I Wish I Knew | ZeeNuNew [Oneshot]

I Wish I Knew

Lian and Kirin have been dating for seven years. Lian is currently in Australia earning money for their marriage. He wanted to make it memorable for the both of them while Kirin is in Thailand handling his bar. 

Long-distance relationships are hard, but the amount of trust they have for each other makes their relationship strong. Though they are both busy, they are still able to update each other from time to time. 

The time zones in both counties are different, so it's hard for them to talk or communicate on time.

A month later, Kirin found out about his rare disease, which is almost impossible to cure. The only person he could tell was his twin brother, Kuea.

Kirin is tough and strong and could protect himself from any harm, but a guy like him is afraid of death. He's afraid of leaving his family and Lian.

They both know that he can't stay any longer in this world, but Kirin is still positive, hoping that he'll survive.

Indeed, he's a tough guy.

"Kuea, if I die sooner or later. Can you please take care of my club and Lian? Make him happy, please." A tear fell from his eyes. 

He didn't say it to make Kuea continue the life he had. He wanted both of them to be happy—not as a couple but at least as friends. 

"But if you can't, just sell my club and buy a house for Mom and Dad." He took a break and sobbed. The sadness he had was making it hard for him to breathe.

"Don't tell anyone about my death, not even Tee. Can I trust you with that?" He touched his brother's cheeks, who was also in tears. 

"Make yourself happy, hmm?" Kuea can't answer, so he just gives a simple nod. He hugged his brother for the last time.

Later that night, he received bad news. Expected but still can't believe that the one who has been by his side through ups and downs is already gone.

He spent weeks crying. He can't even tell anyone how bad it hurts. He stared at himself in the mirror, looking at how long his hair now is. beard has also grown. He looked the worst.

He smashed the mirror. He can't forget his brother. Knowing that they are identical makes him want to punch all the reflective mirrors he sees. He wants to think that his brother is still alive, but he just can't accept it.

"Make yourself happy, hmm?"

Kirin's words flashed in his mind. He sighs heavily before putting back the mirror and cutting his hair.

a guy like Kuea, who's focused more on business and has zero knowledge of and skills in playing the drums. Instead of being depressed, he decided to take care of everything that his brother has left to make him and his brother happy.

After a month's break, he finally opened it. Deciding that he'll change his name to Kirin and leave the life of Kuea

He knew his brother wouldn't be happy, but this is the only thing that can bring peace to his soul.

He started playing drums, solo or with his band, while handling the business.

Using his brother's phone, dressing as his brother, living at his brother's house, and even dating his brother's lover He really is Kirin now.

A year and a half later, Lian came back to Thailand. successful and rich. He greets his lover with a tight hug.

Kuea felt like he was dreaming. After admiring Lian for 15 years, he can't believe that the guy he loves is hugging him now.

Oh, to be Kirin.

"I miss you so much." He buries his face on Lian's chest. His perfume and the scent of the taxi he took mixed in his shirt.

"How are you? Let's visit Kuea tomorrow." His heart dropped after mentioning his name.

Oh...Right, I'm Kirin now. I should get used to it.

They went to his brother's grave the next day. Lian bought a bouquet of flowers, placing it on top of his real lover's grave. 

Lian smiled and held Kuea's hand. "Are you okay? Let's go home now. I'll cook your favorite dish."

He thought everything was okay—not until Lian confronted him.

"You changed a lot. What happened in two years?" He can't speak and can't even look into Lian's eyes. 

"Why do you look tense? I'm just asking, Oh, did you cheat on me?" His eyes widen as he quickly shakes his head. His brother would never cheat on him.

Day by day, the guilt he's feeling is getting worse. He is crying and blaming himself every night. He even attempts to harm himself.

ZEE's POV:

I sigh and get up from the bed. It's been weeks since I kept hearing Kirin cry. How can I even tell him? 

Knowing that he's Kuea, it's hard for me to do the things I did to Kirin. I've known it since the start. It hurts, but what Kuea did hurts the most. I know I can't replace Kirin, and I already accepted that fact.

I went to our balcony. I just can't stand hearing his pain every night.

My presence startled him. He quickly wiped away his tears. I sigh and pull him into my embrace.

"It's okay; just cry and let it all out."

We've been like that for an hour. He finally stopped. I cupped his face and wiped his tears.

"Kuea, I know what you're feeling right now. You can't hide yourself now. You can tell me everything."

You can see how much he did for his brother. He looks so different. I would even think that he's Kirin if I didn't know that he died. 

"How did you know?" He stared at the starry sky, holding back his tears. A bitter smile formed on my face. I wanted to burst into tears remembering Kirin.

"You know, his doctor is a friend of mine."

Silence...

"I'm sorry, Lian." He cried even harder. I took his hand and interlocked it with mine.

"Here's a gift." I have him a green box with a red glittered ribbon. "Merry Christmas. Open it." He let go of my hand and wiped his tears before removing the ribbon and completely opening the box.

He was surprised when he saw the diamond ring and looked at me with confusion.  

"Marrying someone is a serious thing. You're not Kirin, and you'll never be Kirin. Kirin has been my lover for 7 years. I want to marry him to prove my love for him. Now that he's gone, I have no one, but then you came. I want to marry you, not as a replacement for your brother, but as Kuea itself. You prove how much you love me and your brother. Pretending to be someone else is wrong, even if it gives people joy. You know it's wrong. I hope you won't do that again. Now that you have me, you can be yourself and stop hiding the real you. I hope this Christmas will be a merry one for you. Merry Christmas, Kuea; will you marry me?"

He cried on my shoulder while saying yes. Fireworks started showing up in the sky.

   Thank you, Kirin, for everything. I hope you find your happiness there. I'll take care of your brother and make him happy, just like you did to me. You won't be forgotten.

-END