Fan fiction?

[6] You're Dead!

SHANE: Okay. So if I were to just- (picks up a fork and holds it up) Spirits! If you're here and you feel like moving shit again, take this fork from my hand! Lift it! Just take it right out of my grubby human fingers and stab me with it

NADJA: (whispering excitedly to RYAN) This one wishes to die?

RYAN: It really seems like it sometimes

[SHANE continues babbling about the fork while Ryan looks around. He is holding the motion detector with a screen: the SLS screen]

RYAN: This thing totally thinks the gargoyle is alive. Gargoyle, if you can hear me, go ahead and shift

[BARON looks down at RYAN]

RYAN: (screams)

[Pictures of the house play slowly, while RYAN narrates]

RYAN: This house is riddled with hauntings. People have reported vampires, zombies, ghosts, and other unknown entities. On top of the reports, there have been photo and audio recorded evidence of many deaths here. Their nextdoor neighbor, Sean, has nothing but nice things to say, but all other nearby residents have endless complaints. We're here to see who's right

[Cut to everyone sitting in the living room]

RYAN: So you guys are big fans of vampires?

LASZLO: Yes, fake fangs and all. The attire and everything can be explained hence

COLIN: Not me. I'm just here to make sure bills get paid and whatnot

SHANE: So you're all just housemates? How did you come across each other?

LASZLO: Nadja, here, is my lovely wife. Nandor had a lot in common with us and wanted a place to stay, and Colin...he's here, too

RYAN: Interesting. So can I ask what sparked this interest in vampires?

NADJA: No.

[Zoom in on NADJA. Cut to NADJA, on her own, aside]

NADJA: These humans. You know, it was Colin's idea to make money this way after the nightclub failed so poorly. I said no! Because did you see what happened last time? We still have that poor brother constructor man buried in our yard. It just- who are you?

CAMERAMAN: I'm Mark

NADJA: We don't have a 'Mark'

CAMERAMAN: No, you don't. I'm with Ghost Files?

NADJA: (panicked, waving her hands) Yooooou will forgeeeet I said aaanythiiing

[Static, the camera falls and turns off. Cut to GUILLERMO entering]

GUILLERMO: What the fuck is this? I left. Usually "goodbye" means goodbye.

NANDOR: (fake smiling in an alarming way, holding GUILERMO's shoulders from behind) Guillermo, we were just hoping you could help us tell these men how haunted this house is

GUILLERMO: (under his breath) I think I prefer the term "cursed"

[Cut to GUILLERMO sitting in a chair across from SHANE and RYAN, who are sitting on the opposite sofa]

SHANE: So...from my understanding, you used to live here?

GUILLERMO: Yes.

RYAN: Did your leaving have anything to do with the so-called haunted state of this house?