Overkill // Joseph Quinn

19- you lose

"I got to go." I speak quickly and get out of my seat quicker. I don't even bother grabbing the jewelry box I was so obsessed with before, it means nothing to me right now.

I rush out of the doors and look both ways with no sight of Joseph. I just want to scream and bang my fists against the glass behind me. All this frustration has me thinking how he feels 10x worse, which makes me only hurt more. I decide to pace and think about my next move. I have no idea where he's staying here in L.A, I don't even know who he's staying with. All I know is that I have officially fucked up the last ounce of happiness I had in my life. There's no possible way now that I can face everyone on set in Atlanta. Jamie is probably the only one who would talk to me normally, that's if Jo hasn't already told him how I'm a liar and a terrible person. That information could also get spread to the rest of the cast, making me the worst person to befriend and even work with.

I lose all of my senses as my thoughts swell into my brain and send those feelings to my heart. I grasp at my chest trying to get ahold of myself but I can't seem to find any sanity left in me. I just want to go home at this point, Dixie is the only thing who will always be there for me.

"Eden." A low voice speaks.

I still keep my eyes facing the ground trying to keep myself intact to start walking again. My back is against the wall of the diner that finalized my entire relationships and friendships with anybody that I had potential with. Even Sara probably thinks I'm a terrible person, even more than she already does.

"Eden."

The voice gets more echoed and sounding further away rather than closer. A weight is suddenly pressed down on my shoulder, a soft and light weight. I'm thinking it's all in my head until another force is pulling my face in another direction.

Then all my senses come back.

Joseph's hand is placed on my cheek, guiding me to look at him. It feels like my breathing is finally normal again knowing he's back. I don't know if he's just about to tell me how horrible I am or he wants to hear me out. Either way, he's the only one who could have been able to bring me back to life like this.

"I-I'm so-"

My breath is taken away again, not because he turns around and disappears again, but because of the exact opposite. Warmth is now transferred to my lips as he attaches his to mine. My eyes are still wide open like it's my first kiss and I have no idea what to do. It feels like this is my first kiss, this is what a first kiss should feel like. I cant tell what he wants with this kiss or his purpose from it, but it feels like a need for something. Maybe he wants to believe I'm not a horrible person and that what just happened can be resolved. I don't know how it can be resolved in all honesty, but right now I'm only focusing on the feeling of his lips on mine that I didn't know I was craving for so long.

He pulls away but stays only inches away from my face. I try to regain control over my breathing and also the strength in my legs. I feel like jello beneath his touch, everything is numb besides the fire igniting on my cheeks from where his hands are placed.

"Why did you lie to me?" He asks in a whisper. It breaks my heart to hear how broken he sounds. I don't know why he's so defeated by somebody he barely knows, but maybe he thought he knew me better than what he did. And that's my fault.

"I don't know." I blurt out. I do know; I was embarrassed. Now I'm even more embarrassed because I lied again. Why do I keep making this worse for myself?

He takes in a deep breath and shuts his eyes, placing his forehead on mine. He doesn't seem to mind the crowd of people walking around us with snarky comments underneath their breath. We are standing in the middle of the sidewalk so I don't blame them, but all I can focus on is him.

"Please don't lie to me again, Eden." He clears his throat after he speaks. I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. Now the heat runs down my face from the tears that express my guilt and regret.

"I want to know you. I want to know everything about you." He whispers, his voice is now sweet and soft. He pulls away from my face and released his hold on my cheeks and puts his hands on my shoulders. His stare is intimidating, but I know he's not angry anymore. He's just hurt. "I want to know you, but now I feel like whatever you tell me, no matter how small, I don't know whether to believe it or not."

With that statement, he releases me completely. He begins to slowly back away from me as I plead silently with my teary eyes. Those were around the same words Jo had said to me, he didn't know whether or not to trust me anymore. I've never been the type to lie to anybody, not even white lies. Ever since I've stepped into the light and had the opportunity to be seen for my hard work, I've been an entirely different person. I've been cruel and deceptive. I've been these things to myself more than anybody, and now it's slowly seeping out to affect everyone around me.

Before I'm able to speak out again, Joseph's back is turned away from me. I can see from behind that he's rubbing his eyes and shaking his head. I stay completely still in this spot, still feeling the hint of sweetness he left on my lips. I still don't understand why he kissed me and still decided to walk away. Maybe it was him trying to bring me to life again and explain everything, but it didn't work.

Nothing worked.

"Eden."

I cringe at my name being called knowing it's not Joseph again, but Sara. I grow the courage to turn around and face her again.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know it was gonna be like that." She rubs the back of her neck with her palm and stares ashamed at the ground.

"It's my fault, not yours." I finally speak at a normal tone and walk past her. She doesn't try to stop me which I'm thankful for. I just need to keep myself on lockdown like I did last time, that seemed to stop me from hurting everyone.

I just wanna watch tv with Dixie and not talk to anybody until I have to break it to Matt and Ross that I'm not coming back.

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last paragraph is a little hint as to what song eden will write next... any guesses?

i feel like all the chapters i've written recently are depressing AF. sorry about that :|

hopefully i'll come up with some happier ones, but for now eden needs a bit of.. self reflecting.

also, happy 2k!!!!!!!!!

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