Intersecting Lines

Chapter 2

"What are you doing here?" I almost shouted. He shouldn't be here.

"I should be asking you that." He looks very calm and he took a few weak steps towards me. What the hell is he thinking? He looks at me with disbelief and he spoke again, "do you know that this is the men's comfort room or..." he trails off and I just look at him. There's something about his voice. It's the first time I heard it and it sounds so soothing I forgot why I'm here in the first place. I gathered my thoughts together and I figured that I need to get out of here. How can I enter the men's comfort room on the night that I decided I'll die, seriously? This is unbelievable. I grabbed the side of my wheelchair and I began to wheel myself out when he suddenly called me.

"Hey." I turn my head to look at him, "you trying to kill yourself?" he asks as if it's the most normal thing to ask a stranger. I didn't answer him. Instead, I looked at him wide eyed, even if my eyes are small because of the fact that I am a half Korean. I turn the wheel around so I could face him. He raised the pill bottle in mid-air and he shakes it faintly then he threw it in my direction. Good thing it landed on my thighs. After the feeling of shock subsided, I felt infuriated by this guy. How could he do this to me?

"I'm trying to kill myself and you just got in the way." I tell him. He doesn't look shocked. He looks like I told him what my name was and it's a normal thing to do. He nods to himself and then he looks at me.

"Listen, I don't care if you want to die or if you want to kill yourself. But as a sign of respect, don't do it in a hospital. Don't do it in a place where people go to because they're struggling to prolong their lives. I'm not stopping you. I'm just saying you should do it elsewhere." I was taken aback with what he said that I don't know what to say next.

"But if you really want to die. Like right now, the women's comfort room is at the end of the corridor. You could do your business there. Don't worry, I won't stop you." He added. I can't believe him right now. This is the first time that someone reacted to me in this way. He made suicide sound like the most normal thing a person could do on a daily basis. He made death sound like his friend.

"Why do you keep staring? You should probably go out now. I have my business inside this comfort room too." He told me and I went out like he said. I can't believe that just happened. In the end, I went back to the cafeteria, had my meal and watched the program come to an end at midnight.

                It was 2 am and my mind doesn't want to put me to sleep again tonight. I want to get out of this bed. I want to die. I look at him on my left side. He's wearing his pajamas again. He didn't look the way he did when I saw him wearing casual clothes. I don't know why I feel the urge to call him. He looks like he's sleeping. I don't know, the lights are off so I can't really see if his eyes are open or not. I call him anyway.

"Hey." I quietly whisper on his direction. Luckily, he's awake. He looked at me and pointed a finger to himself asking me if it was him I was calling. I gave him a nod.

"Why?" He whispered back. Mom is not sleeping here tonight because she needs to go home and get new clothes, and prepare food and take care of dad. So I'm alone. And I could do my suicide without her around.

"Help me." I tell him. I don't know what kind of help I wanted but I told him that anyway.

"Help you commit suicide?" Maybe, I just need some help. I'm not really sure but I nod anyway. He moved from his bed and let his legs dangle at the edge of it. Then he reached for his crutches and made his way towards me. Now that his face is illuminated by my lamp shade, I can see that his hair is tousled and his face looks a little bloated. He has been sleeping and I obviously woke him up.

"Come on." He told me, I'm not sure where but I adjusted myself in my bed. He helped me up the bed and we both stagger as we try to place me on my wheelchair. After a couple of tries, we managed to do it. I wheeled myself out of the orthopedic ward and I followed him inside the elevator. We were so quiet that I hear the movement of things inside the elevator.

"Where are we going?" I had to ask. My curiosity is killing me. No pun intended.

"We're going to the rooftop. You said you needed help killing yourself so, here I am. I'm helping you." After he said this, the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened. He made his way out first then I followed right after.

"What are we doing here?" I know what we're doing here but I just needed to hear it from him.

"You're going to kill yourself here." He told me in a very simple way. This guy is seriously starting to amaze me that it literally makes me feel scared. He beckons at the edge of the rooftop as if telling me to wheel myself in there until I reach the end and fall from a building that has 12 floors. So, this is it. I start to push my way to the edge of the rooftop and when I finally reach it, I stop. The cold wind made my spine shiver and I looked back at him.

"What? I'm not going to stop you." He told me and he just stood there waiting for me to finish the show. I look at what's waiting for me at the bottom and I feel my heart race, like it would jump out of my chest anytime soon. I swallowed a lump in my throat and closed my eyes. This may be my only chance for a successful suicide. I might as well do it. I held the cold stainless rim of my wheelchair and I wanted to push it so that I could die. But, I froze. I froze right there at the edge of the rooftop. Then he spoke and I had to open my eyes. I almost forgot that he's watching me.

"Can't do it here?" He raised his voice against the cold and rough wind. I look back at him and gave him a nod. He beckons to me and he made his way to the elevator. A few moments later, the elevator arrived and we both went inside it. It made me feel warm again.

"So, still want to kill yourself?" he asked me and I nodded inattentively.

"Alright, follow me." We came to a stop at the fifth floor where the St. Patrick's Day get together was held. The hallway leading to the place we're headed to was dark so I just followed him even if I don't know where we're going. It doesn't take much time when I figured that we're actually in the hospital kitchen. He explores the place and he came back with a knife in hand.

"Here," he handed the knife to me and I hesitated for a moment but I reached for it anyway. I looked at him as if I was looking for the next step to do.

"Go on. I'm not going to stop you." He reassured me. I looked at the blade of the knife and imagined how it would feel like piercing through my body. My hands started to sweat and I began to catch my breath. I could feel that he's still looking at me.

"Is that too painful for you? I brought a bottle of pain relievers with me. You could do overdose again." He reached for the bottle inside his jacket pocket and he let it rest at the top of the stainless kitchen table. I looked at it and I look at him.

"What? You need me to leave? I'm trying to help you kill yourself." He told me. Now that I am facing numerous ways to actually commit suicide and die, I don't know what to do. The thought honestly scared me. But I reached for the pills anyway. I swallowed and I twisted the bottle open. I took a deep breath and poured a handful of pills in my hand. I looked at him again and he nodded at me. I can't believe I'm doing this with a complete stranger. I freeze again. I freeze for a long time. That's when he spoke to me.

"Coward." He said and I darted my eyes to him. I thought he was talking to someone else.

"You're a coward, a pretender and a liar. I gave you a lot of ways to kill yourself but you can't. You don't want to die. You want to live. You badly want to escape that you say you want to die but you know for yourself that you're scared at the thought of dying. I'm not stopping you from killing yourself if that's what you really want. But the way I see it, you're too scared to do that. And you don't want to do it. Think about it again. You don't know how many people is struggling to extend their days with tomorrow while you want to end yours." I can't say anything. And for the first time, I had no contradicting thoughts.

"There are two realities existing for you now. It's either I'll get the news that you died in the kitchen tonight or I'll see you lying in your bed tomorrow morning fast asleep. Either way, it's up to you." He finished his sentence and he left the kitchen at once. Then I caught myself thinking for the first time. I still don't know who he is but something inside me wanted to know him more deeply. In the end, I chose the reality that he'll wake up and see me fast asleep tomorrow morning. I think I need more time to think things through.