The door squeaked open again, the sliver of light illuminating the corner of the room my eyes were trained on. "Jojo?" The small voice squeaks "Jojo, it's been weeks."
I squeeze my eyes shut as the floorboards creak, the small child making her way towards the side of my bed that I faced. The clatter of a glass being set on the side table is followed by the creaking of the bed boards as Joan's small frame climbs beside me. "Grammas worried about you. You're scaring us." I nod slowly, the first real acknowledgment is given anyone on anyone in almost 3 weeks.
It hurt me to hurt everyone else, but my heart was crushed into a million pieces. I hadn't expected Nolan to leave me, I knew he was growing tired of me but I didn't think it was the end.
A part of me knew that I shouldn't have brought up the fact that my period was late, but part of me wanted him to inquire more, be intrigued by the thought of a family with me. Instead it had sent him over the edge. But I wasn't pregnant, my period had came earlier that day. And now I was left feeling as hopeless as mother, crying my days away.
You'll just fuck everything up here too. That nagging voice in the back of my head yells. You have no place. Not with your family, not with Nolan. But part of me knew that wasn't true. My family loved me. I don't have a mother who takes care of me or a father who acknowledged my existence but I had a grandmother who prayed for me four siblings who felt the same longing as me.
"I'm sorry, Joan." I wipe a tear that had fallen and she smiles at me with three missing teeth.
"It's okay." She grins "gramma made pancakes." I nod slowly and she smiles a satisfied grin before bouncing out of the room.
I muster all of the strength I can to push my body up from its position, my arms feeling weak from weeks of lying down.
My feet feel like bricks as I trudge toward the bathroom and take in my appearance. My hair was knotted but not nearly as badly as it could be because of the braids that somehow remained nearly intact. My bag seemed to have sunken in and turned a purple shade I hadn't seen before. No wonder he didnt want you. I quickly splash cold water on my face and dry it before slowly making my way towards the table where my grandparents and two younger siblings sat preparing to leave for school. You don't deserve this, you fuck everything up. I sigh and take a seat beside my grandma who turns to me with a smile on her face. It almost seemed genuine but the hidden concern was evident to me as she took in my features.
"Honey, you've gotten so tiny." Her wrinkly hand brushes over my cheek.
"Mother would tell me I look great." I mumble and try to fake a chuckle. It's obvious she didn't find it funny.
The food before me smelled amazing and my stomach groaned at the sight of it but I felt pathetic eating it. Can't even cook a piece of chicken, gonna need grandma to cook for you forever? I let out a breath and shove a small bite in my mouth before setting the fork down quickly.
"It's good, grandma. Thank you." I say quietly.
My grandfather was oddly quiet. There were very few times in my life where he was actually quiet. My childhood was filled with wet willies and endless teasing and nagging. At times throughout my teenage years the teasing had led me to tears which led to screaming matches with him. Only for him to apologize later on in his old man way. But it seemed now that he understood how I'd feel about his teasing.
"Joanna, I've been thinking and I think that you need to see a professional." My eyes widen at the words.
"Really, grandma?" I question. "I'm okay. I am." The lie eats away at me as it slides through my teeth.
"Okay, you can be okay. But your mother and father hurt you long before Nolan ever did." I bite the inside of my cheek as I take her words in.
I wasn't okay. I had lost fought with my best friend Daliah and had a falling out two days before Nolan had left me. I was feeling alone already, useless to the people around me. Which is why I had tried to make the dinner for Nolan, to prove to myself that I was truly useful. To prove to him that I'm a good girlfriend. But I wasn't. Out of my nearly 19 years on this earth three were spent with him, the last spent treating me like the burden I felt like.
"Grandma, I don't think that's necessary." I try to force a smile for her but it feels as thought my face forgot how to smile.
"I made you an appointment for 10:30. Please, it'll give your grandma peace of mind." Her eyes linger on me a second longer before she raises from her place and grabs the dishes off of the table, picking up on the fact that I wasn't very hungry.
"Joanna, that's so me." My other younger sibling, Alex sighs and throws their bag over their shoulder. "I hope you feel better man."
"We love you, jojo." Joan grins and waves before heading towards the door.
My grandma set her keys before me with a smile before heading towards the door as well.
-
"Joanna!" The front desk lady calls my name out and motions down the hall where the offices were. "Dr. Styles will see you now. Two doors down on the right." I nod and make my way down the hall.
I wasn't prepared to talk about every detail of my life with a stranger, I didn't want to at all. But my grandma wanted me here so I'm here. If we sit in silence for 45 minutes why would it matter to him? He gets paid either way.
I sigh deeply and push the door open, shutting it behind me. The chair facing away from me turns slowly and I'm met with a set of bright green eyes and a mop head of black hair. "Hello there," a set of perfect white teeth are flashed at me as a slight British accent hits me. "Joanna, correct?"
I nod slowly and make my way to the couch before him. It looked rather comfortable. "Dr. Styles." I greet him as I take the seat before him. He seemed to study me for a moment before sitting back in his chair, hands folded before him.
"How are you today, love?" He questions simply.
"I'm okay." I answer quietly. "How are you today?"
"Let's talk about you, Joanna." He glances down at his sheet and then back to me. "How about I ask you a few simple questions." I nod. "Favorite color?"
"Brown."
"Favorite movie?"
"Twilight." He let's out a quick chuckle.
"Favorite artist?"
"Mac miller."
"How many siblings do you have?"
"4."
"That's a big family." I nod.
"Yeah, it is."
"What's on your mind right now?" He questions and I turn to look away from his gaze. I didn't want to tell him that I was thinking about how much I felt I didn't belong.
"Nothing." I grumble out.
"I can tell that you don't want to be here." I nod again. "If you're not ready to talk, then we don't have to. But my job isn't to judge you, Joanna." I bite the inside of my cheek and fight the tears that threatened to spill over the edge again.
And I didn't want to talk, so we didn't. We sat as I stared out of the window and fought the tears that fought back. And he sat, with all of the patience in the world until the timer rang. I stood quickly, muttering a goodbye and leaving the room in a rush.
-
