Jack: Both of my parents failed to show up.

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(Hopefully when Cat and Ryan have a child in the future)

Austin: So how's motherhood treating you?

Cat: Good. I didn't expect this much crying, though.

Austin: I think that's normal for young children.

Cat: I was talking about Ryan.

Ryan, sobbing from the other room: I LOVE WINTER SO MUCH.

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Interviewer: What's a personal achievement of yours?

Ryan: I have significantly more issues than Vogue.

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Jack: My life is a game but who the f*ck is winning.

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Adam, over the phone: What did you two do this time?

Ryan and Jack:

Adam: I'm not mad, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police or not.

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Jack, to Adam: You may be the first born but I'll be the first dead.

Adam: What the f*ck do you mean by that?

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Jack: I'm here for moron support. It's like moral support but stupid.

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Random guy: Your workout is my warmup.

Jack: Oh yeah?! Well, my casual drinking is your alcohol poisoning!

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(When they were younger)

Adam: Life is like Jack.

Adam: Too short.

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Ryan: Dad didn't raise a quitter!

Adam, sarcastically: Actually, dad didn't raise me at all. Which is why I'm quitting.

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(Years ago)

Jack: Adam, I have a girlfriend!

Adam, encouragingly: A girlfriend?

Jack: *Instinctive peace sign*

Adam: TWO girlfriends?!

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Jack: I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

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Ryan: Starting to think I may have issues and even perhaps problems.

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(When Jack was in middle school)

Teacher: Your brother said a bad word in class today.

Adam: I'm so sorry. I'll talk to him about it.

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⏰ Last updated: Jan 16, 2023 ⏰

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