LOTF: Before and After

Phase 3: Chapter 68

"He was in my squadron" Ralph answered honestly, avoiding the direct question.

"Oh" Jeffery nodded carefully. "He was one of the kids you were rescued on the island with?"

More like rescued from, he thought. "Yeah" Ralph quietly responded as he dropped his head. Perhaps, this was going to be much more uncomfortable than he prepared himself for. Jeffery sensed his son's discomfort and decided against pressing him further about Tony.

The next line up they got in was to get a seat and row assignment for the assembly hall. Ralph stood in front of his father, who was holding firmly onto the boy's shoulders, as they waited. Ralph took in the crowd around him; both nervous and curious about the number of faces he'd recognize. Some boys were in Bainbridge Military Academy's military uniform, like Tony was, and others who were not current students (siblings or former students), were dressed in formal attire like Ralph was. He continued to anxiously scan the room as people came and went. He wasn't sure exactly what he was looking for or what he was nervous about, but he couldn't shake the unsettling feeling that continued to pound on his chest and in his gut. When they finally got to the front of the line, Ralph was happily surprised to see his former English teacher sitting on the other side of the table.

"Ralph Langley?" the man Ralph knew as Mr. Bowen smiled brightly with wide eyes.

"Hey Mr. Bowen" Ralph smiled brightly in return. "How's your sixth grade English class this year?"

"Almost as rowdy as your class was" the man laughed. "You've grown so much! You were only about this tall last time I saw ya" he said as he hovered his hand out beside him to indicate his perception of the boy's former size.

"He's growing everyday it seems" Jeffery chuckled along with the man. "Jeffery Langley, Ralph's father" he added as he stuck out a hand to him.

"Leo Bowen" he shook Jeffery's hand as he introduced himself. "Your Ralph was a promising student. Determined, very focused. I expect he's keeping up with his grades at his new school."

"For the most part" Jeffery agreed with a laugh as Mr. Bowen ripped off two tickets from the roll in his hand.

"You're in Row 34, Seats J and K" Ralph's former teacher informed them as he handed them the ticket stubs. "We're happy to have you both here, though we wish it were under better circumstances."

"We wouldn't have missed it" Jeffery assured the man as he grabbed back onto Ralph's shoulder to direct him out of the line. Mr. Bowen waved them off as he called up the next family.

Ralph and his father entered the busy, loud assembly hall full of boys in uniform, parents and siblings in formal wear, and people talking of death and mourning. Ralph was beginning to feel like a zoo exhibit. It felt like everyone's eyes were on him, and he wondered how many people at the ceremony would know that he was one of the survivors of the fateful tragedy they were all here to dredge up. He followed his dad through the aisles as the man scanned the rows numbered by sheets of paper taped to the side of the first chairs in each row. When they found Row 34, Ralph followed his father down it as he studied the chairs that were labeled alphabetically with masking tape and a permanent marker.

Ralph plunked down in the chair beside his father as he felt a heavy breath escape his lips. He stared up at the dozens of rows in front of them, some chairs already occupied, others not. Then his eyes found the giant screen behind the stage, and the gut wrenching words projected onto it in cursive letters: "In Honorable Memory" and at the bottom of the screen in small, block letters "Two Year Commemoration."

Ralph felt a wave of nausea hit him as his eyes found the collection of black and white photographs between the two phrases. He scanned each one of them attentively, each a face he recognized as kids he trained with over his years at the academy. He felt tears welling inside him as his eyes moved to Simon's picture in the first row. He was in his Bainbridge Military Academy uniform in the photo, as they all were. They were the school photos that were taken just over a week before they left for the international training program. He continued to scan the small, distant photos, until his eyes found the one that was unmistakably Piggy's; his blond hair, his wide frame, his perfectly innocent, unknowing eyes behind his glass frames. A tear fell from Ralph's tired eye now as he remembered the boy's voice, his laugh, his endless pursuit to find civilization on the island, his undying loyalty to Ralph. He thought bitterly about what Tony said to him in the entrance; "sometimes people die because of the choices they made. Their own actions led to their deaths, and therefore, they're not really victims of anyone 'cept themselves."

Ralph felt an uncontrollable wave of rage pass through his body at the daring, cruelty of Tony's horrific remark. Was he trying to get under Ralph's skin? Did he really believe that Piggy's death was his own fault? Or was he simply trying to the shift blame from the animalistic tribe he was willingly part of? Ralph didn't know, and frankly, he was too angry to care. He tore his eyes away from the screen to glance over at his father, who was reading a brochure on what the ceremony would entail.

"Dad?" Ralph spoke after he wiped the tear streak off his face.

"What's up, kiddo?" Jeffery asked softly, turning his head to give his son his full attention.

"I need to use the washroom" he found himself declaring. "Is there time?"

"The ceremony doesn't start for another twenty or twenty five minutes. I'll hold your seat for ya. Will you remember which row we're in or do you want to take your ticket stub with you?" he answered.

"I'll remember" Ralph assured him as he rose from his seat. "I have a good memory."

With that, he pushed past the people who filed into the row after them in a desperate urge to escape the crowd, the pain, the horrific trueness of today. He hurried out of the assembly hall, passing the long line of people that were waiting to get their row and seat assignments beside the doors. He then, without giving it any thought, pushed through the crowd and down the hallway toward some of the dorm rooms. He pushed open the heavy door that led to nothing but a staircase that took him up to the second floor of student rooms.

Ralph's legs were shaking, his heart was beating aggressively inside him, sweat was pooling at the roots of his brown hair. He stopped in front of the room he once shared with Simon. The door was slightly ajar, and Ralph failed to consider the possibility that it would belong to other students now. But he disregarded that thought and pushed the door open anyway. He scanned the room, the beds in the same place they had been, as was the other furniture like the dressers, closets and bedside tables the academy provided. There were clothes that belonged to the room's current occupants hanging on doorknobs and in closests. The bedding on each of his and Simon's former beds also belonged to other students, and looked nothing like his or Simon's bedding they used over the years.

Ralph was only bothered by the slight differences in the room's appearance for a mere moment. All of a sudden, he found himself approaching his old bed. He ran an unsteady hand across the comforter, his face hot with agony and grief. He didn't even notice that he had several tear streaks stained on each of his cheeks, and they were still falling. One moment, he was standing on his shaky legs, and the next he was sitting down beside the bed, his back against it, his legs to his chest, his head buried in his knees, his arms covering his face. He rocked back and forth through an overwhelming wave of emotion as he sobbed and sobbed until his throat hurt and his lungs felt hoarse and dry. But none of that mattered as he continued to cry anyway; cry for Simon, for Piggy, for his squadron members who died in the plane crash, for Captain Benson, for the memories that he couldn't erase, for the flashbacks that haunted him, for his unfinished recovery, for knowing what it was like to run for his life, for his failure to properly process the deaths he witnessed, for being too traumatized to comprehend the gravity of the situation until it was over. He wondered what on earth made him think he could do this; be here at the academy, on today of all days, and listen to people he recognized from a life he left behind talk about something they didn't understand, something they weren't there for, something they would never be able to comprehend. He wondered why he thought he was strong enough to do this. From the safety, security, and comfort of his own home back in East Point, this wasn't real; at least not real enough to scare him. But now he was here, and he was downright terrified.

"Are you planning on crying through the whole ceremony or are you just getting it out of your system beforehand?"

Ralph glanced up, startled by the presence of another voice in the room. His eyes found the speaker standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame in a nonchalant manner.

"Jack? What are you doing here?"