11 My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
12 What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
13 When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
14 The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
15 Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
16 What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
17 Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
18 If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
19 What has two butts and kills people? An assassin
20 I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
I'm starting to regret my life decisions.
