Under Pressure

You Don't Belong

I couldn't just go in unprepared for a mission though, I needed materials, at least 2 backup plans, the location of the mutant, and an excuse to go out on my own. Coming up with an excuse was simple enough, just think of something that I do on a frequent basis that no one else is interested by, which was probably going to the scrapyard. The plan was to use the mutant's weaknesses against them and keep them distracted long enough to use a tranquilizer dart on them, so the backup plan would be to run up to the mutant and just use the tranquilizer dart, trying not to get hit. If that didn't work for whatever reason, the backup backup plan would be to run and try again later, probably with a stronger tranquilizer dart. Before I could even use a tranquilizer dart on the mutant, I'd need a dna sample to know what kind of tranquilizer to use in case they were resistant to one or more specific kinds of tranquilizer, plus an approximate measurement of their body mass in order to know that I'm giving them enough tranquilizer. In order to do that, I'd have to go in without a tranquilizer and continuously get close to the mutant, which would probably get me hurt quite a bit, and it would be a terrible idea to use my distraction plan at that point to avoid them knowing their own weaknesses, so I wouldn't have an easy way out of the danger. "If I can't distract the mutant with what I've already prepared, what can I do?" I asked myself. "The best idea is probably to just fight them, I guess." Raph walked in at the exact wrong time.

"You wanna go?! Let's go then! Square up!" Raph held up his fists in anticipation of a fight. Apparently, he'd heard the last sentence out of context, so now he thought I wanted to fight Leo, Mikey, and him.

"Not you, Raph, I wasn't talking about fighting you." I shook my head.

"What, think you're better than me?! That they're better than me?! I'll give you a better fight than anyone!" Raph was now under the impression that I wanted to fight Mikey and Leo. 

"I'm not trying to fight Leo and Mikey either." I sighed. "I don't want to fight Splinter, you, Mikey, Leo, or April. No one we care about."

"Who're you trying to fight then?!" Raph demanded an answer from me. 

"No one, mind your business." I started putting together a kit for me to fight the mutant, I wasn't going to let him know what I was planning because he would obviously stop me and get mad at me for "acting like I'm better than everyone" or something. 

"Donnie, I swear to God, you better tell me who you wanna fight before I add myself to the list!" Raph grabbed me by the front of my shell. "Spill it!"

"It's no one, now let me go!" I was getting tired of how often he was getting aggressive with me.

"I'm not letting you go until you tell me!" Raph yelled. 

"Someone, just someone!" I pushed him to make him let me go, which only fed his anger.

"I'll get Splinter in here, don't test me, Donnie!" Raph cracked his knuckles. 

"I'm not testing you, I'm just deciding not to tell you because I have a right to privacy!" I moved farther away from him. "If I don't want to tell you, I shouldn't have to! If I don't want to do something, within reason, I shouldn't have to! Now you either leave my lab right now or I'm leaving the lair and not coming back until you all give me a proper apology!"

"You think you're slick?!" Raph ran at me and grabbed me again. "How stupid can you be?! You barely function in the lair, what makes you think you could ever make it on your own?! I'm gonna beat the stupidity outta you so that you never try this again!" he got ready to punch me, but I blocked it. 

"I'm only barely functioning in here because no one will ever give me a break! I'm malnourished, dehydrated, burnt out, exhausted, and just overall done with everything here because of you!" I held his fist tighter to make sure he wouldn't pull it away and hit me when I was distracted. "You, Leo, Mikey, and Splinter always put so much pressure on me! It's always 'Donnie, you should be training!' 'Donnie, get back to working on this or that project!' 'Donnie, you wanna fight?!' 'Donnie, can you make this unimportant thing?', it's always about what you want! I can't ever catch a break because no one cares about me! Why am I considered the most useless member and yet I'm the one that needs to do the most?! How'm I not around people enough and yet I should stop letting myself get wrapped up in conversation and get back to work?! How'm I too shy and yet I'm mean and unappreciative?! I don't understand! Explain it to me!" I was getting desperate, I needed answers. "I've been trying for so long to understand it, just tell me! What am I doing wrong?! How can I finally be good enough for you?!" Raph didn't move, he just looked at me with a look of confusion. 

"What?" That was all he said, he just stood there, watching me, as I felt tears well up in my eyes.

"I just want to be good enough! I've been working so hard for so long, I've been doing everything I can, and it's still not enough! I tried to be mean like you guys think I should be, I tried being nice when I was thought of as too mean! I tried to be around people more and talk to people more like you said, I tried to bury myself in my work when you wanted me to! I tried to take enough breaks so I'd be efficient in battle, I tried training all the time to make myself stronger, I tried working on doing more in battle!" Tears started streaming down my face at that point. "I tried using my intelligence to make up for my supposed weakness, I tried everything I could think of! It's never good enough, I'm never good enough! Maybe I was born wrong, I don't know! Maybe I'm the brother that isn't meant to be here! Maybe the family was meant to be just you, Mikey, Leo, and Splinter! Is that it?! Do you just not want me around?! Do you want to find someone new to take my spot in the team?! Do you... hate me?" Raph didn't say anything, maybe he was just thinking of an adequate lie to keep me from feeling like that. Maybe he was taking pity on me, or maybe he just didn't care enough to even say anything. He let me go instead of holding onto me, which I appreciated. I let his fist go and took a few steps back. "That's it, isn't it? I wasn't meant to be here... I get it now."

"Hey Raph, we're gonna start the next episode without you!" Mikey called into the lab.

"Go ahead and go watch that episode." I mumbled and packed the things I knew I'd need for the mission. "I'm going to go out and do something, I'll be back to get my stuff after." I left the lab before he could say anything. How could I have been so stupid to think that I actually belonged in the family? Voice was right, they didn't appreciate me, I was doing all of that work for nothing. They never wanted me, they didn't even love me. It was a good thing I was planning to leave, staying was only going to hurt me. 

"They're so cruel, aren't they?" Voice spoke with sympathy. "You're so much more than they think of you, you were very brave to stand up to them. They never cared, it's terrible, but true."

"I know." I sighed, getting used to Voice showing up whenever they chose, and went to the closest scrapyard. "I'm going back to get my stuff, then I'm never going back again. They don't want me there? Fine."

"I have somewhere you'll be loved and appreciated." Voice offered. "Please, let me treat you well. Give it a chance, let yourself enjoy a good life."

"I..." I had to think for a while, what would the best choice be? Voice had been so nice to me, so understanding, never getting mad even when I was stubborn. I needed somewhere safe to stay, they were offering everything I'd ever wanted. "Okay, I'll go with you."

"Great." Voice sounded happy, then slowly stepped out of the shadows to reveal...

(To be continued)