paradox | mischa bachinski x female reader

one step forward, three steps back

     "jeez, what was all that about?" she asked, giving you a nudge and a half-hearted side eye. you groaned and said you woke up late.  she shrugged as the two of you got into her compact car. the drive to school was concise and filled with small chatter. you didn't bother telling her what happened over your weekend, as you knew how she felt about the boy. you grabbed your bag and flung it over one shoulder, with your lunchbox in the other hand.

     you got to your first period and slumped into your chair. there was still ten minutes before the first bell actually rang, so you pulled out your notebook and pencil, intending to do some work, but instead just tapping your pencil on the desk and looking out the door, into the hallway. that's when mischa walked by, no bag on him, just a book he held with one arm, the other being stuffed into his pocket. your face scrunched up, remembering that you were going to have to talk to him at some point today. 

...

     soon enough, it got to that point. lunch. you sat down across from him hesitantly. he didn't look up. his headphones were on and you could hear the music blasting from them from where you were sitting. he was picking at his food, taking bites every few moments.

     "mischa?" you asked, waving your hand in front of his face. he ignored you. "mischa!" you said, louder. he looked up at you, taking his headphones off and sitting up straight. he was off today. his eyes were cold and distant when looking at you. you freaked out inside, thinking you did something wrong. you shook the feeling off, you hadn't done anything. you were sure of it. whatever it was that he was feeling, or hiding from you for all you knew, you would get it out of him.

     "what's up with you?" you questioned him, putting your stuff down next to you and placing your hands on the table.

     "it's nothing." he said, shrugging. you scoffed, as he was obviously lying to you.

     "do you wanna talk about what happened friday night?" you asked, trying to get any sort of reaction or information from him. you were on the verge of breaking down. your eyes were already beginning to water and it felt like your throat was closing up. you could only expect the worst but you really hoped that it wasn't true.

     "nothing happened on friday. i do not know what you are talking about." he deadpanned. 

     "what the fuck do you mean noth-" you started, almost snapping. he cut you off, looking down.

     "i am engaged, y/n." he stated, no sarcasm or emotion evident in his voice. not even shame or guilt. you hated when you were right. you sat there in shock, jaw slacked. you shut your mouth, teeth grinding against each other. that was your breaking point. you couldn't think at all, of anything, your brain wasn't functioning at the moment. all you could do was grab your stuff and leave, silently sobbing, as he sat there in silence, putting his headphones back on and not looking at you at all. if friday was the supposed beginning of your new life, it was definitely short lived, as this was surely the end of it.

     once you got out of the cafeteria, you sprinted to the restroom in the library. it was one stall, so you didn't have to worry about anyone walking in. you furiously locked the door and fell to the ground, with your knees up to your chest. you didn't keep track of how long you were in there, but eventually you cooled down and the tears stopped for just a moment. you knew you couldn't hold them off for long, though. you took deep breaths, trying to prevent yourself from sobbing anymore. at last, your brain was able to think again. you didn't even cry at first because of what he told you, you hadn't even processed it at that point. you had cried because of the confrontation. you despised it completely. but now you could finally process his words, and you were about to cry once again. you thought back to your conversations with him. he had never indicated that he was taken ever. who was he engaged to, anyway? how could he ever do that to you? to his fiance? did this make you the other woman? 

     no. no, you weren't the other woman! you had only kissed him once. it didn't matter if you liked him before that or not. it was just one kiss. you tried to shake off your feeling of betrayal. a month. you had known him for a month. you weren't close. how much did you even really know about him? barely anything, apparently. you could get over this, right? wrong once again. you were far too sensitive to get over something like this. what were you supposed to do with all the love you had to give? the only solution you had was to hide it, cover it all up. nobody deserved it enough. you couldn't put your heart out there for people to just go and break it. all these thoughts were rushing through your brain, it gave you a headache. the crying wasn't helping either. your head was throbbing. you couldn't breathe very well. it was as if your lungs seized up. you didn't know how to calm yourself down, it was like you were having some sort of a manic episode.

     you were completely obsessed with this boy and it killed you on the inside. you thought you were getting somewhere with him, but apparently not. with each breath you could take, you pushed your feelings down. just pretend nothing happened. go on with your day. you didn't need him in you life. you could ignore him, ignore all of your feelings. it was just a silly little kiss, a silly little month together. you could get through this. it didn't mean anything, right?

     ...right?

...

(a/n: i was gonna post this on wednesday but i'm gonna try and make up for all my lost time. i kinda don't like this one so i might rewrite it at some point. ALSO.. the next chapter might take a while because i have to think about where i'm going with this LMAO. xoxo)