Ballin' [slumptacion]

Thirty fivE

[ Stokeley ]

I was still not allowed back on the court again. I had begged Rakim to talk to coach, but nothing worked. He said I was lucky I hadn't been expelled for drug use, and just kicked out of the team. I'm still pissed, I mean I might as well just get expelled, since nothing is going my way anyways. But there was still an opportunity to apply for the team... next semester. Until then, I had to just wait it out.

In the mean time, I could spend my free time taking care of X. Now that I only had school work to worry about (which I'm very behind in for that matter), I have time over to actually spend time with X... or atleast to the extent X allows me to.

It's been a few days of me and X being roommates now. Everything had gone pretty well, besides the fact that a bisexual guy and a homophobe were living together. I see potential in X though. Not necessarily to make him gay or anything like that, I wouldn't even dare to try, and I'm not interested anyways. But X has potential to be... a nice person, to be a bit more accepting, to be decent - aka not homophobic. Even though X is visually my type, since he still looks like Jahseh, his personality still isn't that flattering to me. Only the times he reminds me of Jah.

I can't really tell if that's wrong. I don't know if I'm allowed to daydream about Jahseh coming back, I don't know if I'm allowed to let wishful thinking dominate the way I think of X. But it gives me hope. If I wasn't allowed to hope Jah would come back, I probably wouldn't be able to put up with X at all. But Jahseh makes it worth it.

But, it's also the fact that I genuinely feel bad for what has happened to him. Despite X being an asshole, I still think being around him was pretty entertaining. He's funny, and he has a lot of personality... Even though he doesn't show all of it. X was the opposite of Jahseh. They're both funny, but in opposite ways. X has a lot more attitude and violent traits - compared to Jahseh who felt very innocent and never wishes harm upon anyone. Jahseh's a tad bit more open about his feelings though. Even if he had episodes of hiding things that later comes forward, like self harming, he still talked more about his thoughts than X does.

But at the same time, me and Jahseh have known each other for months. Of course it's easier to be open with someone you trust, X and me barely know each other at all. I don't blame X for not opening up, it's not like I would open up to him either. It's only fair I set the same expectations for X as I do for myself. The only issue is, I have a hard time not setting the same expectations for X as I set for Jahseh... given that they're basically the same person and all. Everything is very complicated, and even though it feels like I should be used to adapting to change by now, this time everything's different.

But it's okay. Right now I'm focused on building a friendship with X. I don't have any romantic intentions behind this bond, at least not for now, at least not with X. I do miss hugging him though... and kissing him. Jahseh of course, not X. I wouldn't mind doing that with X either, but it just wouldn't feel the same. Sure, they both look exactly alike, but it would probably still mentally feel like kissing a stranger, even though the physique would be recognizeably well known.

Anyways...

For now, Miles is over at our spot. Me and him haven't properly hung out for a very long time since I've been busy going back and forth to the hospital the past few weeks. Right now we're sitting in the living room, watching TV. But it's more like some random show playing in the background, while we sit and talk. I hadn't had anyone to properly talk to either. I mean, sure, Jordan and Symere have been super active and supportive in this whole situation, but they got each other, also it feels weird complaining to Sy sometimes since him and Jahseh are childhood best friends. Feels like my experience is invalid. I wonder how he's coping with all of this, I've made everything about me lately, I'll check in with him later.