CREWSADERS - THE NOVELIZATION OF A GAME THAT DOESN'T EXIST

The Crystaline Beach

https://youtu.be/u9-IIicfdng?si=3MFemPYXiSU_O6KV

Patty ducked as the rocket blasted over her head, landing behind her in an explosion of fireworks. She rushed at James, zigzagging across the sands to dodge as much as she could before slashing her sword and hitting another bomb. It covered her face in pink before a rocket hit her from behind. She was sent flying, but all it took was a snap of her fingers for bombs to spawn behind her and blast Patty right back at James. He dodged her slashing dive with ease, cackling to himself before a bomb spawned right in front of his face, knocking him into the air.

"Man.." Patty chuckled as she wiped paint away from her face. "I haven't felt like this in AGES!!" She pointed at James, grinning. "Alright, glowsticks, BRING IT ON!"

James didn't even land, instead hovering using the rocket strapped to his back. "I'm glad you're enjoying your last dance, princess!"

James then dove towards Patty, who dodged the attack and hurled her sword at him. He kept attempting to divebomb at her until she grabbed onto him and clung onto his back.

"AY, GET OFF! NO FREE FLIGHTS!"
"THEN DON'T CALL ME PRINCESS!" Patty tugged at his hair, changing the trajectory of the flight. They were zig-zagging everywhere.
"Why, is that not what you are?" he grinned, trying to shake her off.
"For all you know I'm just four squirrels in a skinsuit, so SHUT UP!"
James jeered, "I don't think that's the case, princes- AUGH!"

The two of them crashed into the ground with a small explosion, sending them to roll away from each other.

"So?" Patty grinned at James, "Had eno- HOW ARE YOU NOT INJURED IN THE SLIGHTEST!?"
"I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME THING, ACTUALLY!"

Surely enough, despite all of the rough tactics, both of them were almost completely unscathed.

"I'M A GENETICALLY OPTIMIZED CLONE MADE TO LAST CENTURIES, WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE!?"
"WELL, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW- AUGH!
Patty had struck James with the blunt side of her sword, burying him into the ground. "Alright, spit it out before I start harvesting your guts."
"I don't know what you want me to say, can't read minds you know!" he laughed from the sand.
"I know you work with paint or whatever, but let me tell you that I can fuck shit up more than you could ever hope," Patty plucked him from the sand and threw him at a wall of stone, grinning. "How do you know that I'm a princess?"
James smirked, "Gee, I don't know, maybe it's the crown you were wea- OUGH!
"Wrong! I got rid of that piece of scrap metal as soon as I woke up," Patty said, hitting him once more.
"You're still wearing your dress though- AGH!"
She hit him once more. "This is pretty much just armor, try again buddy."
James scoffed, "That's clearly regal attire! And I gotta say that purple really isn't your color- AGH!"
She hit the young man a third time before attempting to throw him off the cliff by the leg. "As if some dripless virgin like you knows anything about fashion!"

James tumbled off, but quickly grabbed onto the ledge and hoisted himself back up, rolling forwards and stood face to face with Patty.

"Ay!" James pulled out a can of spray paint and shot Patty's face, sending her stumbling backwards. "This jacket was custom-made! It's miles better than whatever dollhouse clothes you were given by servants before ya chose to live in that tin can! No way you can even BEGIN to come at me!" James kicked the young woman away and swapped over to a more singsong tone of, "My creative visions are so misunderstood, the tragedy!"
Patty was fed up, dashing back at James. "I do what I want, dipshit!"
"Well, whaddya know?" He dodged out of the way, rocketing high into the air. "I guess we have some common ground after all.. Too bad I want you to buzz off!" James threw a bomb at the air over her, but as she jumped to slash it away it started increasing in size, growing to the point where it was larger than the ground under her. "Good luck cleaning that off!" he teased.