know you're capable of loving.

Sebastian, my feelings for you are very real, but I don't think I love myself enough to be with someone like you and give the best parts of myself. I can't offer you someone who I don't even know who she is.

You have every right to hate me right now, and I hate myself for having to do this, but the overwhelming feeling was too much. I hope one day you'll forgive me, properly, for all my misgivings, because I'll forever be sorry for the pain I might have caused in your life. That's something you never deserved.

I'm sorry, Sebastian. »

The paper crumbled under his fingers. Then his fist. He wanted to scream, maybe throw up. Sebastian blinked a couple of times and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, the champagne and sweat made them burn. The calls to her number didn't go through and the messages were never delivered. It was like she had faded. Sebastian wouldn't lie, it did feel like someone was ripping something from him.