Torn Paper Dolls

We're Not The Same

TW: Depressing writing, fainting, panic attack
Tia's POV:

I'm sitting on my bed. I don't like the color of the room. It's a sad, dull color. That's what I've become. Sad and dull. Ronnie says my eyes have gone gray. I don't want my eyes to be gray, that's not what color they're supposed to be.

Ronnie is delusional. She thinks that somehow, everything is gonna be okay. It's not gonna be okay. It stopped being okay a long, long time ago. I want to be okay again. I miss when it was okay. I miss when we were all okay. I miss it a lot.

Lawrence keeps burning themself from the inside out. I wish they would stop doing that. I wish Lawrence could be okay again. I wish I could be okay again. I wish Ronnie and Ellie could be okay again. I just want to be okay again. I want all of us to be okay.

I miss when Ellie was bubbly and fun. She isn't fun anymore. I miss bubbly Ellie. I want to be okay again. I want all of us to be okay again. I want Ellie to be happy. None of us have been happy in a long time.

They're never gonna be happy again. I don't know who's fault it is. It's all of our faults. It's none of our faults. I wish Ronnie would stop trying to convince herself that we're all okay. We're not okay. We just aren't okay anymore.

I like Ronnie. Lawrence has no time for me anymore. Ellie doesn't care about anyone or anything anymore. It's all of our faults. It's none of our faults. It's all of our faults. It's my fault. Did I do this? Is it my fault? Is it all my fault somehow?

I bet Ronnie wouldn't think so. Ronnie would do her best to put me back together. I don't think I can ever be put back together. My soul feels like rotting wood. I'm never gonna feel the way I felt before. I don't know if I ever can feel that way.

I miss when Ronnie wasn't so delusional. She keeps trying to convince us all that everything is going to be fine. I don't think everything is gonna be fine. Things aren't okay, they haven't been okay in a really long time. I want things to be okay again now.

I can't think straight. Everything is fuzzy. Why do I feel so fuzzy, I'm not supposed to feel fuzzy. I don't want to feel fuzzy. I don't know why I feel fuzzy. I don't want to feel fuzzy. I don't like the fuzzy feeling much at all. I don't like it.

I don't feel okay. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I don't like it and I feel like I'm going to pass out. Someone's knocking on the door. I look up and I try to stand up. My vision goes black almost immediately. I hear a loud thump.

——————

"You're okay, you're okay, everything is going to be okay. You're okay, you're okay, it's all okay," I hear a gentle, feathery voice talking to me. Who has a feathery voice, voices don't feel feathery, do they, it doesn't seem possible for voices to be feathery. It makes no sense.

"She fucking passed out. You think she's fucking okay?! You're more delusional than I thought." A rough, strained voice calls at the feathery, gentle voice. The voices are so different. One is gentle and feathery and one is rough and strained. I don't like how different the voices sound.

They're trying to convince me but they don't seem that convinced themselves. I like the feathery voice but I know that they're lying to me. I know they're lying because things haven't been okay in such a long time. I really want things to be okay again, I really do.

Things are never going to be okay. That's what the rough and strained voice seems to think. I want to be okay, I want everything to be okay again. I want things to go back to the way that they were when we were all okay. I miss being okay.

Red. I see red. It's a dark red, and yet somehow a bright red. Something stings. It's stinging I don't like the stinging. I want the stinging to stop. I hear someone scream. I want them to stop screaming. I want the screaming to stop and I want it to stop now.

Someone is screaming. "Stop" "what are you doing" "you're gonna get hurt" "stop it" "please, stop it!" I want the screams to stop. I don't like the screams. I want the screams to stop and I want it to stop now, I really want them to stop now.

"Ti Ti, stop it!" The feathery voice feels crumpled up and worn out. Was the feathery voice screaming or was it the strained and rough voice, I can't tell. I really can't tell. I want to know who is screaming and why they're screaming at me. I don't like it.

"Stop it. Stop it now." The rough and strained voice sounds gritty and stuffy and I really don't like it very much at all. It feels so weird and I really hate it. It's hurting my ears and I want my ears to stop hurting and I want them to stop hurting now.

My mind is all fuzzy again. I want the fuzzy feeling to go away. I fucking hate it. Normally I like fuzzy things but I don't like when my mind is fuzzy. My mind isn't supposed to feel fuzzy, but it feels fuzzy now anyways. I don't like it.

"Please, stop it, Tia!" The worn out, crumpled, feathery voice shrieks. I don't want to. I don't even know what they're talking about. They want me to stop something and I don't know what they want me to stop.

I want things to be okay again, but it's not okay.