LOTF: Before and After

Paige Merridew

Paige never asked either parent what was wrong, nor did she even admit to having overheard the disputes. Sometimes, she'd lay in bed at night, then the quiet was suddenly interrupted by fits of shouting, followed by the slamming of a door. The sounds were usually so faint and distant on account of the size of the house, so Paige would only hear it when she was perfectly still and quiet. To drown it out, she turned onto her side and folded her pillow over her ears, holding it there tightly until she was certain it was over. Once it was, she let the pillow fall onto the mattress and the tears fall down the side of her face in silence. Sometimes, if Paige really wasn't having a good day, she'd cry until she drifted off to sleep.

As her mother's belly continued to get bigger and bigger, the fighting between her parents became more frequent and intense. Just over halfway to Paige's ninth birthday, baby Jack was born. Paige was pulled out of school by Evan's father after receiving the call that her mother was in labor. Paige was the fourth person to hold baby Jack for the first time. She was conflicted with a mix of emotion; joyous to finally have a sibling to share her world with and afraid for the other child who was born into a family that seemed perfect on the outside but was a budding domestic disaster on the inside.

Paige noticed that her mother was becoming especially distant after Jack's birth. She made less of an effort to be home with her family, and Paige was figuring out that she was choosing to let her professional life triumph over her personal life. The woman refused to admit it, but deep down Paige knew that her mother's choice to work so often was a deliberate one. Unlike her mother, Paige knew that her father only worked as much as he had to. He was around as often as he could be and did his darnest to work his schedule around Paige's important events like concerts, recitals, PTIs, and birthday parties. Her mother usually had some lame excuse as to why she couldn't attend, and seemed indifferent when her daughter would react with an evident amount of sadness and disappointment.

Not only was Paige becoming fed up with her mother on her own behalf, but a lot of her anger came from a place of defense for her little brother. It was rare when her mother was in charge of Jack's care, and when she was she usually screwed it up somehow. When she'd have to pause before remembering his name, or didn't know where his diapers were kept or how long he was supposed to nap for, the woman would look to Paige for help. With each passing day, Paige was growing increasingly frustrated with her mother's lack of knowledge, and it showed. She gave the woman attitude, snapped at her for not knowing the most basic of things that most mothers would've been able to tell you in their sleep.

"I am your mother, missy, you better learn to show some respect!" the girl's mother would often snap back at her.

"You're not a very good one!" Paige had no problem countering, "I'll learn to respect you when you learn how to take care of us!"

Paige was a smart girl, and she knew that her less than respectful attitude was well justified. She never clapped back at her mother with an accusation or rebuttal that wasn't true and valid. Paige knew that it wasn't helping her already strained relationship with her mom, but she couldn't help it. Paige wasn't the type of kid to start screaming and crying everytime her parents fought or neglected her, but she knew that she very well had the right to. Instead, she bottled it all up until she was so angry with the woman that she snapped. She usually couldn't help it, and wouldn't have been able to stop herself from bursting like a shaken bottle of soda even if she really wanted to. Which usually, she didn't. She knew that her mother wasn't doing enough, not for her, not for Jack, and not even for her father. Paige was angry not only for herself, but for the rest of her family too.

Meanwhile, Paige's parents continued to fight and lash out at one another. Even after Jack's birth, he continued to be a common issue between the two adults. They argued about his pickup and drop off at daycare, his nap schedule, whose pocket his diapers, food, and other essentials came out of, how much time he was spending with them and with the nanny, and the inconvenience he created in their suffering relationship as a whole. By this point in time, they were no longer trying to hide their deteriorating relationship from their daughter. It wasn't uncommon for the two of them to start bickering and fighting while Paige was in the room and clearly in earshot of them. When Evan would find her eyes, and see the horrified way she was staring at them, he aggressively demand that she go play or do her homework someplace else.