Until The Moment

She was a child, a small one at that. But still battling nonetheless. She was 5 when her parents sat her down on the couch. On that same  right side of the couch she watched Lindsay Lohan's 'The Parent Trap' the night before. Where she promised herself she wouldn't let her parents divorce. But that very morning it happened. They sat her down on that light brown couch with the little brass buttons she liked to play with. The same couch she would watch YouTube Kids on her tablet. And told her they were divorcing. She was devastated, obviously. While laying in her bed that night sobbing, she decided to not trust anyone but herself.
Almost 1 month later she moved in with her mother. They bought a new black leather couch with little felt covered buttons. She would sit and cuddle with her mother while watching the 'Full House' reboot. It was around Christmas time and snowing pretty heavily, it was small town in Ohio nonetheless. The day her stepfather and new brother and sister would show up. They played with 'American Girl dolls' upstairs and played dress up. Her new sister would sleep in a bunk bed with her. Her new sister was prettier than she was, she was older though.
The day she returned back to school from winter break she had a new brother from Virginia. She would go out to recess with her friend Emma and write elaborate stories about a puppy named toast. How it had a brother and sister. She would do that weird thing kids do and pretend to be a wolf. She was a second grader after all. When she came back inside, she could never sit still. She always got in trouble for that, and the fact you could never get her to stop drawing or talking.
She thought the girls at school were pretty. But some boy told her that girls who think that go to hell. So she sat at the end of her bed crying and begging God not to send her to hell. To please save her. In the future she would try to "date the gay away" as she called it. Where she dates boys to try and get rid of the feeling of liking girls. She still liked boys though.
She would visit her father three or four times a week. She wished she had more time with him. She missed it being her dad and her dog. Her dog's name was Peanut. He was a dachshund. He was older than she was. She would wrap a blanket around his collar and act like it was a dress. She has another dog at her mom's. Her name is Jackie. She is a black lab.
A year later her father took her on a trip to her grandma's house. She lived in Kentucky. She had a lot of chickens, ducks, and Guineafowl. She stayed for a week. She got to spend time with her cousin, and grandma. She never spent enough time with her grandpa. On her way home she would watch 'Harry Potter' movies on her laptop. She bought a 'Care Bear' plushie on the way back also. Her stepdad didn't like 'Care Bears' he thought they were creepy, so she bought it as a joke.
When she arrived home her sister wasn't there. Her mom had to tell her that her sister had left. Her sister left while she was on her trip. Her sister hated her mom. Her mom did nothing but try and help. Until she found a binder under the bed on how she was going to kill the girl and her mother. She hated the girl. At times the girl would sit an bed and wonder if the reason her sister was nice was because she was going to kill her.
Three years later. Her dad lived in a new house. And so did her mother. She had four more dogs after Peanut died. She now has five. She is now wanting to switch schools. She still thinks those girls at school are pretty. She goes to church now. She plays 'D&D'. Her stepfather got meaner. And she got depressed. Her mother is saving hope that the girl doesn't need anti-depression meds. The girl also found out she has autism and ADHD. She just sits in the void she calls her mind and prays for more therapy. She feels unwanted.
She sat inside her room typing this essay. Her mind racing, yet blank all the same. Her throat is dry. Her zoning in and out, causing her to lose focus. She now sits under two blankets, one hoodie and her tall roof. She read to try and fall asleep, but all she could think was to type.
    
Until the moment she is asleep, she will never feel okay.