Sunlight - Book 3

Stuff And Things

Jake came and took a seat beside me. "Renesmee I don't want to rush things."

I sighed frustrated. Now what? It's like any excuse he could use to keep us at a distance he was dishing out. How did I even know if I could be with him? I mean sure he imprinted on me and was linked to me for life but how did I feel about him?

I looked up at him. "Jake-" I pushed my hair behind my ear. "-I just need to know how I feel about you."

His forehead wrinkled as I imagined the words turning over in his mind. "But you love me and I love you." His lips pressed together in a hard line of uncertainty.

"I know you love me, the imprinting." I took a deep breath as I tried to find the right words. "I've only ever loved you as a brother and a friend Jacob. How do I know if I can love you the way you love me?" I leaned in slowly towards him, my hand reaching up and weaving through his hair. "Just let me try something."

I felt him lock under my touch as I tried to pull his lips to mine. "Renesmee..."

"I need to know Jacob just trust me." I whispered.

Then his lips were to mine. It was as if a wave of warm water had crashed over me. My breath was lost somewhere inside me and I didn't care to try and find it. It felt nice. Pleasant to have him with me like this.

When I leaned back Jake was smiling at me. Every perfect white tooth was flashing itself at me. I couldn't help but smile back at him, like it was contagious.

"That was better then I had ever imagined." He grinned.

I nodded my head as my smile fell away. The way I felt when I kissed Jake was similar to the way I felt when I kissed Gregory. Though it was on different principals the way I felt was the same. It felt wrong but it made me feel good. What did this mean?

I rose to my feet and headed to the door of the boat house. Maybe I could talk to my mother about this. She would understand right?

"Renesmee?" Jacob called as he grabbed my hand and pulled me back. The confusion to my reaction was clear on his face. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know how I feel about you Jacob. I mean how is it suppose to feel when you love someone like you love me?"

In that instant a expression of pain flooded Jake's face as if he had been wounded. Tears welled up in his eyes and at that moment I felt his heart break, or atleast suspected it.

I reached towards him. "Jacob I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that. I just mean I don't know what it feels like to be in love that way. I wasn't saying that I don't love you I just don't understand anything." I tilted my head slightly as I used my thumb and forefinger to grasp his chin. "Please, understand that I need time."

Jacob took in a deep breath and then wrapped his arms around me before pulling me to his chest. As I stood there in his arms I did the only rational thing I could think of and wrapped my arms around him.

"I would do anything for you Renesmee Carlie Cullen." His words were breathed into my hair.

I could feel the shock on my face as I realized the pain that I would subject him to if I didn't love him back. Could I bare to even to live with myself if I hurt him that bad? I'd lose myself completely and come unhinged. What was I supposed to do if I realized I didn't love him? Would I spend the rest of my life pretending for his own well being or would I turn my back and live for my happiness?

"I know."

"Just to think about you not loving me is like having my ribs broken one at a time. The pain would cripple me. I'd rather die for you then live the rest of my life without you."

My mouth dropped open. What was I supposed to do now that my greatest fear was figuring out the truth of myself. If I loved him that would be good but if I didn't... I closed my eyes against the thought of hurting Jake and slightly tightened my grip around him.

"I should go and see my mother." I dropped my arms and he mimicked me.

The second I stepped back away from him I smelled my fathers scent and then the door opened. I turned to look at him, his eyes darting back and forth between Jake and I as if he was searching for something.

"Daddy." I breathed.

"Renesmee what are you doing in here?" he asked me all the while keeping his eyes on Jake who seemed to be doing his best to not make eye contact with my father.

"I'm-" I looked at Jake who moved his eyes just enough to look into mine. "-I was just doing stuff.... and things." If my mental shield was working like I wanted it to my father wouldn't be able to read my mind or Jake's.

He glanced at Jake who looked at him and then looked quickly away. Then he narrowed his eyes to the point of slits.

"Renesmee don't you have homework to get done?" my father said.

I pursed my lips. "Depends on your idea of homework anyways I was going inside to talk to mom about-" I paused and my fathers eyes widened a fraction. "-stuff and things."

As I left the boat house I heard my father mention to Jake about what he would do to him if he deflowered me. I snickered and then took off at a run to the back door that led into the living room.

One thing I was sure of now was that my shield was powerful and it could keep anyone I wanted in the dark when it came to my father trying to read their minds. That means I would never have to worry about what he would see in my mind ever again. This was perfect.