Bad Times at Sunrise (La Fortuna Series #3)

Wakas

"And why is that?"

"Because I did a lot of things I regret, things I'm not proud of. Marami akong niloko at sinaktan. Marami akong ginawa na kahit ako, pinandidirian ko mismo. Minsan iniisip ko po, 'Bakit ko ginawa 'yon?' And then I just spiral down in negative thoughts. There's this voice in my head that tells me I'm worthless. Na kahit anong subok kong magbago... ganito na talaga ako. I feel so hopeless sometimes."

"This hopelessness and shame... How did they affect your relationships?"

"It's difficult to say po kasi, sa totoo lang, gusto ko ng long and committed relationships. But I ruin things by pushing my loved ones away when the slightest sign of disapproval arises. Parang sa tingin ko po... mas ayos nang tapusin 'yong relasyon kasi doon naman 'yon patungo. Mas ayos nang ako 'yong lumayo kaysa sila 'yong mang-iwan sa 'kin."

Hindi ko napansing tumutulo na pala ang mga luha ko. Shit. Tama pa ba 'tong ginagawa ko? Pero mas kumportable akong kay Dr. Legaspi nagsh-share ngayon kaysa kay Minerva o Ico. I mean, syempre, binayaran ko siya kaya bakit ako mag-guilty'ng nakikinig siya sa akin? Trabaho niya 'yon!

Pero iba pala talaga kapag alam mong doctor-patient relationship ang namamagitan sa inyo. If this was Minerva or Ico, I would feel bad because then I'd be trauma-dumping on them. At least dito kay Dr. Legaspi, alam kong handa siyang pakinggan ako kasi job description niya 'yon.

"So what you're saying is you're rejecting yourself before others do?"

Napakurap-kurap ako. Well... that's profound. I always thought I was doing it to protect myself. I never considered it as me rejecting myself.

"I hadn't thought of it that way, Doc, but yes. I think that's what I'm doing most of the time."

Dr. Legaspi adjusted her glasses and put her hands together on the table. "You have to know, Sunny, that there's nothing wrong with how you feel. Everyone experiences the same thing. Your neighbor? She feels ashamed of herself too. Your boss? He has a very cruel inner critic too. It's normal for us to cope with emotional pain by hiding some aspects of ourselves. The truth is humans are full of shame and fear. Some just hide it really well."

"Ano pong pwede kong gawin?"

"Well, for starters, when you're building a connection with someone, you have to make sure you are looking for love... and not for them to leave."

Parang may bukol na namuo sa lalamunan ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Pakiramdam ko, kung misa ito, ito 'yong part na itataas ko 'yong kamay ko at sisigaw ng 'Amen!'

"As for your fear of being seen, it's difficult, but the paradox of shame is you must let someone see you completely, warts and all, for you to heal that part of you. Unless you let someone do that... you will always hide and feel like no one will accept you."

"Hindi ko po alam kung kaya kong gawin 'yan. I feel like shame is already an inherent part of me."

She smiled. "It is. Shame is part of all of us. Hindi mo dapat 'yan tinatakasan. Every negative emotion you feel? You have to feel them. You have to hold them with tender love and care, like how you would with a newborn baby."

I consistently went to Dr. Legaspi for months. I could say it was really effective kasi mas naging secure na ako sa relationships ko. Mas kumportable na ako kapag ine-express ni Ico ang pagmamahal niya sa akin.

Perhaps, this is why we heal... so that when the right connection comes, we don't sabotage it by thinking we're unworthy of love.

I must admit... therapy might be one of the best things that have ever happened to me.

The following months had been eventful. Pasko nang mag-travel kami ni Ico sa Alaska. Nag-skiing at ice fishing kami. Then we fucked on every corner of our Airbnb like we did in the summer house.