What its like being me.

Insufferable

An unbound giddiness, a unchecked happiness, the shaky exhale of breath and the tingling in every limb. The numbness in my mind, the way you make me wordless with every line you write, followed by the worthlessness in every thing I type. My conversations with you are an unhealthy mix of happiness and pain because I love the way you talk to me, every compliment no matter the significance taking hold of me, but the way my throat tightens just knowing you're so much better than I leaves me gasping for air afraid I may die. I want to be someone you can love, someone you can trust, someone you can confide in when things get rough but I can't confide in myself, I can't trust myself, I can't love myself, so how could you? I find it unfathomable that someone as perfect and handsome as you could look at a broken mess like I and think there's something there, there's something salvageable, savable, lovable.

I met you when I was 17, in a time of questioning, when I didn't know if I was a girl or a guy, I was lost and living a lie but you still said hi. You said hi, and I only greeted you with lies, stories I used as a guise to hide my insecurities because I was afraid you would change your mind if you knew who I really was. I fell in love. You were everything I wanted and more, my songbird, my sångfågel, the stories we would tell and the lives we wished to live, I still wish to live. I'm scared.

When you first left me, fell from my life, I still don't know if it was you or I. My world fell in, crashed on me like a ship at war with sea. I hoped you'd return to me, come back to me, but I knew my world wouldn't be the same the next we met. I lost count of years, time a mere blur, but one day I decided I wanted to return. I was scared and unsure, fearing the worst, but as we spoke everything faded away. You returned and I got lost in your song once more, a swirling bliss that made me forget the pain of my life as it was, and then you were gone.

You saw my mistakes, I refused to change them as my life was falling apart and I believed they were holding it together but now I see I couldn't be more wrong. When I thought I needed all this all I needed was you but I couldn't see that, I couldn't look through the lies, the walls I built to hold my broken form in place, and just like that you walked out and took with you a piece of me. I didn't understand the pain, the way I felt in your absence, my walls breaking apart as the foundation I built them on broke to pieces, numbness taking over to disguise my pain and even I couldn't realize it was there. You were here and then you were gone, and with you was that song that I couldn't forget or get out of my head. They say love is a drug.

They say love is addictive, one taste and you're hooked for life but this love was no drug it was my lifeline, the very blood within my veins, the will to exist lied with you and I couldn't get that through my thick, ignorant skull. It's too late now to ask for a second chance, all the begging and praying in this world won't bring you back. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I lost the one thing holding my life together, the one person keeping me moving, breathing, clinging to hope. I realized it too late.

You remember when we talked about the trains? When we spoke of boarding one and riding it to distant lands, never turning back, just you and I living our lives together, I play the guitar you sing, we had it all planned out. I miss those days now more than I should. I miss you now more than I will admit. I know you will never read this.

You make me happy, so unbelievably happy. It's the butterflies in my stomach happy, smiling and blushing over stupid comments happy, unable to sit still just seeing you message me happy. I need you in my life now more than ever, my sword and shield, my stone and stability. I'll never tell you, I wouldn't dare tell you. I don't want to lose you again.

I'm afraid I'm clingy, stuck on something that wasn't meant to be, you would never want me. Not now, not the real me. I love you with my soul and body, getting lost in every word you say to me. I'm afraid for that you would be scared of me. This love I hold so desperately is a poison to my mind deteriorating it ferociously and breaking me socially as all I can think of is what we could be.

We couldn't be. Were we ever meant to be? I loved you and hoped you truly loved me. You said I was a good person, had a good head on my shoulders, but if you knew the real me what would you see? I could tell you what I see.

Every time I look in a mirror I see imperfection. I see a being broke bone and back. I see a lost potential and inability to commit. They say I'm smarter and maybe I should give myself credit but I don't see what they see, I don't see the play I put on and the person I try to be. I love you more than I love me, and I don't think that's the way it should be.

I fall apart and break down, I lie and I always frown. I forget myself, I forget my personality, I fill in the gaps with things I create and stories I fabricate. I don't remember a time before I was nine, I can hardly remember what happened during my time alive, but I remember you like a light, a beacon in the night. I crave your attention, your affection, the words you tell me and the way you told me. I want it back but it's selfish to want the past. Please come back.

Things can't be the same and maybe I'm insane but I can't help myself wanting to fix my ways and fix our relationship to go back to those days. It's been two years, I have missed you for two years. I have cried countless tears and have made new fears but never have I forgot the live you gave me, the way you made me feel. I want it back, and thats selfish. I've always been selfish but I can't with you, all I want is to give to you what you deserve and my love is not deserved. You are both what I crave and fear. I wish we never met yet I need you here.

It's the giddy feeling in my bones, the way I loose all reason thinking of you. It's the flutter of my heart, the way you make my cheeks light up. It's the inability to sit still, shifting and shaking in pure joy. It's the shake in my breathe as I exhale while speaking of you. It's the way your words make me feel lost like listening to an angel singing outside my window, so far from my grasp yet so close it breaks my heart.

I love you with my soul, mind, and body combined, my whole heart under your control, but for that I can not be part of your world. I can not taint your life with what is mine. I can not bring you pain. I can not show you who I am. I love you, but I can't be with you, for your sake.

Pain.
Insufferable pain.
Knowing your love is pain.
Eternal and insufferable pain.