CREWSADERS - THE NOVELIZATION OF A GAME THAT DOESN'T EXIST

The Crystaline Beach

When it exploded, Patty was covered from head to toe in paste, cementing her to the ground.

There was a moment of silence after the explosion as Patty and James just stared at each other. She eventually spoke up:

"Oh, come on! I know you're into me but you didn't even take me to dinner first before you-!"
James stammered with sheer rage before shouting, "AS IF I'D BE CAUGHT DEAD WITH DISGRACED ROYALTY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"
"A LOT OF THINGS, BUDDY!" Patty cackled, spawning a dozen bombs that ripped her from the ground and sent her careening straight into the sea. "BUH-BYE!"

James facepalmed and sighed deeply.

"Aw, great," he groaned before clicking his tongue, "I lost her. Cranky McCrimson is not gonna be thrilled."

.

.

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https://youtu.be/9blO1zCCy8M?si=fQ1LI-vIUEMvza2S

The other side of the beach was silent and serene. Leaves rustled under the soft summer breeze and a quiet waterfall splashed in the distance as a small safe haven had formed under a chunk of pine trees that obscured the silver moon. This safe spot served as home to all kinds of plant and animal life, illuminated by fluorescent mushrooms and the rare crystal on the sand, as well as the small bonfire lit by the seven foot tall muscular man who casually cooked dinner for his small group.

///////////// Burning Brawn: KEN /////////////

He didn't really know how he had gotten there, or even where "there" was to begin with, but he didn't think too hard about it. For the time being, he was trying to adapt and look after the small child he had rescued from the sand not too long ago (or had it been? Ken had never been the best at measuring time for anything other than cooking...). He found the kid, who later introduced himself as "Cah-Bee" laying with his disproportionately large head buried in the sand, motionless. Fortunately, a little blob-alien-plant-creature-thingy he called "Sco-wee" had signaled for Ken's help before anything bad happened.

///////////// Sailors of the Stars: CAPI AND SCROLLI /////////////

Neither could truly speak (Scrolli could only sniff like a dog with his massive nose while Capi could only babble like a baby), letting Ken monologue to his heart's content as he set up the picnic. As he cooked, Capi and Scrolli would go out searching together for whatever ingredient the man needed.

This time they came back with an unconscious young woman.

"Huh? All I asked for was a couple more coconuts-" Ken was taken aback, but was quick to grab her once the two small ones were preparing to chuck her back into the sea. "NO DON'T-"

The young woman was drenched in salty water from head to toe, vibrant blonde hair dragging on the sand as water poured from her metallic armor that, realistically, didn't cover that many vital areas. He did find her cape cool, though. She laid motionless by the bonfire as Ken looked over her. Capi tilted his head in confusion, staring at the body as Scrolli poked it in confusion.

"She'll be fine," Ken concluded after a brief examination, answering a question Capi had only asked with a 'Bah?'. "I'm no doctor, but she's breathing. She probably just needs to get warmed up. The water's freezing." He turned back to Capi and Scrolli, "could you two get some more ingredients? I wasn't really planning on cooking for four.."

The little boy nodded and ran off with Scrolli jetpacking close behind. As Ken cooked, the smell of the meal overtook the whole camping ground. In seconds, the girl jolted awake.

"Where the hell..?" she groaned.
"Heya!" Ken greeted with a warm smile as he cooked.
"Who are you?" She said as she tried to get up, but her legs were entirely numb, not letting her move an inch. "...fuck."
"I'm Ken, nice to meet ya. What's your name?"
"Wouldn't you like to know, beefcake?"
"W.. what?"

Ken stared at her blankly, confused as to why the girl drooled at him. Who introduces themselves like that?

"Oh, before I forget," He tossed an empty coconut shell filled with berries and sauce, trying to divert her attention. "Eat as much as you want, the others are bringing more."
"Yeah yeah, this looks pretty nice, but I think I'd rather snack on your juicy self," she smirked at him, crawling up a rock to seat herself.
Ken raised his brow and opened his mouth slightly, struggling to find words, "well... you know cannibalism's pretty frowned upon, right?"
"Well yeah, but I'd ignore that for a full course meal like you any day of the week," she winked.

