Demolition Lovers (Frerard)

25: mmm whatcha say

"I'm so sorry." And sincerity was of the utmost evidence in her words, as she closed the door behind them, and the man at the end of the hallway swallowed, hard, and he swallowed hard in little but guilt, because he was in two minds about the situation; one where it was nothing, not his fault, and one where it was nothing but his fault.

"I'm so, so sorry." She added, finally pulling away from the artist, and leaving his heart racing in his chest as he glanced between the faces that he recognised to be of Pete and Lindsey.

"I-It's... o-okay..." And it wasn't, but Gerard had developed somewhat of a finesse for lying, and he wasn't the least bit regretful.

"It's okay to be sad." Lindsey told him, making sure he had very little opportunity to question it as she lead him into the kitchen, handing him a glass of water, and the man at the end of hallway followed them in a guilt ridden silence.

"It's my fault; I shouldn't get to be sad." Gerard shook his head firmly, sipping on the glass of water that Lindsey had practically placed into his hands for him.

"It's not your fault." Lindsey's response was instant and damn well insistent, taking a seat beside him, and leaving Pete to lean against the wall in an odd kind of apprehension that he hadn't really happened upon before.

"Then whose fault could it possibly be?" Gerard was unconvinced, to say the least, and it showed, "I was the one who pulled the trigger; I killed him, and he lay dead because of me, and Pete was there and he saw me, and Bert did too, and I... I..."

"He died on the car ride home," and Pete spoke up for the first time: all eyes on him as he did so, "and never once did he stop talking about you, and he doesn't blame you, and he's sorry, and he loves you, and that was what he was going to say before he-... before... you know, and... and... he told me about this dream he had, this stupid fucking dream, with you on a hill and you wouldn't let him across a river to see you, and it made no sense, and it was so stupid, and I... I'm sorry-"

"Fuck, this isn't your fault either, Pete, you idiot-" Lindsey protested, but Pete gestured for her to be quiet, and in the circumstances, she found herself respecting that.

"I'm sorry about Mikey, because that was; that really was..."

"What?" Gerard piped up, eyes wide and tear stained.

"I didn't shoot him or anything, but he was injured, he was bleeding out: a head injury, and I... he wasn't going to make it, and deep down, I knew that, but I wouldn't admit it to myself, and I wouldn't take him to a hospital where they could have stopped this, but I wouldn't, I couldn't because I was scared, and the authorities, and... I fucked up, but I never let go of his hand, because Mikey... fucking Mikey... I love him, you know? Like, really love him..."

And the world's longest silence and Gerard swallowed every word in his vocabulary, because nothing felt like enough, and he doubted that anything ever would, but that really wasn't something he could even fathom living with.

"What happened to Alicia?" Lindsey broke the silence, shaking a little as the question left her lips, because this was more than just friends, and this was more than simplicity would allow, because things could never be quite that easy.

"She... there was an argument.... I'm sorry... I... I... a gun... I... there... I...-"

"You shot her?" Lindsey exclaimed, getting to her feet in a mix of rage and disbelief, because fuck, she didn't want to believe this at all, and indeed, for the most part, she really couldn't.

Pete nodded his head, biting his lip, and it was the smallest gesture in the world, but still, it was far too much.

"You fucking- and what? I get no apology? No explanation? Not even a small 'let you know'? Nothing, absolutely nothing?" Lindsey shook her head in disbelief, "is that all I'm worth to you, Pete? I loved her, you know? And fuck you, and fuck, because she was, she is, beautiful, and I want to go back to that alleyway and tell her to run, and tell her to get the fuck away from you and these people, because she doesn't belong in this mess, she's nothing but a victim here, and you know it."