My Randomness II

8-2-22: If You Can Count Five Then Your Doing Just Fine

I had the worst anxiety attack of my life today.

I was getting groceries for my mother; something i couldn't do just two years ago without freaking out. and, for kickers it was the first time i ever went and grocery shopped by myself all on my own. I've done it twice before but it was the to get a drink from the self check out and to get ice cream and a sandwich when i was working one day. I had my earbuds which helped me a lot—but not today. Today i was all on my own. I tried to enjoy it.

and i did enjoy it, but i couldn't shake off the anxiety that built up inside of me. I'm still anxious about it as i write this down. I can't help it but too. Social anxiety isn't nearly talked about enough. I hate talking to people. I hate being in public. I can't stand it when I'm not familiar with a store.

I went to the store that i vividly remember going to as a kid. My brother and I always would get a cookie from the bakery and tell the lady hi. Then we would go tell my brothers friends grandmother hello as well.

The card didn't work. I thought we had enough—and we did, but their system shut down and ran the card three times. It maxed the card. I could only get $180 worth of groceries. It sounds like a lot—and it is to someone like me, but we hadn't had the money for groceries in two months—well.. not 'we' it was more like my mother.

I'm not sure if i'll be able to go back into a store again after today, but it's making me feel like an agoraphobe.

I use to try to calm myself when i felt anxious or panic-y i'd count to ten and then start picking out random objects with the same color. it calmed me somewhat. i read it somewhere or someone told me about it. breathing exercises don't do shit. i really should be on medicine for this shit. my anxieties get the best of me. I know they do.