Somehow, despite having washed up on a coast, her face seemed like that of a model's, with flawless shining skin, untangled golden hair, and glowing glassy eyes without a single bag under them.
She used her hands to cross her numb legs on top of the rock, and kept dramatically fluttering her eyelashes.

"I'm...not on the menu? I gave you something to eat and it's a little bland from what I usually-"
The girl buried her head in her hands and groaned loudly, "God, you're dense.."
"Wait, was that not what you meant?"
"Of course not! I'm saying you're hot, dummass!"

That's when it finally clicked for Ken, he struggled to not make any gesture showing he caught on. He was already taken, happier than ever, but he had no idea how the situation would escalate if he let that slip. "Continue to play dumb" it is, he figured.
"Well, yeah! I have all kinds of fire powers," he grinned. "Check this out!"
Ken flicked his wrist and a fireball was hurled into the horizon, speeding through the sky like a comet.
"Gah, you're too dumb to hit on!" the girl whined. "Ugh, do you know how hard it is to piss off those snobby assholes without using sex as a scapegoat!?"
Good, a way out. Ken tilted his head in confusion. "Snobby assholes?"
"The morons that keep playing tricks on me? Duh! Did you really think all you see on television is real? They probably want me to give up hope and conform already." she then raised both her middle fingers to the sky and shouted, "WHICH IS NOT HAPPENING, BY THE WAY! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WILL WATCH ME DIE BEFORE I OBEY ANY OF YOUR SHITTY RULES!"
An awkward moment of silence passed as Patty's voice echoed across the sky.
"Your...food is getting cold." Ken said timidly.
The girl rolled her eyes, "Fine, I'll eat this trash."

She took one bite from the mix and instantly devoured the whole thing afterwards.
Ken smiled proudly, "Pretty great, huh?"
Her eyes widened as she drooled over the now-empty shell that served as a makeshift plate. "Are you kidding!? This shit's amazing! Gimme more!"
"Comin' up!" Ken beamed, flipping all the food he could get his hands on.
In seconds, all of his hard work had been devoured, and Ken couldn't have been happier.
"Man," she burped. "For such shitty management, they sure got some good cooks in here. Is your food always this good in the palace?"
"Palace?"
"The Regalon Palace? You know, home of the guys that put you here? Your boss?"
Ken was lost once again, "No clue what you mean, you're thinking of a different guy."
"Huh, maybe you're not from there after all..."
"But why would they put you in a place like this?" Ken pondered, "Are you some kind of jester or somethin'?"
"More like a slave," the girl mumbled to herself, then facing back at Ken. "I'm Patty, by the way."
"Ken." He gleefully shook her hand. It was nearly double the size of hers.
"Yeah you, uh, said that before already," she chuckled.
"Ah, right." Ken broke eye contact out of embarrassment.
"Look, I get you're not working for the royal family and all, but do you have any idea of where we are?"
He shook his head. "Nope. I've just been tryna adapt for the last while."
"Worth a shot," Patty said, curling her legs to her chin, only to realize they weren't numb anymore. "Ay, looks like your food thingies fixed me right up!"
Ken beamed, "I take pride in my culinary skills, my nana taught me wel-"

Explosion.

https://youtu.be/S94YTlSzF8k?si=Nsdla1OL77j4uGnx

"Uh oh," Ken said, alarmed.
"Welp," Patty said as she got up, oddly calm. "Looks like the troops finally found my ass..."
"Troops?" Ken's face grew grim with concern. "Oh no...I sent a kid and his little blob buddy to get supplies! If they meet an army they'll be left defenseless. We gotta make sure they're alright!"
"Alright," Patty cracked her knuckles before spawning a replica of her sword back in her hand, "But only if you promise to make me more of that delicious stuff!"
"Hah! I like the way you think!" Ken chuckled, fire sparking in his throat. "You got yourself a deal then!"
After setting themselves in position, the two of them stormed off, as a flurry of purple and orange blasted through the eternal night.

Let the rescue begin!