Take My Mask, I'm Home

it's about time to come clean and go home

Her breath hitching, she turned away and her eyes fell upon the envelope leaning up against the vase.

With a shaking hand, Lisa reached out for it, her hand hesitating over the envelope with her name written on it in Jennie's neat penmanship. Lisa sat on the edge of the bed and looked at it, trying to ignore the ghosts of Jennie all around the rest of the room. The corner of the envelope was crooked, as if Jennie had nearly clenched it in her fist at some point. The thought made Lisa's heart ache sharply, like it had been stabbed suddenly; Lisa lifted a hand and pressed it against her chest as if that would help alleviate the pain.

Her hand still unsteady, Lisa picked up the letter and held it gently. As she stared at it, the fibers in the paper soaking up the ink from the fountain pen Jennie favored, Lisa felt a huge, hollow nothingness in her chest. As if it were a void that was too big and yet too small to hold everything she felt inside her.

Turning the envelope in her hands, she took a shuddering breath and straightened her shoulders. Jennie hadn't sealed it, just tucked the tip of the envelope inside the main body of it. Lisa was glad that she didn't have to tear it open; the jarring sound of it might've been too much for her to bear.

Lisa pulled out two sheets of paper and unfolded them. Without even reading the words, she could tell that Jennie had rushed this by the state of her handwriting. When had she even had time to write a letter? Had she written it last night in the dark? Had she found another moment in which to tuck herself away?

With tears blurring her eyes, Lisa steeled herself and began to read.

Darling,

I don't think that I could ever find the words to say everything I would like to tell you. This week has been the most wonderful of my life. I have never, never been so happy. And so to be leaving like this...

I owe it to you to be as honest as I can be. I don't want there to be any secrets between us. I never want to have secrets from you, Lisa. Despite how this whole thing began, we've always been honest with each other, haven't we? I can't remember any other point in my life where I've felt free enough with someone to be myself. Circumstances might have forced me to be, but had we got to know each other outside of that, I know that I still would have been the same person I've been this week... If only I'd been brave enough to say hello to you. I have many regrets in my life, but there is nothing I regret more than never being brave enough to give us the chance that we might have had to be together.

If I'd had the courage, you would never have had to lie to your family. We could have been honest from the start. As it is... we haven't been, and it's killing me. How can we ever have a relationship if you're forced to lie to your family every day about how it began, about how it developed? About what I asked you to do?

I'm so sorry, Lisa – today has been so hard, and it's my fault. This whole week that I've been here, with you, with your family, has been a gift. But the guilt has grown and grown until it's got so heavy that I can't carry the weight anymore. I know guilt. My last name has never let me forget it. Guilt eats away at you, slowly but surely. Every time Clare hugged me this week, I was reminded of how we are both lying to her. Every time Rosie smiled at me, or Hyeri included me... and if it's been bad for me, how bad must it have been for you? They're your family.

Without your family knowing the truth about us, we can't be together. I have shouldered a lot of guilt in my life, but none as great as the hurt I've caused you in the past week. It turns out that the only thing I've never been able to bear is hurting the person I loved most. And so, my heart is breaking.

I know our feelings are real, that we want to be together, and I want that more than anything, but I think that eventually, the burden of guilt that you bear will become too great. You've admitted to me how much it bothers you that you're lying to the people you love the most, and Lisa, I can't be the reason you lie to them forever. The guilt caused by doing so will eat at you over and over until one day you resent the cause of them. And the cause is me.