Torn Paper Dolls

I Wanna Sleep, But I'm Not Even Tired

TW: Breakdown, implied SI, bleeding, potentially upsetting content.
Tia's POV:

"Ellie, get off! Please get off of me! Ellie, please!" I shout. I want Ellie to get off of me. Ellie is hurting me. She's hurting me and hurting my arms. She's making them bloody. Ellie is making my arms all bloody.

I'm trying to get away from Ellie. I want her to stop. Veronica and Lawrence are trying to stop her. I want them to get her off of me. I start wailing, I want Ellie to get off of me now. She's hurting me and I want the blood to go away.

I'm tired and I'm tired of being tired. I lay flat on my bed and sob. Even once Ellie gets off of me, but I'm still sobbing. I am so fucking tired. But I can't stop sobbing. I'm sobbing as loud as I can. Ronnie comes over to me.

"Ti Ti, you're okay, it's okay, you're gonna be okay," Veronica is shushing me and trying to get me calm. I want to believe her but I keep sobbing. I'm not going to stop crying. I keep crying still. I just want to sleep but I'm not even tired.

Ronnie doesn't sound convinced. She's trying to convince me and she doesn't even sound convinced herself. Someone is screeching. Sobbing, scratchy, shaking, screaming, shouting, screeching. Why are they doing that, they're scaring me and they're scaring Ronnie. I don't like being scared and I don't like when Ronnie is scared.

I'm so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. That's not true. I'm not tired at all and my eyes are wide open. I don't like to lie. Why am I lying, I hate lying. I'm not supposed to lie. I'm not even fucking tired. I still wanna sleep.

Why do I wanna sleep if I'm not even tired, that doesn't make any fucking sense. I wanna sleep and I'm not tired and that doesn't make any sense. I hear scratchy, shaky, screechy, shouty, scream like sobs. I want the sobs to stop now, they're really hurting my ears.

How can I want sleep and not be tired, that's stupid. I don't wanna be stupid. Being stupid is bad and Veronica doesn't like bad things. I want to be good. I want to be good for Veronica and being stupid is bad, so if I'm stupid, I'm bad.

"Tia, what are you, tired of living?!" A rough and strained voice is yelling. It's Lawrence's rough and strained voice. If only they knew that I was. I feel so drained and I'm not even tired and I want to sleep even though I'm not even tired or sleepy.

I hear a feathery, worn out, crumpled voice, start arguing with the rough and strained voice. I start curling into myself. I feel almost invisible. Dark bright red stains are splattered on my blankets. That is bad. Veronica won't like that, that's really bad and Veronica doesn't like bad things.

I wanna be invisible. I can't deal with this. I want someone to save me. I want someone to save all of us. We're like torn paper dolls. I want someone to put us back together so we can all be happy again. I want to be happy again now.

Dark bright red spatters are on my arms and Ellie's hands. The big pearls of the dark bright red and still dripping down my arms. Fuck it, I'm bleeding. I'm fucking bleeding. I don't like bleeding. It's not good. Ronnie isn't going to like that, it's bad and she hates bad things.

It's all our faults. It's none of our faults. That means it's all our faults. And that means it's none of our faults. Dark bright red starts spattering again. On the rug. It clashes with the wall and the rug. I don't want it to clash. I hate when things clash.

It's clashing and I don't want it to clash. Clash, collide, something is hurting my hands. Something is breaking the skin. Needles. Pins and needles. It's not needles. There are no needles in the room. I don't like the pins and I don't like the needles either.

I want to get rid of the pins and needly feeling. I don't like it, I want to get rid of the yucky feeling. The yucky pins and needles feeling. I hate it so much. I feel so exhausted and I want to sleep but I'm not even that tired.

Something is hurting me. The pins and needles feeling is hurting me and I fucking hate that pins and needles feeling, it's yucky and makes my hands hurt. Dark bright red is back. It's on my hands this time. Dark bright red pearls are decorating my hands and I don't like it.

"Tia, stop! You're hurting yourself, please, stop!" The feathery, worn out, crumpled voice is whimpering. I hear loud footsteps run out and then they come back. They hand something to the feathery voice. The feathery voice has feathery hands. The feathery hands take mine and something is placed on mine.

I hear Velcro attach. Velcro. Gloves. Velcro gloves. Gloves with Velcro. I want the gloves off. I want them off now. I want the gloves off. I can't see the dark bright red pearls. I think they're getting larger and larger and I don't want them to get larger.

It hurts, I don't like when my hands hurt. They hurt so bad and I hate it I hate when my hands hurt and I don't want my hands to hurt because my hands hurting is bad and Veronica hates bad things and I don't want to be bad.

It hurts so much and I feel tears stream down my face. I don't want to cry, I want to be happy and I don't wanna cry and I don't want to feel sad and I hate crying so fucking much. I hate it.

I wanna sleep, but I'm not even tired.