First of all i'm so frustrated because every fucking time i start to move on he always shows up in some way?? WHY? Just why, i'm so tired of this why can't he just stay away. I can't even delete the pictures kasi di ko pa tlga kaya. I just try to distract myself because when im distracted i cant think of anything else. Everytime someone mentions ilocos, YLIA, ghibli movies, and etc I think of him and it's just so annoying. Why is he not affected by any of this, i'm starting to question if he loved me at all. Nakakainis na tlga I just wish I could erase all my memory and start over. I was so stupid to think he actually loved me, maybe at some point he did but it was only the matter of time before he moved on. We both know andaming may gusto sa kanya so why can't he leave me the fuck alone and go with his girls. Di naman kami friends, definitely not lovers so why? Yes maybe he's just trying to be kind pero don't, he said it himself. He doesn't know how to be kind at all. Bakit pa ba kasi nagmamahal ang tao? Bakit ang unfair. I thought I would always be the one hurting him but I guess the tables have turned no'? Bakit ako pa, did I deserve this? How can he act fine with all of this, nasaktan ba sya? When he looked everywhere did he think of me? Think of the little things like my favorite flowers or my love of reading. I guess ganon tlga i'll just be one of the people who help shape him for who he is now. I don't even know if i made an impression on him. I don't know anymore. Was everything a lie? Was everything mean nothing to him? Do i mean something to him? I wish I could just sleep this through but even in my dreams he shows up. When I look at the sky I remember him. I remember him every time I see a tulip, every time I look at my ring and remember the time we watched a movie and stayed up late. Does he remember me? How could he stay unfazed by all of this, I know i'm not his first love and he warned me about himself but I risked it. Did he keep going back to me because he knew I would "accept" him again. Maybe he kept coming back because he's comfortable with me and he knows me already. A lot of maybe's and what ifs that will never be answered. I know maybe if I just let go completely I will be fine pero no I can't, for some reason I can't block him or delete the pictures because that's the only proof or evidence that it was all real. If I delete everything I would only have a memory, a memory I would most likely forget. And deleting things would mean it's done and everything involving him ended and it has just vanished. Yes maybe i still have this little piece of hope but i guess I do think it's definitely over. There's this little phrase we used to say to each other when we were down "Everything will be fine" i keep on saying it to myself because it became a habit. But it makes things worse because after that I remember him. I look up at the moon and think are we looking at it at the same time? I mean we are so close yet so far.
