It's 6pm and there's a dinner for all teams for the opening ceremonies of U-23, and has no choice but to go back to their room. No choice but to confront Bea and Maddie and all the chain reaction consequent to the choices she made.
If only she had been true with herself, then she wouldn't have lost Bea.
If only she had shown Bea the love she needed, then she wouldn't have searched for it in the arms of Maddie.
If only I was strong enough, then we won't all be in this tangled mess.
I knocked on the door and braced myself.
"Jia!" Maddie said as she opened the door and hugged me tightly. "Where have you been?" She smiled as we walked towards the sala of our hotel room.
"I just went to Ate Ly's room. Just some co-captain duties and stuff" I lied.
Since when has lying come so naturally to me?
Since you started lying about your feelings.
"When did you arrive?" I said, just to change the topic.
"Just this morning. I dropped my bags at the dorm and went straight here."
"Oh.. Ok.." I started rubbing my hands together, a habit when I'm tensed. And, under the gaze of Maddie, my anxiety has kicked in to the roof. I bit my lips as I stared at my hands.
"So, how's it been?"
"Bea's been good! We just had practice practice practice everyday and she didn't go out or anything.."
Seated across me, she held out to touch my hand, as she laughed.
"Haha. I wasn't asking for a report on that dimwit. I was actually asking about your prep for the games."
I let out a nervous giggle.
"Seriously Ji? I didn't think you'd believe my request to spy on her! She's crazy and all, but I trust her.."
"Well... Hahaha" I laughed, but my gaze avoided her.
"Where is she, by the way?" I asked when I noticed that we were alone in the room.
"She's taking a bath, getting ready for the opening dinner"
"Uhmmm" I mumbled.
"What's wrong with you Ji? You look tensed" she stood up and sat beside me on the couch. Cold sweat started to trickle down my back.
"Nerves. Just nervous for the games.."
"I somehow envy you Ji. Imagine, doing the thing you love with the person you love.."
"What?!?" My eyes grew in shock
"Yah, I mean, getting a chance to represent the country and have that experience with your loved ones. That's just.."
"Priceless.." I whispered, but had to catch myself from my slip.
"I mean, I couldn't ask for more that the support group is here-- Ate Ly, Ate Ella, Jho.."
"Bea" she cut in.
"Yah, never in my wildest dreams did I dream that I'd share this experience with my bestfriend. And to be able to do that"
"Priceless.." It was her turn to say it.
"Well, I'm sure you'll have your own chance Maddie"
"Will I? Or am I not good enough that I will always lose to the first option" she looked straight into my eyes.
"I don't really agree when they say first option, coz option always means that there's someone waiting in the wings. A 'just in case', an alternative. I think it should just be "THE first" like 'the one'. So it should be a choice, like, in the midst of ten thousand people, I choose you." I mumbled as I tripped over my words
"Well, it's nice to know that we agree on that then.."
I held my breath as I gulped. I feel myself ready to breakdown and confess to her any minute.
..."once people get chosen, then that spot is for you, and you should fight with everything that you got to make sure nobody takes it away from you"
And then she breaks into a smile as she stands up. "I guess I just have to improve more so that I'd be considered next year. With many middle blockers eyeing that coveted spot, haha, I'll even be fighting with Bea over that spot!"
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in, relieved that we were after all talking about volleyball. I slapped my forehead as I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.
"Anyway, I'll check on Bei, or she'll be late again" she turned to walk towards Bea's room
"Madz.."
"Yah?.." She turned back to look at me, a few meters separating us.
"She loves you, you know that right? There's no perfect relationship, people make mistakes, and they fight and scream, some may even breakup. But as long as they love each other, then everything will be ok, they'll make it through every challenge"
My voice shakes and I had to hold on to the back of the chair to steady myself.
"She chose you Madz. Whatever happens, hold her hand, don't ever let her go."
"Ji?" She looks confused
"Never mind me" I shake my head as I feign a laughter, "just PMS probably"
"Anyway, I need to prepare for dinner" I walked up to her and kissed her on the cheek. "I'll see you later"
That was my confession to Maddie and my apology. As much as couldn't tell her the betrayal that I have done, that was my way of telling her that I will respect the fact that Bea chose her.
And I want them to be happy
Even if every second kills me.
I got into my room and my tears gushed even before I reached my bed.
-------
Inside the bedroom Bea had her back to the door, eyes closed, with tears straining her face.
Once again, Jia has chosen to let her go instead of fighting for her.
"This is the last time that I'd cry for you, Julia Morado"
She wiped her tears as she prepared to face the one love who never gave up on her.
She painted on a smile on her lips, but it didn't reach her eyes.
