"what's up cass?" dd swings open his house door, offering me his best attempt at a smile. it wasn't much but i couldn't blame him. i hadn't been smiling either as of late.
there was nothing to smile about. he took all of my happiness with him.
"hi dd, how you feelin?" i ask, my red brimmed eyes looking directly into his tired, emotionless ones.
"i'm doin aight, jus really focusin on my music more. you know that was his dream and i ain't gon let it die wit him. how you been though?" he asks, causing me to shrug as a shaky breath escapes my body.
"nothing feels right anymore." it was the simplest way to describe the complex emotions and thoughts filling my young mind. nothing was the same anymore. not without him here.
"nah i feel you. what's inna box?" he asks, drawing my attention to the large box i forgot i was holding and reminding me of the reason i was even here.
"it's stuff that notti left at my house. i jus came to see if you wanted any of it." i explain, causing dd to step back and pull the door open further.
i take one more deep breath, attempting to compose myself before stepping inside. i hadn't set foot in this house since the night of the funeral, which was about three weeks ago.
every night leading up to it, i'd laid in his bed and cried for hours on end. his pillows that were once bright white were now yellowing with the stains of my tears. the picture of us that was once on display on his nightstand was now face down because it hurt me too much to look at. and his room that once held his beautiful scent now smelt like complete nothingness.
the night of the funeral was no different, i had come back to his house and cried in his bed while his entire family cried downstairs. his mother told me it was okay. she said knew what young love was like and couldn't begin to imagine how it felt for me. i told her there was no way i was more hurt than she was. he's her youngest, her baby, her pride and joy. and she told me she'd never invalidate my feelings. it was just as hard on me as it was on anyone else, if not harder, she said to me.
so that night, i was crying in his bed and all of a sudden i stopped. not because i was done or because i felt better, but because i couldn't cry anymore. my eyes were dry and my throat was raw from all the sobbing. my palms were bloody from the way i was digging into them. and i had no tears left to cry. so, i did the first thing i could think of. i screamed. as loudly as i could muster, hoping to feel something. but i felt nothing.
every feeling that once existed in me, good or bad, was now gone. they died with him.
written above is a part of the first chapter of a story i've been working on. i've decided it's going to be called "letters to notti", in which every night cassidy writes a letter to her dead lover, telling him about what's going on in her life and containing one memory from their time together so that she'll never forget it. is this a story you all would be interested in me publishing? let me know in the comments.
