Under Pressure

Voice of Reason?

"It's working just right finally." I sighed from relief, I didn't want to have to adjust weight anymore. Voice walked into my room.

"Now that that's done, why don't we give you something different from that mask? It must bring up some bad memories, hmm?" They had a point, the only thing that the mask had ever done for me is make me look more like them.

"What would I wear instead of the mask?" I looked a bit weird without a mask.

"We could make you your own mask, you could make it how you want it instead." They suggested.

"I just finished making this staff, I think I'm good on making stuff for a while." I sighed.

"It couldn't hurt to just draw out what you want, could it?" They handed me some paper with my head proportions drawn out on it.

"I guess not." I gave in, then started drawing something out. For one, it would cover the top of my head as well, it would be a much, much darker purple, almost black, to avoid looking like what they saw me as, and it would be made of a different material, something smoother.

"Great." Voice took the design. "And now that you've made the design, why don't you go ahead and make it? Unfinished projects always keep people up at night."

"Sure." I started working on making it, feeling like I had to. The more I disagreed, the more it felt like they were pressuring me into doing what they wanted. It was fine, they weren't doing it on purpose. They had taken me in, being grateful and listening to them was the least I could do. They didn't have to take me away from the stress of everything, but they did. They took pity on me and treated me with respect, I had to do the same for them. It was only fair that I did what they wanted me to. Working on things that I didn't want to was something I was used to, at least it was something for myself this time. Maybe it was a form of self care to make things for myself that helped me do what I wanted to in a more efficient manner? How would I even know? Splinter never taught us about self care, he never taught us about mental health. It was always about training and fighting and being good or whatever, it was never about what we wanted. Of course the others loved it, they ate it right up as any average child would. It was action, adventure, everything they wanted. I was different though, I disliked the training and I didn't want to be whatever Splinter thought I should've been. I couldn't be the perfect son like Leo, I couldn't be ready for a fight at all times like Raph, I couldn't be talented with no effort whatsoever like Mikey, and I couldn't be serious 24/7 like Splinter expected us all to be. 

I was never given an opportunity to explore any emotions whatsoever without either being teased or being scolded by Splinter, it wasn't fair at all. Even April, the most understanding person I'd met at the time, didn't really care about how I felt unless I got hurt physically or things got too bad at home with arguing, which rarely happened when she was actually paying attention to me. It didn't matter though, I was changing things and making them better for myself. I didn't need their approval, I didn't need anything from them. All I needed was to go ahead and finish what I was working on, then get my revenge so I could have closure and enjoy the rest of my life peacefully. I finished the mask after a while and tried it on, it looked relatively fine on me. It wasn't perfect, I'd never done anything too similar to it before, but it would have to do. 

"It looks perfect, Donatello!" Voice spoke up cheerfully. "Now you're ready!"

"Oh, thank you." I was a bit surprised to hear more praise. I did what Voice wanted though, so it made sense that they'd tell me I was doing a good job. They needed me to keep listening in order to guide me through this, I guessed. 

"Of course." Voice gave me a pat on the back, then took me by the hand. "Now let's go, we shouldn't delay your revenge anymore."

"Yeah, okay." I nodded and followed Voice despite not being ready to try to get revenge and not even wanting it too much at the moment. It felt like the more I spent time with them, the more pushy they got. It wasn't my favorite thing to do, follow orders and get dragged around. It wasn't as bad as being at home though, at least Voice treated me with respect and seemed to mean well. I didn't have to fear them, they just had a strange way of going about things. I had to look on the positive side of things, I couldn't let myself doubt things too much. That was how I kept myself stuck with my family for so long, that's how I made things difficult for myself for years. I couldn't just sit there and doubt everything forever. We hid in the shadows and perched in a spot slightly above where we used to visit, my brothers and I anyways, watching for when they'd appear. I wasn't even one hundred percent sure that they'd show up at all, but I had to trust that Voice knew what they were doing. Hours went by with no sign of them, we sat in silence while watching the same spot. Playing the waiting game had given me plenty of time to think. I didn't exactly want revenge at all, I just wanted to avoid them while they were being jerks. They could probably mature and change their minds about the way they were treating me, I didn't need to cause them harm to feel better about the situation. 

"I... I don't think I want revenge." I looked at Voice.

"Of course you do, you need to get closure from all of the suffering you went through because of them." Voice patted my head. Things felt wrong, it felt like I was making a mistake. "Everything's going to be okay, I think you're just doubting it because of the way they manipulated you into thinking that they cared." 

Manipulated into thinking they cared.

Manipulated into thinking they cared?

It dawned on me.

"No, you're the one that's been manipulating me into thinking you cared!" I stood up. The realization hurt, it was a difficult thing to process. It didn't just hurt mentally, it hurt physically, like a deep pit was sinking into my chest and tearing through everything in its path. I gave someone my trust, I thought that things were getting better, but they were probably using me.

"Donatello, why would I do everything I've done for you just to manipulate you?" Voice stood up with me, but I could see through their lies.

"Because you want to use me as a tool to get some petty revenge for something! I don't even know why, okay?! I just know you want to use me to hurt them, which isn't fair!" I folded my arms. Voice's body language and demeanor changed entirely, going from friendly and welcoming to aggressive and threatening. They walked up to me and grabbed me by the shoulders, gripping them tightly. They leaned forward, getting extremely close, and gave me a death glare.

"You're going to do what I say or I'm going to rip you limb from limb and deliver your corpse to them as a lovely gift of the child they never wanted or loved." They were quiet, it was scarier than if they were to yell at me. "I know where you live, I know where you go. You can't escape me, I will find you no matter where you run. No one else loves you, no one else appreciates you, so you're going to do what I say because I can make you worth something. You are a worthless, useless, pathetic excuse of matter. You do not matter right now. So make your existence worthwhile so I don't have to end it." How was I even supposed to respond to that? "Do I make myself clear?" I sighed and looked down.

"Yes, yes you do." It wasn't like I had any other choice, I couldn't just go home and tell them what was going on, they'd never believe me, and then Voice would decide that I'd betrayed them and they'd hunt me down. I didn't know how powerful they were, they were able to sneak up on me without me knowing it and without me knowing where they were. They weren't afraid to do anything it took to get rid of me either. I was the weakest out of my family and they were right about me, I was weak and pathetic. 

"Good. Now don't make me angry again."