40 days

chapter three

I watch Pamela's mouth form into a small 'O', her eyes wide. After a moment, she bursts out laughing. I stand in front of her awkwardly, nervous laughter escaping my mouth.
Why is she laughing? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

She finally stops laughing and looks up at me. "Jesus, I'm so sorry David! It's just, that was the last thing I was expecting you to say!" She straightens herself up. "But if I'm being honest, I don't really have a problem with it."

What?

"But it's- you don't think it's... I don't know, weird?"

"Nah," she says calmly with a shrug. "It's just a guy liking another guy; it doesn't affect me at all, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess," I reply with a heavy sigh, looking around.

Pam raises a confused eyebrow at me. "Why do you ask?"

For some reason, the question catches me a bit off guard. I feel my face heat up. "I... I was just, um, curious! That's all."

In attempt to avoid her gaze, I stare off into the distance and try to ignore the fact that I can practically feel her looking at me.

After a minute or two of silence passes by, she speaks up. "Look, David, I'm sorry if I'm getting the wrong signals or something from this whole conversation, but-" She pauses for a moment.

"Are you, uh..." Pam looks up at me. "Do you like..." Her voice trails off, as if she's waiting for me to finish her sentence with a reply, like I should know what she wants to ask me without her actually saying it.
It doesn't matter, though, because I do know.

I know exactly what she wants to ask, but I'm not exactly sure how to reply. I shift nervously, looking down at my feet.

"Yeah," I whisper finally. "I think I like boys."

Before Pam can reply, words quickly spill out of my mouth, slurring together as I try to brush off what I just said. "I-I don't know though! I mean, I've had girlfriends before. I think maybe I'd still want a girlfriend, just not right now? But I also wouldn't mind a boyfriend either! Am I allowed to do that? To like both boys and girls? I just feel like-"

"David!" Pam's voice is sharp but not angry, and she puts her hands on my shoulders firmly, pushing me back slightly. "Slow down, it's fine!"

"Sorry," I mumble, avoiding her eyes.

"David, it's okay." She repeats, letting her arms fall to her side. "I really don't mind that you like boys... and, well, girls for that matter. It doesn't change anything, okay?"

I look up. "Are you sure?"

"It's not like you can change who you like, you know? And didn't I just tell you I don't have a problem with boys liking boys just five minutes ago?" She laughs. "I'm sure. Although, I'm still a bit confused as to how this relates to the whole Brenda and Exer situation?"

I hesitate. If I wasn't gonna tell her the full story, I shouldn't have said anything in the first place.

"Ah, yeah, that." I sigh. "God, how do I put this..."

"What do you mean?

Pamela's already told me she doesn't mind the fact that I like boys, and that she doesn't mind boys liking other boys, too. But will she think differently of me if she knows I like Exer? Her best friend's ex? My best friend?
The chance is slim, but it's still there. I can't help but wonder if she'll be upset or angry, even.

It's too late to worry about that now.

I take a deep breath.

"... I like Exer."