Letters From The Commander

Chapter 1: Nightmares and Daydreams

Clarke's Pov

I'm going over the plan yet again in my head. I know I can't possibly learn any more or discover another outcome, but here I am, leaning over the map spread across the table. Lexa's standing by my side, like always, as we bounce scenarios off of one another. There are about a million things that can go wrong and we know every single one of them. So us standing here going over them again isn't going to help anyone. I know this, but when Lexa points it out I ignore her.

"Clarke..." I look over at Lexa whose voice is soft, yet still commanding. I've started to notice how she has a different attitude around me, she's much gentler, and nicer to me than most. "You should get some rest, you're going to need your sleep when we march on Mount Weather." She brings up a good point, but I know she won't get any sleep either. She'll stay up strategizing all night.

"Fine, but you have to get some sleep too," I say and she nods before gesturing to her bed. We're going... sleep... together? Ummmm, she lays down facing upward and I lie on my back next to her. Well, this is awkward. I roll onto my side and mumble "I'll just close my eyes for five minutes." Lexa chuckles at my sleepy remark, yawning. She must be just as tired as I am. Probably more so, I doubt she sleeps well as the commander. Hell, not a day has gone by since I've come down to the ground that I don't have nightmares. Lexa turns onto her side, hesitantly setting her hand on my waist.

"Do you mind?" My heart flutters at her touch. Damn it!

"Of course not." I've been catching feelings for you since we were chased by a giant bloodthirsty gorilla, of course, I don't mind. If only there were words to describe that... this feeling, I've never felt like this before. Not for anyone, not even Finn. I can feel the warmth of Lexa nestling into my back. Her face pressed against my shoulders as my heavy eyelids shut. I should tell her how I feel about her, the butterflies in my stomach every time we touch. How just her looking at me makes my heart stop. How I look at her every time she isn't paying attention...

More importantly how I've caught her looking at me. I try not to let myself think about how she might have feelings for me too. I didn't believe it at first, I didn't want to get my hopes up, but after catching her eyeing my lips the other night. Maybe... just maybe she feels the same way about me that I feel about her. I slowly drift off to sleep in the safety and comfort of Lexa's arms.

My eyes flicker open, there's some light in the tent, I'm guessing that the sun is just now starting to come up. Wow, I slept... really well. I slept through the whole night, I didn't have any nightmares... because I was with Lexa. I felt safe for once, just being here with her... I can feel Lexa's breathing against me, it's slow, and even. She must still be asleep, I don't move, not wanting to wake her. Her hand hasn't moved, but somehow the furs are over us. Strange...

I guess it's also strange how safe I feel with the commander of the 12 clans, she could've been my greatest enemy, but somewhere along the line, we realized that we weren't all that different. In fact, we really aren't different at all. I guess we have grown pretty close, well really close. Lexa is surprisingly comfortable around me, she's ok with being herself. Not Heda, just Lexa, she's partially stopped trying to hide her emotions around me. She's ok with being... well she would say vulnerable, I would call it human. I know that she's spent most of her life hiding from her emotions and that she hates how I can already read her, but I can. I keep thinking that maybe she isn't comfortable with me, or doesn't really trust me... but well she's willing to sleep next to me. I imagine that's a pretty big deal for her, she has to trust me in order to let her guard down around me.

I'm going to make sure that she knows how much I appreciate this. Her trusting me and making sure I actually got some sleep last night. I think back to when we were running from the Puna, how Lexa let me sleep. Not only did she watch over me while I slept and kept me safe, but she reassured me that I was safe when I woke up from my nightmare. I sink back further into Lexa's warmth and continue thinking. She told me that she cares about me... did she mean romantically?

I try not to move as I continue thinking, knowing that Lexa is a light sleeper. Maybe she does have feelings for me, I smile at the thought. I don't want to get my hopes up, but crazier things have happened. I can feel Lexa starts to stir behind me. When she realizes I'm awake she smiles into my back. I can feel her smile against me, I love it when she smiles, it's always so genuine. She slowly sits up, clearly not sure what to do, due to the awkward nature of us cuddling. I wine at the feeling of the cold air against my back as Lexa's warmth leaves my side.

Though maybe I'm just upset that Lexa moved, not that her body heat left me. The mornings have been getting cooler, winter is definitely on its way. Lexa laughs at my reaction, she tries, and fails to hide it. Gods... I've never heard her laugh before. She's so beautiful, I'd give almost anything to hear that again. I smile at her as I move the furs and hold open my arms, gesturing for her to come lay with me. She gives me an awkward smile and does so. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close. She rests her head on my chest and pulls the furs over us, burrowing into me.

I hold her tight, snuggling with her, she drapes her arm over my stomach, I smile down at her, and hum happily. My heart is racing, with the warmth of Lexa against my chest. I'm very content laying here with Lexa, just being able to hold her close. Lexa tangles our legs together and I forget to breathe for a moment. Lexa definitely notices my uneasiness and starts to untangle our legs, but I stop her, pulling her impossibly closer. We sit here in silence, I want to ask her about her feelings, or at least admit mine, but now is hardly the time. Actually now would be the perfect time, I just don't want to break the silence. Though Lexa's yawn does.

I chuckle, that was absolutely adorable. Lexa tries to hide her face in my shoulder, but I can practically feel her blushing. My shirt has shifted so that it's over my shoulder, so Lexa's face was burrowed into my bare skin. My heart starts going even faster, I really do have feelings for her, shit! Lexa's running her other hand through my hair, I actually find it rather relaxing. I know we have to get up soon, the sun is already in the sky. We lay here in silence, just taking in the other's presence and warmth in the cold of the morning.

I can hear the sound of two people bickering approaching the tent. "Clarke, did you stay up all night strategizing again? I swear to the gods..." I recognize the voice immediately and Octavia ducks into the tent. Indra walks in right behind her. Float me... this is going to be hard to explain. Octavia's eyebrows shoot up and she takes a long look at us. "Why does this not surprise me?" She remarks sarcastically, while she crosses her arms and smiles at me slightly. For a minute I was worried she'd be angry at me, but her suggestively raising her eyebrows shows she's teasing me.

"I told you they were sleeping," Indra says rather point-blank. Lexa sits up rather unhappy as she un-entwines our legs. She slips out of the furs and I groan dramatically, throwing the furs off of me. Octavia laughs at my reaction and Lexa walks past her over to the table. I walk over and stand beside her. I cross my arms, looking down at the map as Lexa sets her hands on the table, leaning over it. Octavia and Indra walk and stand on the other side of the table across from us. We begin to go over the plan, yet again.

After Indra and Octavia leave, as Octavia leaves she gives me a wink. I grin and roll my eyes at her. She's such a child sometimes. I turn to face Lexa, who is still staring at the map. No doubt strategizing in her head once again. I walk over and stand next to her, unsure of how to start this talk. "So you decided Octavia wasn't a threat?" I ask, she doesn't look up from the map.

"She has nothing to fear from me." She says softly, looking up at me briefly. I give her a slight smile. "I do trust you, Clarke." She adds, this time pulling her attention completely away from the map. She gives me her full attention, standing right in front of me. I love how she emphasizes the k of my name.

"I know how hard that is for you," I say gently, she seems to understand I'm trying to be rather passive here because she matches my tone.

"You think our ways are harsh, but it's how we survive." She says gently.

"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving." I look away, breaking eye contact before adding. "Don't we deserve better than that?" I emphasize the we, rather unintentionally.

"Maybe we do." I barely even look back at Lexa, seeing that her eyes are focused on my lips, when she steps forward, putting her hand on the back of my neck, and kisses me.