Just One More Chapter

Chapter 3

I wake up gasping, gasping for air, trying to catch my breath, enough breath to calm me down. It's okay. It's going to be okay. It always turns out okay. I hear my heart pounding trying to get the fuck out of my chest. I try to scream but I can't get the words out, all I hear are breaths, heavy breaths.

I hold the bedsheet in my hands but I can't feel it. I try to lift my body up from the bed but I can't, my body is trapped here, I can't see what it is. What is it?

I see someone heading towards me, I force my head to lift, to look who it is, but it doesn't. I see his face, smirking shamelessly like he has already not ruined my life. I feel tears after tears on my neck, I hear myself sob, I can look at myself, the whole me, like I'm watching myself on CCTV footage.

My whole body starts jerking up, shaking, clenching anything it can. Everything starts blinking but I don't feel my eyes shut even for a second. "Don't. Please." I hear myself whisper, but I want to scream. Why can't I scream? Stop. Lift your body. Breathe. You can do it. Push him. It's okay. He's not real. Breathe. Breathe. Please breathe for fuck's sake. I sob and scream in my head at myself to fucking breath, calm down. But it doesn't. I see everything slow down, like someone turning pages of a book, missing step after step of everything.

My body starts shivering but my face feels so hot, and I keep swallowing something but I don't feel anything going inside of my throat. I know it's not a heart attack because it happens so often but I wish it was. Why isn't this the end? Why can't this stop? Please. Stop.

"Stop. Please. Stop." I shut my eyes so I don't have to see him towering over me. I try to raise my hands to push him but those bed sheets aren't letting my hands go. Please. Let me go. Try harder. Air. It's here. Breathe. Come on. It's going to be okay. You'll get through this. You always do. It's okay. It's going to be fine. He's not here. You're safe. Calm down. You're fine. It'll end. Will it? I wish someone was here. No, they won't understand. Scream. You can't help yourself. You're weak and pathetic. Scream, goddammit. Why can't you scream? My eyes start burning. Stop those pathetic tears and breathe. Gasps. All I hear is gasps. It'll end. It always does. My heart hurts, it's shaking trying to get out of my chest. And it hurts, it hurts so fucking bad.

Hands. Okay, they're free. I open my eyes, there's no one. My hands still shaking roam around my body. Why can't I feel my legs? Where is all the air? I hear my thoughts like there's a loudspeaker in my room. Why is everything so loud? My head is going to burst. Am I dying? No, I wish you were. Breathe. Okay. Okay. It's going to end. Just another panic attack. It's going to be over by itself. You can't do anything. Breathe. Find air. It'll pass. Relax. Calm down.

I feel my body stop shivering but I'm sweating more than I ever did. It's okay. It'll going to end. It'll be okay. Slowly, breathe.

It's safe now.