In The Light// Station 19 x Reader

𝙎𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝘼𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙃𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙚𝙣𝙨 𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙒𝙚 𝙏𝙖𝙡𝙠

"And if it is legal, is it psychologically sound?" Y/n added as she leaned against Travis basically falling asleep as she stood

"Mm." He agreed leaning his head on top of hers

"Did they lead you here at gunpoint?" Lewis asked

"Emotional gunpoint," Ben told her

"Mm-hmm." Miller nodded

" 'Mandatory' gunpoint." Travis pointed at Ben

"Mm-hmm." Miller agreed again

"I swear to God if y'all don't shut up-" Sullivan raised his voice at them before facing Lewis "Doctor, I will leave you to it."

He left the room as Diane shut the door behind her

"So, your battalion chief has a hair-trigger temper." She told them "Who wants to talk about that?"

"I thought we were here to talk about Vasquez." Andy faced her

"We're here to talk about whatever needs talking about." She stood up straight "Last year, more firefighters died from suicide than in the line of duty. What's the matter? Big, strong firefighters afraid to use your words"

"What kind of therapist are you?" Ben asked looking at her

"The kind who used to jump out of helicopters and rappel into wildfires." She walked closer to him "I know you because I am you. I know what you see every day. I know how it feels to lose one of your own. Vasquez had a pulmonary embolism the day he was supposed to go home. Now, that hurts me, and I never even met the guy. So, yes, I am holding you hostage today. At emotional gunpoint." She then faced Maya "Um, am I seriously supposed to do this in the gym?"

~

"I am angry with Gibson for breaking the code. I'm angry with Bishop for putting him in the field. I'm angry at the other shifts putting it all on jack but other than that, I'm... You know, I'm pretty good." Y/n told Diane as she sat across from her

"But there's something weighing on you isn't there" Diane eyed her reading her like a book

"This is like doctor-patient privilege, right?" She asked standing up to look out the window "You can't report me or write down anything?"

"That's right."

"Okay, good." She nodded before biting her fingernails "I'm in love with him. Gibson. We used to date and I never got over him" she continued looking at the rainfall outside before facing Diane for a second ad then turning back to the window quickly "And now you hate me."

"Why do you think I hate you?'

"Because my behavior is a blight on the plight of female firefighters everywhere."

"A blight on the plight?"

"Now you're mocking me." Y/n faced her with a slight chuckle "my brother used to say that all the time"

"Only a little." She said before changing the topic "used to?"

"Uh yeah" she sighed before going to sit back in front of her "Ryan Tanner"

"The cop that got shot by the kid?"

"Yeah" she messed with the arm of the chair  "Alright, we're here to talk about Vasquez. So can we do that"

"Sure."

"Were you close with him?"

"Not really, I knew him" she nodded " and I knew what Jack did to him and I know I should hate Jack but  I love him. I'm in love with him. I never stopped loving him"

"You know, love all by itself is not electric. By itself, it's calming." Diane told her  "It gets electric when you combine it with stuff that isn't love. Rule breaking. Intrigue. Danger."

"Mm, so you are judging me."

"I'm not. I'm just trying to understand you. You're angry with Jack for breaking the code" she grabbed something off the desk and began messing with it  "but you're breaking it yourself. You coin phrases like 'blight on the plight'  but you keep doing it, and you don't feel guilty. You feel electrified. I'm just trying to figure out why. Is it a reaction to your brother's death"

"Are we done here?" Y/n asked avoiding her eye contact

"No." Diane told her

"I think we are." Y/n spoke and went to stand up before she stopped her self  "I'm sorry. I'm just, uh... I'm sad Rigo died. And I just feel bad because he isn't what I'm focusing on all the way, I still think about my brother and I still think about Jack" she shook her head with a chuckle as she looked down again "My best friend was my brother  when we were younger we would... we would laugh and play cards, and he would give me excellent advice about my life because our parents were always gone and when we grew up he was still my best friend So, when he died,
I cried a lot for a while, and I still do.  and then I forgave Jack for breaking my heart even though Ryan was against me loving Jack I don't feel guilty even though right after breaking me he got with the wife of someone on our team. You think I should let him go or feel guilty?"

"No."

"We forgave each other and I feel like we are getting closer again and I feel relief from the unbearable pain of losing both him and Ryan. Do you think that makes me... wrong? Or bad? Or shallow?"

"Do you think it does?" Diane asked her

"No."

"Then no. When we fall in love with our friends, or fall back in love with someone we try to sabotage it. It's common. But be careful. If you tell him you love him too soon, you could blow the whole thing."

~

"Dr. Lewis, why do you think I did it?" Y/n could hear Jack ask as he walked her out"Why do you think I broke the code and lost even my own self-respect?"

"Only you know the answer to that."

"I'm interested in your take."

"We got one hour together, Jack." Diane told him "I would be irresponsible to presume to-"

"Dr. Lewis, you're a firefighter. You think fast. You have a take. Even after just one hour. Give me your take."

"You had a family for one year when you were a kid. You had a dad and a mom and a sister and a brother, and I'm picturing a white picket fence. You did years alone on the streets, in group homes. And then for one shining year, you got the opposite. You got a family. For the first and only time in your life. Until you joined this family. A fire took your family away from you back then. So your body is wired for that particular pattern. Comfort and love are followed by sudden and shocking loss and loneliness. You lost the one you loved and when she tried to make it right you acted" she mentioned y/n and her heart dropped

"Eva was the fire, and I burned down the family." Jack spoke

"This family is still alive, Jack."

"But Rigo isn't."

"Look, trauma wires us for certain patterns, and until we name them and heal them, we'll find ways to relive them, which, in my humble and limited estimation, is why you broke the code and her heart.  But it's not why Rigo died." Diane shook her head at him "By all accounts, Rigo didn't follow orders. His own psychology got him in the end, not yours. Take care of yourself, Jack. I'm here if you want to talk more."

~

Y/n walked up to the front door of a house with Travis and Emmett  Travis knocked on the door and it seeing open

"Mrs. Vasquez, I know I didn't know Rigo all that well, but I just... I wanted to say that, uh, I'm so sorry." Emmett told her

"We are... so sorry." Y/n made herself visible and Eva's face fell as if she knew something

"I don't want to be a widow." Eva spoke  "I don't want to never see my husband again. I don't want this. I... I don't want this food."

And with that she shut the door in their face, y/n's face dropped immediately

~

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