LOTF: Before and After

Phase 3: Chapter 47

Jack watched, wide-eyed as Ralph's indignation subsided into simple grief. The previously angered, hot-blooded boy in front of him was replaced by one full of sadness and misunderstanding. Jack stared up at Ralph from where he laid on the floor beneath him as the brunette stared to cry intensely. Ralph strongly and abruptly pulled his wrists free from Jack's grasp and shamefully covered his face with his hands; a shield between his vulnerability and the boy who'd caused it.

Jack pushed himself up on his elbows, and then his hands so he was sitting upright. Ralph still sat on Jack's lower stomach, his legs hung over either side of the blond. Jack brought himself up further so he was inches in front of Ralph now, chest to chest and face to face. Jack didn't attempt to get Ralph to uncover his eyes, but instead pulled him into his arms. Ralph allowed Jack to guide his head down into the crevice of his neck and shoulder. Ralph still held his hands over his face as he settled in the crook of Jack's neck, shaking violently as he sobbed. Jack gently rubbed his back for comfort, resting his own head against the side of Ralph's.

Jack's train of thought started to come back to him now, his first moment to think in the last several minutes. He wondered if Ralph's parents knew he was here, or if the boy told them he was leaving at all. Ralph's parents weren't like his, they would be wondering where he was, worried, panicked. Jack considered this as he held Ralph, the younger boy's cries background noise to his thoughts.

Jack finally began to process the fact that Ralph really was here in his house, in his arms. He hadn't realized how much he missed him, how ingenuine his life had become without him. Jack felt tears silently welling in his own eyes as memories of him and Ralph paced through his mind like pictures in a scrapbook. He had promised himself that he would forget; that he'd never let himself dwell on what he'd given up for a good reason. But seeing Ralph, feeling him here in his embrace, was making that a relatively impossible promise to keep.

Jack let the tears fall down his face as he pressed Ralph's body firmly against his own, cursing himself for being the reason Ralph was in turmoil. Maybe the reason he broke things off with Ralph wasn't such a good one after all.

Jack felt Ralph start to slowly calm beneath him. The younger boy had brought his hands down from his face and wrapped them around Jack's bare back a little bit ago now. It had taken a mere ten to twelve minutes of them sitting there like that for Ralph to begin to wind down. But he was now finally relaxed, still and quiet, as he let Jack hold him in the heavy silence.

After a short moment or two, Jack pulled back a little, gently prying Ralph's head from his neck, forcing the younger boy to look him in the eye. Jack used the back of his palm to wipe away some of the damp streaks off Ralph's face. Jack said nothing simply because he didn't know what to say.

"How could you?" Ralph repeated much gentler this time, his voice hoarse and scratchy from crying.

Still, Jack didn't know what to say. So he settled for the truth. "I thought I was protecting you."

Ralph scoffed in disbelief, but still a perfect picture of emotional distress. "You were protecting yourself" the brunette countered in a raspy voice.

"I wasn't" Jack challenged confidently. "At least, that isn't what I was trying to do" he argued firmly.

"You're lying" Ralph accused him, the hurt coming through in his tone a little again.

"I'm not, I swear it" Jack desperately tried to convince the other.

"You were protecting me from what then? From being happy?" Ralph's volume increased a little as did his anger.

"No, I was protecting you from me" Jack corrected him. "I didn't think I was good for you. Being with me put you at risk; put you in scary and dangerous situations. I couldn't keep doing that to you, Ralph! You worried about me all the time and your parents worried about you when you were here, I know they did. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair of me to put you through that. My dad beat me when you were in the other room, he threw that drawer at me while you were upstairs, then my mother showed up here. I saw you, Ralph, I saw how scared you were. And it only would've gotten worse. What if my dad hit me in front of you? Or accidentally hurt you while he was trying to get at me? What if you tried to defend me and got hurt anyway? What if my mom came back and Paige wasn't here? All these things happened and could again... I didn't want to risk something happening to you. You've bore witness to more abuse here with me than you have in the rest of your life. I didn't want to be the reason you started to see that the world is an ugly place. I wanted you to stay this wonderful, positive person who sees the good in everyone and believes in things like unconditional love and rescue. I couldn't be with you knowing that I was taking all that away from you."