Love isn't easy

Chapter 20: February 2031

Lisa knew two hours away was a lot. Everything she knew was in the city. Coral's grave was in the city. Her therapist was in the city. Her friends and family were in the city, but Roseanne had kept her away from the children since Lisa...since they separated. Lisa wasn't seeing them regularly anyway and she knew that the best way to make Roseanne trust her around them again was to get better. Carl and groups were her best bet at that currently. Weighing her situation and options, Lisa agreed to stay with him until she figured out something more convenient. That night she took the train back to Jisoo's, packed a bag, and returned upstate. Lisa left most of her stuff at Jisoo's only taking the essentials and headed for Carl's planning only to be there for maybe a week. At most.

That was close to two months ago.

Lisa had now set into a routine. Every morning she would check in with Roseanne via text. Lisa would let Roseanne know what her plans were for the day, she would ask about the kids, and she would remind Roseanne she loved her before wishing her a good day. Roseanne would always reply dryly. Lisa would only get the basic, most concise information about the girls and Levy. As much as the apathy hurt her, Lisa knew she had to give Roseanne time. She understood why Roseanne was upset. This was all Lisa's doing. Roseanne had been patient with her. It was Lisa's turn to wait for the ice to thaw.

Lisa's alarm blares. She doesn't know why she still sets it. It's been years since she's needed one. She's always awake by the time it goes off anyway.

Lisa doesn't sleep much. That hasn't changed. When she does it's thanks to pills and even then whatever rest she could have gotten is interrupted by nightmares. She dreams of Mattheo every night. She dreams of that cold and grey garage. She dreams of the deafening sounds. She dreams of his thick, warm blood splashing against her skin. She dreams of his face twisting, decomposing, and transforming into the most grotesque things. On some rare days when Lisa is too exhausted and she takes more than the recommended amount of sleeping pills in an attempt to give her body a much-needed break, she wakes up the next day feeling recovered and somewhat refreshed. On those infrequent mornings, for a flashing instant, Lisa thinks reality was still part of the nightmares. For a second after Lisa wakes up, she believes everything is okay, but then she moves in a certain way and something aches or her hands happen to graze over one of many bumpy scars that night left behind all across her body and the fantasy disintegrates. Lisa is yanked back to reality. Back to a world where she watched her eight-year-old son be murdered and he is now rotting on the ground. Once that happens each of those mornings becomes the worst morning of Lisa's life because for an instant she got a break from the pain but when she's forced to confront reality again it hurts infinitely as much. She gets the opportunity to feel how she did the last morning Mattheo was alive only to have it shatter anew in front of her for the thousandth time. That cycle of blissful confusion followed by heartbreaking realization repeats often for the rest of her life. At first, Lisa dreaded it, but now that she has eventually learned to deal with the disappointment, Lisa actually looks forward to those handfuls of seconds when she doesn't feel like swallowing an additional bullet.

Lisa shakes those thoughts off her head and picks up her phone to text Roseanne.

TEXT: "Good morning. I'm doing a half day with Carl today then taking the 1 PM train. The appointment is at 3:30. I should be there right around that time. Did everyone sleep okay? Please kiss them for me. I love you more than you could believe. I can't wait to see you."

Once the text is sent Lisa begrudgingly rolls off the thin mattress and starts her day.

—

Lisa steps out of the shower and into the steam-filled bathroom. She checks her phone to find Roseanne has replied.