Side Characters - Why bother? - The story tries to have mildly interesting side characters, but as the main character is driven and rigged in her Sue'ness towards a singular goal of ascending to high power and having a power fantasy, then what possible point is there to have side characters to show any other side of her? The manipulations and shit were the only interesting thing, but only proved how pointless they are in their existence except as punching bags.
The side characters might, MIGHT be interesting in later arcs as the mary sue isn't so cosmic and rigid, but thats a huge 'if' and would require trudging your way through mary sue arc's to get there. Which I would never recommend for anybody.
That also requires not TELLING us everything about them with wiki-pages. Seriously for every 1 sentence they say, there is two paragraphs of wiki-page history.
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Grammar and Word Usage - Short 1st drafts - The story was readable. Albeit clearly unedited to the point that the most basic things like capital letters and any punctuation is ignored or forgotten at random intervals too frequently to be ignored. The chapters are short, which, I am sure people appreciate for a story with so many chapters and a promise for constant updates, however the quality is suffering. Not merely in grammar and words, but in just the basic story. Something funny is that the author said she reads her own story frequently to keep up with it. I like that, but I also can't help but wonder if its true with just how much basic 1st grade grammar issues there is in just the first few chapters. I normally don't give a shit about grammar, but this was practically smacking me in the face with it.
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World Building - Told, nothing is shown - I was bored. Everything was told. There wasn't even much told, but everything still was. So much so you might as well just turn it into a basic history book or biography, not a story from the perspective of anybody, and just call it a day.
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Plot - decent idea, poor execution - The first chapter I genuinely liked. It was short, crisp, and set us up nicely for something juicy. I don't even mind the idea of her returning from the dead with the memory/vision of her death. It is a semi-decent, albeit contrived power-fantasy mary sue, idea to explore your death and change fate or have a revenge-fantasy to justify being a bitch to people who haven't done anything to you in the current timeline. There is a reason why the only good ways this idea is explored, that I have ever seen, is that of a comedy. Because no other way of doing it can be taken seriously without being absurd.
Case and point.
Everything beginning from chapter 2 paragraph 1 was pain. It is practically a checklist of every contrivance, mary sue trait, or raw story-sin I could imagine. This is, I think, because you are trying to force something to happen in 5-6 paragraph chapters so it cannot breath, explore, or show anything, and since that something cannot happen naturally, it has to happen unnaturally. Like she cant have even 1 paragraph to wonder if what she just saw was a dream or nightmare or what, she instantly KNOWS she had died. There is no proof or evidence left behind. She is just omnipotent. She is the almighty mary sue.
Now, to be fair, the future 'books' or arcs promise a divergence. However, the foundation of the story is that of a mary sue fantasy.
I rate it 1 smashing out of 5. I see no potential. The story is based on two ideas: a mary sue power-fantasy and a revenge-fantasy. The revenge part is workable, but the mary sue part destroys everything. Then the execution is just... no. I don't think the author is really trying to produce quality, just quantity.
And you know what? Thats fine. power fantasy, mary sues, and revenge fantasy have a place in story. Authors need an outlet, and some readers want that outlet as well to scream 'damn the patriarchy!!!!!!!!!!!!' 'YEAH GET HIM!' 'DAMN THEM ALL!' (apparently this is also a key theme in the story.) Art is freedom. I have no problem with the story, but I do not think it will be anything more because the idea from the ground-up is not to be anything more.
The author, in the form, said she was scared and this was her first story. And despite how nice I want to be, I am an honest person, because lieing won't do you any good.
So my advice is that despite what I have said, to just have fun with it, love the story, and have the power-fantasy to your heart's content. Make a 4th and 5th one and see how far the chaos goes. Find the limit. Sometimes the point isnt to make a high quality story, but to do something therapeutic and fun, and I would never say stop to that. I have recently looked back on my old stories I first did and they were ABSOLUTE DOGSHIT. They were contrived and gary stu fantasies and all kinds of the worst things imaginable, to the point if I reviewed my own first things they would be 1/5 and pain, but they are still mine. They were stepping stones I pushed down with my feet to climber higher. There will come a time when you may want to write something more seriously, and in this time just try and learn and have fun with it. Don't give up. A few stories later you may look back at this one and find you had gone from writing Spongebob Squarepants to Game of Thrones.
If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.
